Humor Chocolate Quotes & Sayings

At last, after much effort, there came a prolonged belch from the mud and Larry shot to the surface and we hauled him up the bank. He stood there, covered with the black and stinking slush, looking like a chocolate statue that has come in contact with a blast furnace; he appeared to be melting as we watched. — Gerald Durrell

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.'
'Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally. — Robyn Schneider

Here's an interesting fact: how you eat a gingerbread man says a lot about your personality. Head-first eaters are ambitious, independent, and magnetic. Feet-first are the more artistic, creative types, and those who start with the hands are kind and nurturing. Same rules apply to chocolate Easter bunnies. — Emma Chase

Like a battalion of marines at roll call, her neck hairs marshaled to five-alarm status. She stumbled back to her desk, jerked open the botton drawer, retrieved a pair of Nighthawk binoculars, fixed the scopes on him, and fiddled with the focus. Gotcha. Hair the colour of coal. Chocolate brown eyes. A five-o'clock shadow ringing his craggy jawline. Handsome as the day was long ...
He sauntered towards her, oozing charisma from every pore. Charlee forgot to breathe. And then he committed the gravest sin of all, knocking her world helter-skelter. The scoundrel smiled. — Lori Wilde

If there's no chocolate in Heaven, I'm not going. — Jane Seabrook

Ah hell, this was bad. Double-chocolate-chips-to-my-hips kinda bad. — Priya Kanaparti

All I really, really want to do is find a very, very fine chocolate store that I can walk into and then figure out how in the world one manages to pick out just a few chocolates out of all those very many chocolates! If I am one day able to walk into a fine chocolate store and know for certain which chocolates I want, when that happens, I will believe myself to be accomplished! — C. JoyBell C.

Hey, Mrs. Jakes, how come people can't afford new shoes or food, but they can still buy candy?" She smiled and waved him off. "Oh, people will always find a way to buy chocolate, Elliot. Chocolate is forever. — Jack C. Monroe

Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there. — Jen Lancaster

Eighteen luscuios scrumpitous flavors,
Chocolate,Lime and Cherry
Coffee,Pumpkin, Fudge-Banana,
Caramel Cream and boysenberry.
Rocky Road and Toasted Almond,
Butterscotch,Vanilla Dip, Butter Brinkle,
Apple Ripple,Coconut,and Mocha Chip, Brandy Peach and Lemon Custard.
Each scoop lovely.smooth and round. Tallest cream cone in town lying there on the ground. — Shel Silverstein

Where did you get that candy again?" Leven asked, worried.
"The pile said 'flavored'," Clover answered back, his face a chocolatey mess.
"Flavored?" Leven said exasperated. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Clover argued. "F-l-a-w-e-d
flavored. — Obert Skye

Christ, you could massacre half a Hindu village and still look like Peter Rabbit. What are you stuffed with?"
"Chocolate bars. And I keep six kinds of ice-cream in my icebox, when I can afford it. — Ray Bradbury

Sometimes all I need is a piece of chocolate and then I can understand you — Sharon P. Tulloch

Chocolate is medicinal. I just did another study that confirms it. — Michelle M. Pillow

I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read "12 reasons not to drink coffee". I knew we would get along. — Melody Sohayegh

After using a paint chart from a local DIY superstore to identify the skin tone of his penis as midnight chocolate, Miriam stayed down on one knee and offered him the citizenship he had always wanted and the middle-aged white woman he would grudgingly accept. — David F. Porteous

Look, I've been doing this a long time. If I'm honest with you, then yes. The Families could have done both. The car thing is absolutely their style, like you said."

Luc frowned. "But you don't think they did it."

David shook his head. "No. Because you're alive. The Families wouldn't screw up twice." He left, closing the door behind him.

"If that was supposed to make me feel better," Curtis said, "it needed way more puppies. Or something from the chocolate family. — Nathan Burgoine

Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.
Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.
And it always feels good. — Lora Brody

A little chocolate a day keeps the doctor at bay — Marcia Carrington

Buy or borrow self-improvement books, but don't read them. Stack them around your bedroom and use them as places to rest bowls of cookies.
Watch exercise shows on television, but don't do the exercises. Practice believing that the benefit lies in imagining yourself doing the exercises.
Don't power walk. Saunter slowly in the sun, eating chocolate, and carry a blanket so you can take a nap. — SARK

Are bacon and chocolate the foundation of a good meal? No, everybody knows
that is a deep fryer and/or gravy. However, I have long held the notion that you can't name a food that I can't improve by adding either bacon or chocolate. — Aaron Blaylock

