Humor Inspirational Quotes & Sayings

Beware of anyone who says, "I love you" without hesitation; they've had a lot of practice saying it. — Benjamin DeHaven

Agatha, what do you see when you look in the mirror?"
"I don't look in mirrors."
"Why is that?"
"Because horses and hogs don't sit around ogling their reflections! — Soman Chainani

Too young to care; Too old to change. — Hafsa Shah

If your a fly, fly away — Connor Smith

Soccer forces life to move on. There's always a new match. A new season. There's always a dream that everything can get better. It's a game of wonders. — Fredrik Backman

When somebody you love dies, a phase of life's innocence dies with that person, and a part of you dies as well. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Michael staggered to his feet and turned to face his worst nightmare. Baal stood before him, a smirk on his face. He wore his signature grey, pinstripe, three-piece suit, and casually twisted his pinky ring on his long and slender well-manicured finger. As it rotated Michael caught a glimpse of the rubies in the skull's eye sockets. His black hair was slicked back, the sight of his false appearance made Michael sick to his stomach. — Wendy Owens

Prayer works (unless God has a different plan for you, that is different than what you want). Pray now. It works best if God is undecided. — Juanita Ray

Happiness is anyone and anything that's loved by you — Charlie Brown

It seems to me that dealing with little boys is a lot like playing poker. You need to know when to hold them, when to fold them, and when to walk away. But the most important thing you need to know is, oral contraceptives are only 97 percent effective. — Paula Wall

When I came out of anesthesia, I wanted two things: my husband and my dog. They wouldn't let the dog in the recovery room. — Sandy Nathan

Hold onto your creativity, that idealism that is rooted in some degree of innocence and a firm belief in something finer than the things we already have. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

So nobody got time for people who aren't worth your time. — Fiona Chazhoor

In the middle of all the ordinary--something extraordinary shows up. — KariAnne Wood

People who believed in God today will doubt him tomorrow and those who doubted him today will believe in him tomorrow because believing in someone else doesn't work. Believe in yourself. — Vann Chow

Did you let him know that if he can't see fit to return your blow job immediately, you will have no choice but to sue? — Meg Cabot

Things look one way and then they look another way. — Art Hochberg

Why isn't everyone praying all the time? Who cares why everyone isn't praying all the time - you pray all the time. — Art Hochberg

Watch it ... people who keep things inside them develop all sorts of disease ... all that emotional gunk's got to find an outlet. Angry people develop cysts; stubborn people get arthritis; resentful people die of cancer. — Arlene J. Chai

Twenty-four feet is puddlenuts in Giant Country. — Roald Dahl

If you don't do crazy things when you're twenty, then you do them when you're sixty and then, it looks pathetic. — Tionne Rogers

As for my brothers,' Zeus said, 'we are thankful -' he cleared his throat, like the words were hard to get out - 'erm, thankful for the aid of Hades.'
The Lord of the Dead nodded. He had a smug look on his face, but I figure he'd earned the right. He patted his son Nico on the shoulders, and Nico looked happier than I'd ever seen him. — Rick Riordan

Kindness is a source of relief to the soul of the giver, creating a sense of fortitude that is incomprehensible to those who do not know what kindness is all about. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

No one ever said life was fair. Just Eventful. — Carol Burnett

It has been observed
that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. — Ambrose Bierce

When you have failed at being nice, you've actually succeeded in being mean. Success is everywhere if you know where to look for it. — Katina Ferguson

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. — George Carlin

I have Body Dysmorphia... I think I look amazing! — Andy Merrick

Everyone, in some small sacred sanctuary of the self, is nuts. — Leo Rosten

Only you can change yourself, no one else can. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

Life is a Game; More you play, More you learns — Harishankar Kaushik Hsk

Gossip is when you hear something you like
about someone you don't. — Jane Seabrook

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic. — Mindy Kaling

We might have the most beautiful words and thoughts - but it's actions that count. — Art Hochberg

live longer, stay younger, grow far happier — Robin S. Sharma

You are responsible for you own happiness — Tshikororo Raymond

Creative problem solving is not necessarily tantamount to cheating. — V. St. Clair

