Humor Fantasy Quotes & Sayings

It was one of those decisions that shouldn't have been so easy to get so wrong. Go on your own or take the half wasted waif. She was wearing denim hotpants with a pink vest top, and was hanging off his arm, more for stability than closeness, so he propped her up against the wall next to the counter and reached inside his coat pocket for his badge. It was definitely his badge, he clearly remembered stealing it two years before whilst in California. — Dylan Perry

Ms. Wrack's mother, Mrs. Wrack, had been a mermaid: a proper one who lived on a rock and combed her hair and sang. But sailors had never been lured to their doom by her, partly because she looked like the back of a bus and partly because modern ships are so high out of the water that they never even saw her — Eva Ibbotson

Melody exploded. "THIS ISN'T LIKE GETTING A FISH TO SEE IF I COULD BE RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH FOR A PUPPY!" She took a deep breath, calmed herself and lowered her voice. She then repeated the statement as if doing so removed the stink of the outburst.

"I'm well aware of that," said Lonnie. "And not to poke it with a stick, but you don't see any puppies sniffing around that empty fish bowl, do you? — B.M.B. Johnson

Awe! Leaving so soon?" Gabby said sweetly, holding the door open. "I was just about to pull out the gun for you to play single-player Russian Roulette. — Laura Kreitzer

And you had to do that in a thunderstorm pissing down like a camel? — Poppet

There were only three times in your life when it was proper to come through the front door, and you were carried every time. — Terry Pratchett

Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. — Terry Pratchett

How does one have a duel with a dragon? Well, since they live high up in the mountains, and getting all the way up there can be quite a nuisance indeed, one just has to ring the guest bell the dragons rather politely placed at the bottom many years ago when very incensed farmers kept appearing with complaints about their dwindling livestock. Dragons jokingly refer to it as "their dinner bell. — Sully Tarnish

They're so retarded they think stereotype means typing with both hands. — Poppet

Walking into Nova Hollywood, I remembered why I didn't come here more often. I like a good slice of cheese as much as the next guy, but this place would be too cheesy for a giant mutant rat who had been starving for a week. — John Zakour

I envisioned him tied in a chair, an iron arrow pointed at his brow. Ah, the power of positive thinking. — Red Tash

I was sorry to lose it, and if you make me another one, I promise not to get taken captive by bandits and have to use it to save my life. — Shannon Hale

A sign read "Free drinks for billiards competitors only." Hand-lettered below read "All others will pay." It was written in blood. I could tell because a red fairy with what looked like black insect wings was writing it at the time, with his own dismembered finger. — Red Tash

Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty.
He could picture himself a very happy man at that table.
"Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?" Colin asked, breaking into his (admittedly tame) fantasies. — Julia Quinn

Rachel knew what she was doing. And when she didn't, she could improvise on the fly, coming up with options that left a lot of collateral damage but usually only hurt herself, not the people around her. It was one of the things he would never admit that he admired about her. — Kim Harrison

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet. — Jefferson Smith

I begin my life. I live again. I meet a young girl called Valeria. She smiles easily. She laughs tender sounds that pull at my heart. I'm too young to be profound but she makes me feel so safe. So cherished. I am thirty years old. I bump into a woman I knew when she was a girl. Valeria looks annoyed to see me. She lives in the future. Where the world is turning. I live within the past. Where the people are trapped and screaming and alone. I live within the past when Valeria and I were in love. She's waiting for the cab to come, her foot tapping against the sidewalk. Her eyes glancing at her watch every few minutes. I'm eager to reunite our lives through some kind of friendship. I'm so eager to know her again, as she was when she was a child. But Valeria lives within the future. I live within the past. Have the two ever gotten along? Have they ever even met? — F.K. Preston

When an answer finally comes to me, I know I've completely lost all my wits - or as my mama used to tell my father, I have a few screws loose. — Brandy Nacole

No, dude. I told you, we're not crazy. — Natasha Larry

His eyes burned with intensity. I wondered briefly if someone
he knew was being held in that cold room that smelled like death. Someone he loved? — Jaye Wells

Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.'

'You are dreadfully rude,' I said to him.

He sighed. 'That wasn't the slightest bit funny. — Danielle L. Jensen

As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?"
"Yum," said Mogget.
"Yes, sir!" mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried to smother the burning wreckage of his switchboard with a fire blanket. — Garth Nix

Then again, in some of our meetings, the Upyri bring cocktails, shaking both cocks and tails. Bitches. You can't live with them, they can't live without you. It's a lose-lose situation. — Yannis Karatsioris

Step One: Grab Mattie. Step Two: Run. It wasn't much of a plan. But what it lacked in potential it made up for in simplicity. — Ted Rabinowitz

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contract ...
Rhett — Rowena Cherry

As Eldon continued to look around, he was anxious to realize people were gathering in the square. They paused to glower in disgust at Tobias, and a few bold children riding past on bicycles slowed down to stick out their tongues. Eldon heard Tobias mutter something under his breath, and as the children rode away, they lost control of their bikes and crashed into each other.