Jerry took a large slice of wheaten bread, spread with golden butter, and bit into it with her small white teeth. It was a natural gesture - she was very hungry indeed - but to Sam, there was something symbolic about it. Jerry was like bread, he thought. She was like good wholesome wheaten bread, spread thick with honest farm butter; and the thought crossed his mind, that a man might eat bread forever and ever, and not tire of it, and it would never clog his palate like sweet cakes or pastries or chocolate eclairs. — D.E. Stevenson

Italians can drink hot chocolate and eat ices almost at the same time, without dying! — Aimee Dostoyevsky

Let's examine what prize that is one more time; no more direct sunlight ever again, no more laughter. You get eternity, but you don't have the sense of humor to enjoy it! Also, vampires don't eat food. You never get to eat chocolate again. Ever. I'd rather die. — Justine Larbalestier

The chocolate raisins tasted somewhat fishy, but Lucy didn't care-chocolate was chocolate. She changed her mind however, when she realized that the raisins were tiny fish heads. — Angie Sage

(1)BEING A POET
is like opening a car door
& exposing yourself.
(2)BEING A GOOD POET
is like opening the door
& exposing the passenger
as well. — Chocolate Waters

There were some days that deserved to be drowned at birth and everyone sent back to bed with a hot brandy, a box of chocolates and a warm, energetic companion. Today was without question one of those days. — Diana Pharaoh Francis

To me, chocolate was the sole reason we on this earth. — Esi Edugyan

It would be like a cleansing diet. The problem was, the only diet I'd ever been on backfired. Once I tried to go an entire month without chocolate. Not one bite. At the end of two weeks, I broke down and binged on more chocolate that I would have eaten in three months. I hoped my chocolate-free diet didn't foreshadow what would happen if I tried to avoid Patch. — Becca Fitzpatrick

Grace gave her a gentle smile. You know what the answer is, don't you? Chocolate. It's always the answer, no matter the question. — Suzanne Wright

It was 2:00 p.m., too early for wine but not for chocolate. — Andrea Hurst

Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well ... They can be useful. But mainly ... They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical. — Rachel Hill

I hate you. I hate you so much I hope you get a severe allergic reaction to chocolate and sex. — Eden Butler

Maybe Talon was secretly operating a chocolate factory," I joked, "because they discovered that making chocolate is much more rewarding than trying to take over everything"
Riley snorted. "If they put something in the bars that turned all humans into mindless drones, I wouldn't put it past them," he replied. "But I doubt that's what happened here, Firebrand."
"Okay, but if we run into chocolate-fueled zombies, you owe me dinner."
"Always the zombies with you. — Julie Kagawa

Detective Virgil and Barlow [bomb-technician] arranged to meet at the Starbucks. Virgil got a grande hot chocolate, no-fat milk, no foam, no whipped cream, and Barlow got a venti latte with an extra shot. As they took a corner table, Virgil said, "Remind me not to stand next to you if you're handling a bomb. That much caffeine, you gotta be shakin' like a hundred-dollar belly dancer."
"At least I'm not drinking like a little girl," Barlow said. — John Sandford

Blood is really warm,
it's like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming. — Ryan Mecum

Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child. — Billy Crystal

REFUSAL
When you refuse
to tell your weight
and age,
people know
you're fat and old. — Chocolate Waters

I silently wished to be a car-I was big enough to be one. I wanted to imagine myself purring every time Devin got inside me and took me for a ride. Unfortunately, all I could see was me drunk with chocolate smeared across my face singing the Transformer's intro "Robots in Disguise!" into Shannon's broken box fan. — Tabatha Vargo

Jenks enthusiastically leaned against the counter and opened the box. Bypassing the plastic knife, he broke off about a third of it and took a huge bite. Ivy watched, appalled, and I shrugged. His mouth moving as he hummed, Jenks finished unpacking the sacks. I was half dead, Ivy was whoring herself to keep me safe, but Jenks was okay as long as he had chocolate. — Kim Harrison

I can't drop it. It's how I'm drawn. — I.B. Nosey

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE
I have so much to do today.
I can't possibly get it all done,
so I'm not going to start. — Chocolate Waters

I picked up a lot of my arguing-with-Mom techniques from Mimsy. She always says if you state the facts, Mom won't argue with you. And it's true. I used this approach once when I was little, after I got home from a visit with Mimsy. I wanted to eat a chocolate bar for a snack but mom wanted me to have an apple. I refused, saying I have never had a bad candy bar but have had plenty of bad apples. Mom relented and let me have my chocolate. But not before saying, "All right. No bad apples for the bad apple." It was still worth it. — Courtney Turk