He doesn't teach you what to think, he teaches you how to think — Lurlene McDaniel

With my adventurous, can-do attitude, I walked into a world where crap is an everyday event. — Cindy Keiger

Life is just like the game of poker, you never know what cards you will get. Sitting against the people, you can either win with the king or live on a joker. Many times in life you are forced to play the blind bet, and achieve overwhelming success, with loads of cash in your pocket or you may reach disastrous conclusions, losing everything you have got.
That's the reason I love playing poker. — Prerna Varma

There's a lot of "fiddle-faddle" wrapped up in that word "inspiration." It is the last resort of the lazy writer, of the man who would rather sit and dream than be up and doing. If the majority of writers who depend upon fiction for a livelihood were to wait for the spirit of inspiration to move them, the sheriff would happen along and tack a notice on the front door--while the writers were still waiting. — John Milton Edwards

I'm Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room, — Jayde Scott

A loud smile is often a fake laugh. — Saahil Prem

I can't say for sure if I'm better off, since I have no way of knowing what would have been. I could have traveled to exotic places and kissed exotic men in the moonlight. Or I could have ended living alone in a dumpy apartment with the flesh eating virus I contracted from a public toilet. Could haves are always a great unknown. — Anna White

Actually it's this easy to explain: When your time's up ... poof ... your time is up! — Timothy Pina

So how do we do this trip, knowing it's all an illusion? How do we do that? We can't do that. We can only hang on for the ride. — Art Hochberg

Barry L. Jacobs and colleagues from the neuroscience program at Princeton University showed that when mice ran every day on an exercise wheel, they developed more brain cells and they learned faster than sedentary controls. I believe in mice. — Bernd Heinrich

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it. — Jef Mallett

Life is like a dry handjob. Just when it starts getting good, it's already over. — Jayme K.

We always emerge from the death of a loved one like a phoenix arising from its funeral pyre. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

An Airstream is a lot like a first love: you are lured by her charm, seduced by her beauty, and once bitten, you are forever chasing after her mystique. — Bruce Littlefield

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. — Stephen Colbert

Sure, some people are afraid of steroids. Some people were afraid of fire, too. Afraid of electricity, or of splitting the atom. But I know that the body I have now is far superior to the one I was born with. I, Jose Canseco, have changed my own destiny and become more than just an athletic superstar
I have become a superman. A god! — Jose Canseco

The mind is a terrible thing! — Dan Quayle

Normal life is presentable. In normal life, you clean up the kitchen and keep your balcony tidy and take care of your children. It's hard work
harder than one might think. — Fredrik Backman

Regret is good. It proves you have a conscience. — J.R. Young

If time takes orders from man, it would have been reviewed to yesterday to correct the things that are effective. — Aihebholo-oria Okonoboh

A man who sees nothing has no use for his eyes," the Mountain declared. "Cut them out and give them to your next outrider. Tell him you hope that four eyes might see better than two ... and if not, the man after him will have six. — George R R Martin

Isn't it amazing how you can actually remember things? Where are they when you're not remembering them? — Art Hochberg

This town, this country, this world, is full to the brim with clever people, and just look at it. Never been in such awful shape. Clever people don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Too busy being clever. The world doesn't need anymore clever people. It needs people with wisdom. — Jon Steele

In your selflessness pursuit of things higher than yourself, you appear selfish or inconsiderate to those who truly love you and who have cared deeply about you from the first day you came into their lives. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

[Lynda's mother] You're stupid and you don't know it, that's you're problem. You talk, talk, talk, all the time. No one wants to listen to an idiot.