"Toby!"

"Are you rested now?" said Tobias, ignoring Eldon's shock. — Ash Gray

Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own. — Eugene Shvarts

There was something about Mikie that made me want to trust him. It might have been the Centanario Anejo. — Nadja Baer

Cricket nodded apologetically. She ripped the blankets back and hopped off her bed. Enkai snorted out a laugh, and it took her a moment to realize she wasn't wearing pants. — Ash Gray

My number one fear is heights. Well, not so much the heights but the falling from heights. Actually the falling isn't that bad (I have a strong heart), it's the sudden stops that are painful. Believe me - I experienced it once. — John Zakour

If you don't leave room for the unexpected to express itself in your life, you close yourself off from the possibility of miracles. — Robert Stikmanz

There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been. — Michelle Sagara West

I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, Don't talk. You'll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth. — Susan Ee

On a scale ranging from very little to too much, Merkin could just about categorize the amount of personal data stored in Master Loo's computer as a shitload. — Sorin Suciu

Regweld is really a fine wizard," he continued, patting the shoulder again. "And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced! — R.A. Salvatore

You never know what's coming for ya" from the 2008 American romantic fantasy drama film 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', directed by David Fincher. — Unknown

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. — George Carlin

The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at all. — Neil Gaiman

In the beginning there was Logos ... and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game ... — Yannis Karatsioris

As an author I'm in my head all day and I worry that I lose touch with reality. But then my dog pees on my shoe and I know I've found it again. — Michelle M. Pillow

Lena scowled at the empty space in her living room. "Oh sure, thanks, I had fun too." She'd stayed awake, spilled a cup of perfectly good tea, and for what? A spirit with the noncorporeal equivalent of erectile dysfunction. Mostly she was fine being permanently on-call in the Veil. On nights like this, however, it sucked. — Laura Oliva

Chiron looked surprised. I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles. — Rick Riordan

My Zora senses are tingling," I said.
Nathan looked at me blankly.
"Right, you don't know anything about Spiderman," I remembered.
"Spider who?" he asked. — Markelle Grabo

So, what you're basically telling me is death is boring but no worse than hanging out with family. — John Zakour

He peered down at me. "Jesus Christ. You're leaking."
If by "leaking" he meant "sobbing like a girl," I guess so. — Lili St. Crow

She wears those old fashioned pj's like body armour. Going to bed these days is like wresting with Kevlar. — Poppet

Four years ago the clocks started turning back. I open my eyes and see nothing. I feel nothing below or above me. I feel the absence of things. The absence of my flesh, my bones, my body, my mind. All that is left is awareness. I see nothing but the absence of colour. It's not a black darkness. It's simply nothing. The interior of a black hole. I recall news of a black hole lingering along the edges of our solar system. All that time ago. Four years ago. When the clocks started turning back. I hear nothing. Until there is a something. A small thing. A voice. I listen. There are more voices. The sounds are human. How long has it been since I've heard a human? The sounds scratch along my now present attention. They carve into my hearing. They are horrid, wretched things. Voices screaming. Growing loud and desperate. How many voices? Billions. This is the birth of our species. We are born screaming. It's all we know to do. We have screamed for eternity. Within this empty space. — F.K. Preston

One of my professors once told me that the last official act of the British monarchy was when Queen Victoria refused to sign a law that made same-sex acts illegal. It would have made me think more highly of her, except the reason she objected was because she didn't believe women would do anything like that. Parliament rewrote the law so it was specific to men, and she signed it. A tribute to enlightenment, Queen Victoria was not. Neither, as I have observed before, are werewolf packs. — Patricia Briggs

There are no humans left. I should not be alone. I can't help but wonder that. There were so many of us living. But time started growing young four years ago. It isn't four years anymore. It's a number I wouldn't even be able to say. It feels like four years. It's trapped in my tender memory as four years. It's been an age. Multiple ages. It's been lifetimes; every single lifetime that used to exist. I remember my mother screaming. I recall the doctors naming me as nurses wiped away her blood and covered her face with white. The end of the play. It's been so long. Why am I alone? — F.K. Preston

One becomes sated with platitudes no less than honey, so that one often breaks another's bones in one's vexation. — Jack Vance

That is when you know you have reached the point of no return, when you began to stalk a ghost. — S.R. Gibbs

Don't threaten me with a good time. — Michael Anthony

Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.
There was an intake of breath from behind him, and then a moment later Hermione brushed past and stepped in front of him. "Run, Harry!" she said. "Boys shouldn't have to be in danger. — Eliezer Yudkowsky

