Humor Friends Quotes & Sayings

You haven't seen my resume," Gary objected. "I'm not looking to charity."
The silver eyes glinted, a brief, hard humor. "I had your formula inside my body, Gary. That was all the proof of your genius I needed. The society had access to that blood for some time before you did, but none of them were able to come up with anything that worked on us."
"Great,I get that dubious pleasure. Someday you're going to introduce me to one of your friends and you can say, 'By the way,this is the one who invented the poision that is killing our people.'"
Gregori did laugh then,a low, husky sound so pure, it was beautiful to hear. It brought a lightness into gary's heart, dispelling the gloom that had been gathering. "I never thought of that. We might get a few interesting reactions."
Gary found himself grinning sheepishly. "Yeah,like a lynching party with me as the guest of honor. — Christine Feehan

What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time you get yourself off? — Parker S. Huntington

Money can't buy you happiness but it buys you all the things you don't have, even friends. — PewDiePie

Lydia had been fantasizing about him to the point she nearly drove him insane with it. It had taken four days for his energy to weaken inside her enough that he could go and visit her without fear she would throw him across the town in a gust of wind, and thus cause a scene. Although, getting run out of town after one day would be a new MacGregor record. — Michelle M. Pillow

Despite all that education and experience can do, I retain a certain level of unsophistication that I cannot eradicate and that my friends find amusing. In fact, I think I sometimes detect conspiratorial plottings among my friends to protect me against my own lack of sophistication. I don't mind. I suspect that I am never quite as unsophisticated as they think I am, but I don't mind. — Isaac Asimov

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.' — Adam Ferrara

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy.
'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance.
'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy. — Agatha Christie

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser's friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone's image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser. — Lundy Bancroft

For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid. — Ariel Leve

But she just couldn't stop checking her phone; she wanted
to stop, tried to stop, but the pull would not let her go. It was
a strange experience for her to be doing the obsessive phone-checking
thing. Vanessa talked about it, and she had heard stories
about it from other friends. One date with a guy and suddenly
the phone becomes like an appendage endowed with some super
power to predict your future. — Jacqueline Simon Gunn

I'm going to say my name is Dorothy Sherman and I'm telling it like it is. I'm going to say my friends call me Dot, and I prefer my enemies not to call me at all. — Joe R. Lansdale

Jason: Evelyn's not going to like it if you're rude to her friends.
Blake: They're her friends, not mine. — Rachel Hera

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. — David Cross

Friendship is the grease of life. — Ogwo David Emenike

My Family and Other Saints echoes Gerald Durrell's classic memoir, My Family and Other Animals, not only in its title, but in its wonderful humor and lyrical prose. Like Durrell, Kirin Narayan takes the reader to a fascinating world far from our own, and brings to life its myriad sights, sounds and smells, while revealing the profound cultural beliefs of its people. India is just the most complex character among a cast of characters-family members, gurus, hippies, and neighbors-all of whom I now count as old friends. — Judith Barrington

Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence. — Criss Jami

Joan and the Judge had gone to a Sunday brunch with friends. They would be home shortly, in good spirits probably, unless of course they saw their boy frozen to the mailbox.
So Claire and Maggie had no choice. They each grabbed a shoulder and hooked under an elbow and yanked suddenly without warning. Scotty brought his hands quickly to his mouth. All three stood quietly staring at the miniature pink circle of flesh still stuck on the mailbox.
"It looks like a little pizza," said Maggie without thinking. — Peter Hedges

Thankfully,two old friends stood next to the throne. Horus wore full battle armor and a khopesh sword at his side.is kohl-lined eyes-one gold, one silver-were as piercing as ever. At his side stood Isis in a shimmering white gown, with wings of light.
"Welcome," Horus said.
"Um, hi," I said.
"He has a way with words," Isis muttered, which made Sadie snort. — Rick Riordan

I don't think we are cut out to be evil sorcerers, brothers," said Fentongoose. "If we were truly evil, we would not feel such sorrow at the deaths of our friends. We would just go, 'Ha! Ha! Ha!' or something. — Philip Reeve

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones. — Oscar Wilde

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!
And that thought just cracked me up.]
It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. — Sherman Alexie

I hear myself saying these words: What this movement is about is options. I say it to friends who are frustrated, or housebound, or guilty, or child-laden, and what I'm really thinking is, If you really got it together, the option you would choose is mine. — Nora Ephron

The trees at Cloudwalk have been my friends for forty years. I'm sure if I were sawed in half, our rings would match. — Diane Von Furstenberg