Whether it's chocolate or socks, the rule is the same; the darker the better. — Pseudonymous Bosch

You're not the only one in this relationship who loves a
challenge," he says. "And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chip
cookies warm and soft in the middle ... and without magnets glued to them. — Simone Elkeles

What with books and chocolate, there's not much else you could have in it, is there? — Dodie Smith

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate — Pablo

Don't get between me and my chocolate! — Gail Koger

Chocolate, coffee, and ice cream were far more reliable when it came to providing a good time, and at least they would never disappoint me. — Keri Arthur

Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own. — Philip Roth

Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters."
Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs."
She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs.
"These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations."
"All natural!" Fleecy chimed in.
"I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy. — Rick Riordan

You're missing the point! ... We could make it rain cupcakes from the sky! Raspberry-jam pies would grow on trees, and chocolate rabbits would poop chocolate buttons! — Lisa Mantchev

A good night sleep, or a ten minute bawl, or a pint of chocolate ice cream, or all three together, is good medicine. — Ray Bradbury

Don't listen to writers. They're messed up - that's why they're writers! — Chocolate Waters

Wendy warmed my heart, earned my trust, touched my soul, and then touched me in a lot of other places. And right after we'd slept together for the very first time she looked up at me with her chocolate-brown, trustworthy doe eyes and said, I've got herpes. I thought you should know. — Caprice Crane

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes." — Steven Wright

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.
Aizowa: That clinches it.
Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here. — Tsugumi Ohba

Anna's spiritual formation was relegated to cultural expressions of faith: the Christmas Baby Jesus and his gifts, the Easter risen Christ and his chocolate bunnies, and a copy of The Thorn Birds pulled from her mother's bookshelf. — Jill Alexander Essbaum

My fans have great senses of humor and eat too much chocolate. — Christopher Moore

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can,
politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot.
Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,
looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips. — Tom Althouse

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. — Mitch Hedberg

What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly. — Cassandra Clare

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you. — Scott B. Pruden

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

What would you rather have?"
"Cheeseburger and a small fry. Coke classic. Better yet, dope classic."
"Sure. I'll take a milkshake. What's the special flavor this week, chocolate Jack Daniels?"
"Strawberry scotch."
"Stick one of those paper umbrellas in mine."
"Shove a syringe in mine. And a plastic tombstone. RIP, baby. He was born a rock star. He died a junkie."
"Rock in peace."
[...]
"He wanted the world and lost his soul. [...] Sold it all for rock and roll. Lost his heart in a needle. Found his life in the grave. The road to hell is paved in marijuana leaves. Now he rocks in peace. — L.F. Blake

I would advocate that chocolate be covered by health insurance, but that is admittedly a very French public policy perspective. — Mireille Guiliano

The smell was like chocolate and cookies and biscuits and gravy and everything else that was delicious. It damn near drove me crazy every time I had to touch one. I'd been fighting the cravings the way I'd never fought the urge to take drugs or get drunk. — Diana Rowland

Who needs men when they can have chocolate?
Who needs sex when they can have chocolate, come to that — Trisha Ashley

Well, first I tried just telling her the truth. That if you kiss her, you'll die. She started crying hysterically."
"Oh, good thinking," I say, lifting the cup of hot chocolate to my mouth. Why hadn't I thought of that right off?
"Yeeeah, turns out not so much. I thought that might have worked since, you know, she's supposedly in love with you, but then being a total psychopath and all, she started blubbering, 'I'd rather have one perfect passionate kiss with Haden and lose him forever, than to have never kissed him at all.'"
I almost choke on a sip of hot chocolate. It burns my throat. — Bree Despain

For chocolate's sake! — Nicole Green

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled". — Demetri Martin

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry. — Andrea Portes

A dark-chocolate truffle melts in my mouth, and I forget about everything else ... even the fact that I'm on a diet. — Barbara Brooke

Perhaps I won't marry then. Instead, you and I shall live as spinsters in a cottage by the sea. We'll burn our corsets, eat chocolate morning, noon and night and grow fat as hedgehogs. — Alyxandra Harvey

Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3
two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?) — Ally Carter

What kind of person doesn't like chocolate? — Hend Hegazi

Humor is the chocolate chips in the ice cream of life. — Barbara Johnson

You like a cracker?
What kind of cracker?
Graham, chocolate, cocoanut, whatever you want.
Maybe just a plain cracker.
I don't have plain crackers. I got graham, chocolate and cocoanut.
Alright, a graham cracker.
They're in the kitchen, in the closet.
Maybe later. — Neil Simon