Egg has the truth of it. Aerion's quite the monster. He thinks he's a dragon in human form, you know. That's why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn't born a Fossoway, then he'd think himself an apple and we'd all be a deal safer, but there you are. — George R R Martin

If it weren't for my imagination, I would weigh ten thousand pounds. This is because the only way I am able to exercise anymore is through a long and vivid revenge fantasy. — Mindy Kaling

If upper management found out, they'd send you off to the Probing Department. — Lee Davidson

Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, "He bit off more than he could chew, didn't he?" She made a motion as if she was biting into a tough piece of steak.
Gabriella's lips sealed shut as she tried to hide her grin, though she failed at it when Andrew asked, "Was he eating?" He turned desperately to Gabriella, confused.
Jules wasn't about to cry, she was trying not to laugh! She giggled then, the sound tinkling and odd in the outlandish setting.
Andrew straightened and shook his head at Gabriella. "Did you see him eat? — Laura Kreitzer

The strangest thing about demons is that they come to love you. As much as they try to murder the very core of you when you first meet, they become your closest companions. I never asked for this devil on my shoulder. But my eyes are burning and I'm not alone. If you see a red gaze at midheaven, look away. It's exactly as they say: hell is a hungry place. — F.K. Preston

And the lives of these old black women were synthesized in their eyes- a puree of tragedy and humor, wickedness and serenity, truth and fantasy. — Toni Morrison

You can't map a sense of humor. Anyway, what is a fantasy map but a space beyond which There Be Dragons? On the Discworld we know that There Be Dragons Everywhere. They might not all have scales and forked tongues, but they Be Here all right, grinning and jostling and trying to sell you souvenirs. — Terry Pratchett

Reading the book now means that one can, if one wants, play Fantasy Literature
match writers off against each other and see who won over the long haul. Faulkner or Henry Green? I reckon the surprise champ was P.G. Wodehouse, as elegant and resourceful a prose stylist as anyone held up for our inspection here ... he has turned out to be as enduring as anyone apart from Orwell. Jokes, you see. People do like jokes.
(Hornby's thoughts after reading "Enemies of Promise" by Cyril Connolly) — Nick Hornby

The soy is seeping through the material like a BP oil slick in a Louisiana swamp. — Poppet

Was it my fault that I got out of hand?
--Loki — Joanne Harris

Joseph, you're out of clean towels." Lucia poked her head into the living room, the rest of her hidden behind the wall. Her red hair dripped water onto my wooden floors.
"She's in the buff." Jenna guffawed. Gabriella rolled her eyes, beaming.
I rose. "Go back to the bathroom. I'll bring you a towel," I ordered Lucia. She disappeared down the hall.
"You have naked angels running around your house," Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder. — Laura Kreitzer

Where did you meet?" he pressed on.
I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. "I was out for a run."
"From who?"
I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.
Knox leaned forward. "I think we're both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?"
"With my grandma, every Sunday after church. — Dannika Dark

I know what ails you. — Tom Lucas

Walking alongside his apprentice's horse, Sethil Longmere, magus of the Third Circle, Magi Master of Dormir's army, and a man who had seen more years than most men could count, did his best to keep his apprentice Rousche from falling off his gelding. The dun horse had a sure foot and a good temper, but it seemed unlikely the animal was used to a grown man lying face first in its mane, legs sprawled behind, dangling with each step. — Clifton Hill

She paused in the doorway, tipping her head to consider Brittany, who only glared. "You're right. I think most girls don't look like the tooth fairy dresses them every day. — Wendy Knight

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead. — John Bellairs

The telltale clenching of hands into fists is all the invitation I need as I close the gap to hound his personal space.
Suck on my aura you spineless shit! — Poppet

Maxine," Grant said, but I barely heard him. I was lost in that vision, in those emotions - the pain, and hunger for pain, forming the root of so much
agonized rage.
" 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate,'" I muttered.
"Yoda, from Star Wars?"
" 'Hate leads to suffering.'" I met his gaze. "Yoda knows his shit, man."
Grant's mouth crooked in a gentle smile. — Marjorie M. Liu

Rupert: " ... At this rate, somebody is bound to upset the Warlock once too often, and we'll end up with a Court full of bemused looking toads."
"He wouldn't dare use his magic here," said the Champion.
"Don't bet on it," said Rupert. "The High Warlock has all the practicality and self-preservation instincts of a depressed lemming. — Simon R. Green

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear ... from my future Kids' Funny Business. — Ivan Stoikov

Durbin's sunglasses were gone, and his gray eyes sparkled up at her. He winked. "Take care of yourself, Dr. Venkman."
Lena bit back a grin. "You too, Dana Barrett. — Laura Oliva