[Young Lynda] Uh. OK. Thanks, Mom. — Lynda Barry

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did."
Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail. — A. White

We can never skip growing old. As we grow older, we understand old things and things of old times better! — Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Being a dominatrix gave me the ultimate power: to sing without self-consciousness. — Amy Tan

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

For the first time in memory, I was unable to sleep not because I was anxious but because I was excited. To live in a damp crowded asshole and sing
if these guys don't know the secret to living, I don't know who does. (The Grieving Owl, page 157) — David Sedaris

In the world of today, human desires far supersede human needs. Waste, as you can see, is the result of all of those contradictions. That is how we ended up complicating our world. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Your bad past is for you to learn don't pass it to others. — FB

Don't underestimate your own triumphs. Leave it to the enemy.
# Krishn — Sweety Shinde

At Columbus Circle, a juggler wearing a trench cloak and top hat, who is usually at this location afternoons and who calls himself Stretch Man, performs in front of a small, uninterested crowd; though I smell prey, and he seems worthy of my wrath, I move on in search of a less dorky target. Though if he'd been a mime, odds are he'd already be dead. — Bret Easton Ellis

It occurs to me that our survival may depend upon our talking to one another. — Dan Simmons

Be your own independent film channel. — Art Hochberg

Some people say, "I only want to do God's work." How do you know what God's work is?? — Art Hochberg

I fell," he repeated for the hundredth time.
"But you didn't fall very far," Mary Sarojini now said.
"No, I didn't fall very far," he agreed.
"So what's all the fuss about?" the child inquired. — Aldous Huxley

This wasn't a commodifiable realization, the kind of thing in college essays or inspirational books or the hardbound journals of gentle ladies. There was no ah, no ha, no relaxation or humor folded into this realization. There was just something real in my head - a rescue boat in a sea where there was no one left to save. — Catherine Lacey

You never know what you're going to learn about a situation beforehand. Humility is a powerful tool on the path to greater humility. — Art Hochberg

Six, one half dozen or the other ... — David Dweck

Listen, you're not doing God any favors by praying. You're doing yourself a favor. — Art Hochberg

With true love, you can move mountains, make unusual sacrifices, live a life of deprivations and still be happy. — Janvier Chouteu-Chando

There is a story I always tell my students ... when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn't speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word "exit" which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :"No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success — Pablo

Be aware of the type of humor you use in your daily life. Just because people are laughing doesn't mean it is creating positive vibes. — Alaric Hutchinson

When you say nasty things about people, you should never say the true ones, because you can't really trully and honestly take those back ... — John Green

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

I broke my arm in 3 places so I wont be going back to those places. — Jim Rose

Women; the supreme masters of the bait and switch.
D'Artagnan Bloodhawke — D'Artagnan Bloodhawke

Everything was a test. Or a lesson. Or a punishment from which he was supposed to learn a lesson, on which he would be tested later, and punished if he hadn't learned it. — Orson Scott Card

Emotions are like muscles. Most of them go highly unattended, it's usually the weaker, undefined ones that cause injury to the rest, and there is most certainly memory response in play. — Erica Goros

I must go down to the seas again
to find where I
buried the hatchet with Yesterday. — Janet Frame

Wonders happen either way. With you or without you. — Sergey Vedenyo

That's all you've got for me?" I drew a long breath and let it out slowly. "You know. I might be able to get more clues from Google. — Jayde Scott

Wake me up

when everything is organized. — Jane Seabrook

There is nothing wrong with feeling cold in Alaska at -70 degrees. It's when you feel nothing at all that it times to panic — Sergeant Major

This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed. — Lemony Snicket

Everything stinks till it's finished. — Dr. Seuss

Hello. It is Monday. I live in Sun City. Sun City is a city that is entirely contained inside an enormous concrete building in the shape of a sun. Its rays house our living quarters; its circular centre is where we work and shop. No one has ever been outside of the city; it is generally suspected that the environment outside of the city is uninhabitable. — Mike Russell

Clear clutter. Make space for you. — Magdalena VandenBerg

Just like when there's a time that a smart person knows enough is enough, there's a time when you know you've got to fight. — Christopher Paul Curtis

I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch — Ransom Riggs

As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you. Don't bother to brush it off.
Getting a comedic view of your situation gives you spiritual distance.
Having a sense of humor saves you. — Joseph Campbell