Save the Earth...it's the only planet with chocolate — Dianne Castell

Sometimes, I feel my breath coming in shorter, quicker, spastic bursts, feel my heart threaten to thunder through my ribs, feel sweat beading on my brow ... and I know it's time to bust out those "chocolate frogs" from Harry Potter. — Shannon Celebi

I'm the official unofficial reporter. — I.B. Nosey

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt. — Charles M. Schulz

Was it tacky to get a cake during a hostage crisis? What was the protocol? She pictured chocolate frosting with white lettering: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER ISN'T DEAD. But this year was her fiftieth, a year with a zero. Veronica had to do something. So on her way to the condo she'd swung by a bakery and picked up a small German chocolate cake. It was her mom's favorite - or at least it had been, a decade ago. — Rob Thomas

Darlin I am sorry, please.
No Knox, get out! you know what they say about apologies?
No,
They are better said with chocolate!
Knox & Bailey, Scarred Hearts — Elizabeth Kelly

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals. — Robert Orben

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life. — Lois Greiman

Walking back across the St-Esprit bridge, to the ghetto I'd instinctively gravitated toward, I mentally erected a more appropriate statue on the square. It would depict an unknown Sephardic Jew, kneeling over a stone tripod covered with crushed cacao beans destined for a cup of chocolate for one of the gentiles of Bayonne.
It would be a symbolic piece, executed in smooth, chocolate-hued marble, and dedicated to all the other forgotten heroes--coffee-drinking Sufi dervishes, peyote-eating Native Americans, Mexican hemp-smokers--who, throughout history, have faced the wrath of all the sultans, drug czars, and Vatican clerics who have resorted to any spurious pretext to squelch one of the most venerable and misunderstood of human drives: the desire to escape, however briefly, everyday consciousness. — Taras Grescoe

I USED TO
make love.
Now I
Make coffee. — Chocolate Waters

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate. — Amanda Mosher

Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.
Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye.
"Checkmate, bitch," Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king. — Lauren Kate

Ontologically, chocolate raises profoundly disturbing questions: Does not chocolate offer natural revelation of the goodness of the Creator just as chilies disclose a divine sense of humor? Is the human born with an innate longing for chocolate? Does the notion of chocolate preclude the concept of free will? — David Augsburger

Ouch," he said.
"Move your foot."
"No."
"Go away."
"Glad to see you, too."
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"You missed the bus," he said.
"I'm sick."
"Need chicken soup?"
"Actually, it's my period," I lied. "Killer cramps."
"Chocolate and a heating pad?"
"How do you know that?"
"I have an older sister and my mom is a kick-ass feminist," he said. "I'm probably the only guy in school who can buy tampons without having a seizure. Look, at that, I can even say the word. 'Tampon, tampon, tampon.' If you say it enough, it stops sounding like a word, know what I mean? — Laurie Halse Anderson

As last days go, mine sucked. The last day I would have chosen - the last day I deserved - would have involved more chocolate. — Robin Wasserman

Hell, yeah," Steve replied, his chocolate brown eyes wide with wonder. "I love the supernatural." "Dude, we are the supernatural," Chris replied. — Jody Morse

As I grabbed my cocoa, chocolate ran down my hand.
"This makes me feel like a five-year-old," I said, licking it off.
"If I ordered a sandwich at this place, do you think they'd cut the crusts off? — Mindi Scott

What's that?"
"It's brownies. You know, the frosted kind. The ones that fulfill every chocolate fantasy. Unless you don't like chocolate. But of course you do. Everyone likes chocolate. Wait, do you like chocolate? Oh, and nuts? Do you like nuts?"
His scowl deepened as he glanced from side to side to see if anyone was within earshot. "I like nuts. Unless they're attached to a dude. - Viv and Kane — Brenda Rothert

Why should any guy want to be only friends with a girl? It's like agreeing to be near a chocolate cake and never eat it. It's like sitting in a racing car but not driving it. — Chetan Bhagat

Maybe she's helping him because his hands are full," Lydia suggested.
The girl kissed a trace of chocolate from the corner of his mouth.
"Or not. — Diana Peterfreund

So I left my wonderfully intelligent family and soaked myself in the bath and considered drowning myself. Then I remembered I still had chocolate cake left over from yesterday so I came back up for air. Some things are worth living for. — Cecelia Ahern

I gave the dog a last scratch and he smiled and wagged his heavy tail. He didn't look like a dog that stole and ate children. He looked like a dog that might steal chocolate-covered Easter eggs. — Richard Bradford