A wise man once said that any human being is capable of infinite achievement, so long as it's not the work they're supposed to be doing. — K.J. Parker

There was a definite pull to him and in that moment I had to know why. — Nicole Gulla

Yes. I know all about soul-wraiths." Ramsey frowned. "How did you avoid them in the past?"
"Set a perimeter of energized diaman crystal. That will keep them at bay." Hel smiled without humor. "I have the diaman crystal in my saddle pack. I lack a sexual partner to energize them. I had intended to return with a magistra but a magister will work as well. Care to volunteer?"
"Only if I top," Ramsey snapped.
"You'd have to kill me first," returned Hel.
"With pleasure."
Steffania took a breath. Ram cut her off. "No. I don't share you, Vixen."
Fear of the unknown almost froze Adonia's tongue, but she was the obvious answer. She could do this, and the opportunity might never present itself again. "I'll be your partner. — Patricia A. Knight

Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion. — Sheila Ballantyne

When he had brushed a thin coat of dust off the pebbled leather cover of one volume, he saw the words: Register of All Wizards and Warlocks of the South Kingdom and of the North Kingdom from the Beginning of the World to the Present Time. — John Bellairs

Hello. It is Monday. I live in Sun City. Sun City is a city that is entirely contained inside an enormous concrete building in the shape of a sun. Its rays house our living quarters; its circular centre is where we work and shop. No one has ever been outside of the city; it is generally suspected that the environment outside of the city is uninhabitable. — Mike Russell

If you fuck like your eyes do, your wife must be one delighted lady. — Poppet

When words come out of your mouth, do your ears just block all incoming sound waves? — Amethyst Marie

Is there n-nothing you can do?" Parmida asked, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand.
The unicorn laughed softly. "She asks for a boon after shooting me in the ass. — Ash Gray

How ya doing?" Gabby's face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She'd stopped doing her healing thing, and the pain rushed in.
"I'm just peachy," I quipped, throat scratchy. "Only hurts when I breathe or blink or exist, if I'm being honest. — Laura Kreitzer

Love is a madness. Love is Failer - Durzo Blint — Brent Weeks

My creativity keeps me from starving. Humanity keeps my life mundane. Loving secures my love for life, but my imagination keeps me sane. — F.K. Preston

HARV, can you help at all here?" I asked, spinning downward.
"I am writing your obituary. Well, not so much writing it as updating it," HARV told me.
If I lived, I was going to kill HARV. — John Zakour

It was like staring at a whitewashed wall, but without all the emotion — Joe Abercrombie

Toads are to dragons what carrots are to unicorns. — Ness Kingsley

Well, of course. But, we already knew that. I mean ... I am kind of a big deal-Matt Carter — Natasha Larry

GET IN he says, getting in on the driver side. I get in with no questions. Okay. This is a bad movie waiting to happen-I'm getting in a car with a guy I just met today who is keeping secrets from me. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm too scared to speak or ask or run away, though. So I just get in and put on my seat belt. I am so stupid. — Sara Daniell

Duke to Michel: I'm fairly certain that even if
you'd struggle in a quiz against a pigeon, you are capable enough of opening doors. — Elias Zapple

I'm not your boyfriend!" I snapped, trying to gently move her hands away from my body.
"How can you say that?" Sara asked in horror.
"It's shockingly effortless," I replied. "My vocal chords vibrate, and my mouth and tongue articulate. I can even do it without thinking." I had to remind myself to stay calm, and sarcasm was the best way to do that.
"When are you going to give me a key to your house so I don't have to knock like some guest?" Sara asked, coming at me again.
I backed away. "How about never? Is never good for you?"
Sara, undeterred, said, "You're the reason I go to therapy on Fridays."
"The plot thickens!" Gabby exclaimed for comedic relief. — Laura Kreitzer

What happened out there?"
"I almost got quarking toasted by a dragon."
"A dragon," he repeats, scandalized. "Are you mad? Or have you been skulking around the bars of Barbary XIII? — Nenia Campbell

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

I don't think we've been introduced," I said. "My name's Zara. I'm strong, I'm fast, and I totally kick ass. It's great to be me ... but that means right now it sucks to be you. — Skyla Dawn Cameron

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

Just as foreplay is the key to good sex, preparation is essential to achieving victory in battle. Right, lieutenant? — Natalia Marx

You better not be dead. This team is already overflowing with ankle spankers. I was looking forward to having more women around."
Yara's eyelids fluttered open. She blinked a few times, focused on him, and frowned.
"Ankle spanker? The only thing you've got that'll reach that far is your ego. — Lindsay Buroker

I should hex the IRS. — Laura Oliva