I'm stupid," Leo mumbled. "Pi would expand outward, because it's infinite."
He reversed the order of the numbers, starting in the center and working toward the edge. When he aligned the last ring, something inside the sphere clicked. The door swung open.
Leo beamed at his friends. "That, good people, is how we do things in Leo World. Come on in!"
"I hate Leo World," Frank muttered.
Hazel laughed. — Rick Riordan

A man who looks like Frodo just spent $150 on erotica books and asked for my phone number. I considered giving him yours just to spite you. — Syrie James

We weren't really friends yet, just knowers of each other's secret stuff. — M. Beth Bloom

Aves hasn't mentioned a boyfriend," Lock chimed in, "and we're just dying to hear all about you." Liar. My friends were filthy lying sadists. — Lish McBride

I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather."
"Yeah."
"And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up. — Rachel Caine

Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. — Don Rickles

It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends. — Sinclair Lewis

He made my life hell. Him and Tonto over there." Daniel glared toward Nick. "Poor little Clay. He has problems. He's had a tough life. You should be nice to him. You should make friends with him. That's all I ever heard. All they saw was a cute little runt of a wolf cub. He bared his teeth and they
thought it was cute. He ordered us around like a miniature Napoleon and they thought it was cute. Well, it wasn't cute from where I was standing. It was - "
I held up my hand. "You're ranting."
"What?"
"Just wanted to let you know. You're ranting. It's kinda ugly. Next thing you know, you'll be laying out your plans for world domination. That's what all villains do after they rant about their motivation. I was hoping you'd be different. — Kelley Armstrong

Picture this broad: 22 going on 18. Half the guys in my class would have given their left testicle to date her. This cupcake is the guidance counselor the principal has assigned me. Miss Boyle is her name. We all call her "Miss Bubbly Water." Imagine the teasing I have to endure from my friends. Not to mention what it's like, sitting across from this Barbie Doll every Thursday afternoon, watching her cross and uncross her legs, while she's lecturing me about - get this: "staying focused." Right! My pants are on fire, and she's handing me a crash course in Psych 101! — Ted Gargiulo

He's not wearing ... " Charlotte began.
"I know. He doesn't," Lydia answered. — Michelle M. Pillow

A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends. — Scott Dikkers

The worst thing was that her school-friends began to copy her. They thought it was dead cool to be a little monster like Lucretia Crum! — Babette Cole

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" — Mitch Hedberg

Wasnt it Startre who said hell was eternity spent in a room with your friends? — L.J.Smith

I am certain
you are not one of those dreary fellows one reads of who demands that
their lady friends be in possession of a maidenhead. Mine was taken
by a marrow two years ago."
"A marrow, Miss Pertwee? The vegetable that the Italians call il
zucchine?"
"The very same.A most particularly bold and impetuous hot-house
marrow. It was quite the ravishment, I can assure you."
"I consider it no dishonor at all to be preceded by so noble a vegetable. — Vinnie Tesla

To save our friends' nerves, I suggest we meet on a plane of brutal courtesy. It need not interfere with our mutual distrust.
-Francis Crawford of Lymond — Dorothy Dunnett

In a book, even the real bastards can't hurt you. And you can never loose a friend you make in a book. When you get to a sad part, no one's there to see you cry. Or wonder why you don't cry when you should. — Dean Koontz

Do you like flora and fauna? How about plants and animals? Because we have more of that beautiful crap than we know what to do with. Charmingly domesticated troops of monkeys swing freely throughout our orchid-laden property. You're probably thinking that a lot of all-inclusive resorts have monkeys. True, but only one resort packs a monkey for each of their guests to take home. You'll be showing off more than a tan to your friends, you'll be showing off a gibbon. — Colin Nissan

I'd probably describe my sense of humor as 'twisted,' I guess. It's not hard to make me laugh, especially when I'm surrounded by my close friends, especially my bandmates. — Mac DeMarco

We're all under the streetlamps, everyone's the color of day-old piss. When I'm fifty, this is how I'll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. — Junot Diaz

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller

Friends humor and flatter us, they steal our time, they encourage our love of ease, they make us content with ourselves, they are the foes of our virtue and our glory. — John Lancaster Spalding

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" — Mitch Hedberg

Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn't marry an idiot. — Julia Quinn

He kissed the corner of her lips before whispering by her ear, And that was just my hand, love. — Michelle M. Pillow

'Didn't realize Matty was so scary,' Chris said.
'She's maybe five two and can't make it up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. But if I really pissed her off, she might poison my coffee.'
'Sounds like someone I'd like to meet.' — Kim Fielding

Or you can fake your own death," Bill suggested.
"Because really, that's the most cathartic resolution - if all your friends and family think you're dead. Everyone cries, they have a little rant about all your potential going to waste, they put on a memorial service and you can hide and see who bothers to come - and if you're really lucky, they bury an empty coffin. When they couldn't even be bothered to spot you a twenty 'til payday. You know how much booze you could buy for the cost of a single coffin? — Jordan Castillo Price

Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."
The horse nickered.
"Uh, maybe later," Percy answered.
Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action.
"What does Blackjack want?" she asked.
"Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts. — Rick Riordan

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'. — Groucho Marx

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. — Oscar Wilde

My friends never seem to yell at their kids. Even when their kids are behaving hideously, they pull them aside and say, now sweetie, you know you shouldn't, blah, blah, blah. Please don't yadda, yadda, okay sweetie? Maybe it's some bullshit show they put on for non-family members, but I'd have to be on happy pills to act like that — Brenda Wilhelmson

In life we have our trophy people. These are the ones we work hard for, we are proud of. We want to show them off to our family, our friends, we want them on our arm at company functions. We take pictures with them to let everyone know we feel like a winner and we are happy.

Then you have your participation ribbons, the ribbons you get just for simply showing up. You didn't have to earn it, it was just given to you. These things usually end up in a drawer somewhere, maybe you pick them up again when you are bored and say "that was a fun night, I wonder if they are still handing out these things?" but you don't tell people about it, nothing to be proud of. — Brittany Williams

I'd rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends who secretly hated me. (spoken by Massie Block) — Lisi Harrison

We hate it when our friends become successful. — Morrissey

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. — Mitch Hedberg

The people I mixed with in Monaco didn't relate to my South African mentality or humor ... Although I have met some wonderful people since I've been living in Monaco, I regard them all as acquaintances. I only have two people I consider friends here. — Charlene, Princess Of Monaco

O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the rug, looking up at her, going, Cain't hep it. But no. Had she come from a perfect place? Everything was transmutable. She imagined the puppy grown up, entertaining some friends, speaking to them in a British accent: My family of origin was, um, rather not, shall we say, of the most respectable ...
Ha ha, wow, the mind was amazing, always cranking out these - — George Saunders

Have you made any other friends since we've been here?"
I gave him the death stare. "Yes, actually."
"Who? I want a name."
"Jamie Roth."
"The Ebola kid? I heard he's a little unstable."
"That was one incident. — Michelle Hodkin

Let's be friends based on mutual hate. — Bryan Lee O'Malley

I'm not Janessa. I want to celebrate my wedding, with friends and family, while having a really good time. If someone spills punch on my dress, I'm not going to cry about it."
Lucy raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, I may cry just a bit but it's only because it's an Austen-era reproduction and anybody would feel the pain of destroying something so lovely. — Mary Jane Hathaway

One of Renee's friends asked her, "Does your boyfriend wear glasses?" She said, "No, he wears a Walkman. — Rob Sheffield

Internet friends are real friends — Wilson Rawls

Jeremy said you've been friends since third grade. I wouldn't know. We didn't have a class together until eighth, when you did have a crush on me."

"No, I didn't!" she lied.

"Yeah, you did. Your face turned bright red every time I looked at you--kind of like it is right now. — Elle Todd

How about "diamonds are a girl's best friends"? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds. — Gina Barreca

He's like ... 'I thought you were just friends.' You are my friend. You're my best friend. Why doesn't he get that? Anyway ... I think he wants your dad to rally with him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a damn about the dry rot in the basement."
I quirked the corner of my mouth dubiously. Dad rallying with Gabriel was pretty unlikely, considering the lengths he had gone to in proving his approval.
Rafael took one look at me, horrified, and I knew we were on the same wavelength. He whispered: "If your dad gives my uncle the safe sex talk ... — Rose Christo

I think that the only real way to tell if a boy like likes you is to be direct. None of this game-playing, that's juvenile. Instead, even though it might be scary, the thing to do is to just march up and ask one of your friends to ask someone else to ask one of his friends what he thinks about you. — Lisa Yee

Life ain't easy. Terrible things happen to everyone. You have to keep your sense of humor, give something of yourself to others, make friends who are younger than you, learn new things, and have fun. — George Vaillant

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...

Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks. — Leah Thomas

Does it matter that the sausages are local? I'm just going to eat them, not make friends and go to the cinema with them. — Louise Rennison

Ya were going to turn me into a rat? Had I known that I wouldn't have tried to turn ya into a snake. — Michelle M. Pillow

It doesn't matter what clothes you had or what shoes you had, or how cool you were, or how many Facebook friends you garnered, what will matter in the end is what weapons you had, how many zombies you killed, and how long you survived. — Caleb Eversole

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. — Stephen Colbert

Friends are the support bras of life. — Lisa Kleypas

People of very different opinions
friends who can discuss politics, religion, and sex with perfect civility
are often reduced to red-faced rage when the topic of conversation is the serial comma or an expression like more unique. People who merely roll their eyes at hate crimes feel compelled to write jeremiads on declining standards when a newspaper uses the wrong form of its. Challenge my most cherished beliefs about the place of humankind in God's creation, and while I may not agree with you, I'll fight to the death for your right to say it. But dangle a participle in my presence, and I'll consider you a subliterate cretin no longer worth listening to, a menace to decent society who should be removed from the gene pool before you do any more damage. — Jack Lynch

Yes, poor Darren, forced to cook and clean and do other unmanly things. Next thing you know he'll be wearing an apron and popping out babies." He snorted as Darren turned and did something with his hand. "We're friends, but we're not that close, Dare. — Julie Kagawa

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me. And I really, really don't want him to break up with me, Linc."
"But murdering me, that's all good? — Trevion Burns

Do you see those dull stars?" She outlined the formation with her finger.
"A pentagram," whispered Scott.
"Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope."
Scott approached the eyepiece.
"They're not stars!"
"What do they look like?" asked Jenn.
Scott studied each of the figures.
"It can't be," he stuttered. "Planets?"
"Exactly what I thought."
"But how? They're completely off their orbits."
"The earth's off its axis."
"Mount Etna erupted."
"Greece had a earthquake."
"The whole universe has gone mad!" Scott exclaimed.
"And my friends have supernatural powers," said Jenn. — Katie Mattie

But we were just picnicking friends — Douglas Preston

In rough times, pathfinders rely on work, friends, humor and prayer. They develop a support network. — Gail Sheehy

The boy she'd once loved was gone, and she'd accept it. But even if she didn't want Eric back, he'd hurt her. He was the enemy, and the Universal Girl Code stipulated friends should band together in hating the ****** till death. — Melissa Landers

Guns are our friends because in a country without guns, I'm what's known as "prey." All females are. — Ann Coulter

Sometimes I'll be sitting with my friends; I'll say something Koothrappali-esque and make a face. There is a lot of Koothrappali in me as a human being. A lot of mannerism, humor, mischievousness, my innocence. So I don't know if I bring him home so much as I bring myself to him at work. — Kunal Nayyar

Authors of light pieces have, nobody knows why, a genius for getting into minor difficulties: they walk into the wrong apartments, they drink furniture polish for stomach bitters, they drive their cars into the prize tulip beds of haughty neighbors, they playfully slap gangsters, mistaking them for old school friends. — James Thurber

It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it. — George W. Bush

I'd had a key to the marina's locks at one time, but I'd lost track of it when I got shot, drowned, died, got revived into a coma, haunted my friends for a while, and then woke up in Mab's bed.
(My life. Hell's bells.) — Jim Butcher

Middle school is kind of like Middle-earth. It's a magical journey filled with elves, dwarves, hobbits, queens, kings, and a few corrupt wizards. Word to the wise: pick your traveling companions well. Ones with the courage and moral fiber to persevere. Ones who wield their lip gloss like magic wands when confronted with danger. This way, when you pass through the congested hallways rife with pernicious diversion, you achieve your desired destination - or at least your next class.
-CeCee, Lucy and CeCee's How to Survive (and Thrive) in Middle School — Kimberly Dana

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. — Tim Allen

She raised a sharp eyebrow at him. "Vlad, no offense, but look at you. If you're not a vampire, you're clearly the most anemic goth I've ever seen." ... "We believed you. Because that's what friends do."
pg267 October to Vlad — Heather Brewer

I've told him personal things about myself. Private things I haven't told others. Things I haven't yet had the time to confide in Logan.
In this moment, I regret it all.
In this moment, I know that Haydn and I will never again be friends.
In this moment, I want to punch him in the face until he bleeds. — Siobhan Davis

I chose to stylize 'Among Friends' and add a dark comedic element because I didn't want to get pigeonholed as a genre director. I have a pretty dark sense of humor and knew that in order to get distribution, I had to do something in the genre for my first time out. — Danielle Harris

New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please
the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby. — Bill Maher

Maybe because you're thinking right now that my tractor's sexy." Colby winked at her.

Emma's face turned a shade of beet red, and she threw her arms up in the air frustratedly. "Ugh! Can you please stay out of my thoughts, or at least keep quiet about them when we're around our friends? Please? — Jody Morse

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: DID YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY AND HOW MESSED UP THAT WAS? TEXT ME BACK SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT! — Mindy Kaling

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia

Just for the record, I have come to fear all of your ideas in advance, simply from having endured enough of them. — Violet Haberdasher

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. — Jane Austen

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude. — David Cross