Humor Banter Quotes & Sayings

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn't have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name. — Rucy Ban

Forceful little thing, aren't you?"
"You have no idea. So we doing this or not?"
Those lush lips twitched. "Let me get this straight. We're going to the bathroom, and I'm going to fuck you, and you don't even care to know my name?"
"I'd actually prefer it if you'd keep your stupid mouth closed." Oops. Her hatred was slipping out.
"Well, well. You might just be my soul mate. — Gena Showalter

Just get up. What's your name, kid?"
"G-man"
"I don't mean your codename down at the Dickhead Club. What does it say on your driver's license? — Tad Williams

Huh? Oh you have a hidden agenda, do you?" She laughed. His straight-faced humor always surprised her. "You promised me you didn't."
"There is nothing hidden about it," he replied. My objective is obvious. I've decided I'd rather have you describe me as 'sweet' than a 'slagging pain in the tailset.'"
"Really?"
"Well ... " he looked up from the bag. "Maybe not in public."
"I might be able to confine myself to saying it in private, if you gave me a reason." Taya met his eyes, and he blushed. — Dru Pagliassotti

You need to own your feelings. Get more comfortable expressing yourself."
"How about I express you out the nearest window? — Greg Cox

Quick, Derek, it's your chance to shine," Ascanio said.
Derek gave him a withering look.
"Desandra is a mother, Robert is married, Kate's affianced, and I'm an old soul. You're the closest thing to a virgin we've got. Get on with growing some flowing locks. — Ilona Andrews

Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe," Derek said.
"Don Juanabe?" Ascanio pulled out his swords.
"Don Juan Wannabe," Derek explained. "See I shortened it. If you still don't get it, I'll write it down for you after the fight."
"You've maxed out your wit quota for the night," Ascanio said.
"I'm just getting started."
"Be careful, you might sprain something in your brain. — Ilona Andrews

No walking! No standing, no bending, no moving, no accessing the Shadow Roads, nothing. You don't swim for an hour after eating, you don't swan around like an idiot for an hour after narrowly avoiding death.'
'Toby does,' said Quentin.
'Toby is genetically predisposed to swan around like an idiot,' Jin shot back. 'Now sit. — Seanan McGuire

-it's the d-isomer of a compound, the name of which won't mean anything to you-
-oh, yeah? how do you know it won't mean nothing to me?
-three-methoxy-n-methylmorphinan
-you're right. don't mean a dam thing to me — Patricia Cornwell

I just want mind-boggling sex tonight, but I don't think you can beat my vibrator. — Anna Bayes

This rain is crazy, huh?"

"Yeah. Hope your ark-building skills are decent, or we could be in trouble."

"We don't need an ark. I have some inflatable pool lounges. They have cup holders."

"Fancy."

"No expense spared to save my woman from the watery apocalypse."

"Nothing says 'I love you' more than quality recreational inflatables."

He makes a noise. "Now I have visions of that inflatable sheep Avery bought for his pool."

"We said we'd never discuss that. — Leisa Rayven

She trailed after him, admiring the line of his back. He began climbing the stairs, and she sighed with pleasure. Every bit of him was gorgeous. "Do you mind if I objectify you?"
"Please do," he said over his shoulder. "Particularly my knees, as they are oft-neglected."
"Maybe if you ever got your pants off, they wouldn't be."
"It hardly matters, sweet; once they've come off, the attention isn't likely to center on my absurdly handsome knees. — Meljean Brook

Oh God, Oh God we're all gonna die doesn't really fit the definition of banter, now does it? — Lilith Saintcrow

Lydia: What the devil do you mean by creeping up on me? You're suppose to be in a brothel.
Vere: I lied. I can't believe you fell for the old going-to-a-brothel ruse. You didn't even look out the window to make sure I'd gone away. — Loretta Chase

John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep."
Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation."
"Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you. — Julia Quinn

His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea. — Mary Balogh

What is that *smell*?"
Eliot shook his head. "I keep telling you, it's fresh air. — Keith R.A. DeCandido

What do you think that fish is?' Sam asked Astrid.
She peered closely at the alleged fish. 'I think that's an example of Pesce inedibilis,' she said.
'Yeah?' Sam made a face. 'Do you think it's okay to eat?'
Astrid sighed theatrically. 'Pesce inedibilis? Inedible? Joke, duh. Try to keep up, Sam, I made that really easy for you.'
Sam smiled. 'You know, a real genius would have known I wouldn't get it. Ergo, you are not a real genius. Hah. That's right. I threw down an 'ergo.'
She gave him a pitying look. 'That's very impressive, Sam. Especially from a boy who has twenty-two different uses for the word 'dude. — Michael Grant

Needle in a haystack's easy - just bring a magnet."
Eliot stared witheringly at Hardison. "You take the poetry out of everything."
"Says the man who'd just punch the haystack. — Keith R.A. DeCandido

Cal opened another cabinet and removed a bottle of anti-inflammatory tablets, placing them on the table in front of her along with the ice pack he snagged from the freezer.
She glanced at him, suspicious. "What's this?"
"The drug I offer to all of my victims to make them more compliant. It's ibuprofen," he said when she glared at him. "It'll help with the pain and hopefully keep the swelling down. As will the ice. Do you need help taking your boots off?"
"So that it'll be more difficult for me to run away when you bring out your collection of shrunken human heads?"
"Now you're catching on. — Lisa Clark O'Neill

As a gentleman- assuming you still have some pretensions in that direction- of honor- again, perhaps presumptuous, but still supposing your passing acquaintance with the concept- it is your duty- I won't even trouble to speculate here, but remain naively hopeful- to protect those under your care. — Connie Brockway

Not going to walk me to the door?" I asked, pretending to be shocked at his lack of gallantry.
"Of course I am. many would think that a bonny lass such as yerself wouldst be able to stay out of trouble for a distance of fifteen feet, but I know better."
"Did you just use the words yerself and wouldst in the same sentence? You can't be a pirate and a courtier at the same time, Dev. It just isn't done. — Jennifer Lynn Barnes

This "who's on top" banter continues until one wrestler (who has slyly gone to hide behind a chair) leaps upon his rival with an animal cry. The pair then proceeds to create a series of tableaux that appear to be from the Kama Sutra, Vatsyayana's ancient Indian textbook of carnal satisfaction. Occasionally, the tension is broken by a wrestler who picks up a large object, such as a table, to throw on the other's head, as if suddenly disgusted by his forbidden love. — A.C. Kemp

That's what you think of me, is it, girl?" said his lordship, a glint in his eyes.

"Oh, no!" she responded, dropping him a curtsy. "It's what I say, sir! You must know that my featherheaded Mama has taught me to behave with all the propriety in the world! To tell you what I think of you would be to sink myself quite below reproach! — Georgette Heyer

Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. "You really don't get this bodyguard thing, do you?"
"I didn't even think you liked me all that much," said Simon. "Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?"
"I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house a night and throw up in his mailbox."
"I'm pretty sure that's not it — Cassandra Clare

I'll give you a cake if you get him in the stream by the end of the afternoon,' Mori said to Six.

'Hold on,' Thaniel said. 'No making criminals of the orphans, Fagin.'

'But I want some cake,' Six frowned. 'And his name isn't Fagin. — Natasha Pulley

What's that?' Thaniel said, curious. The postmarks and stamps weren't English or Japanese.

'A painting. There's a depressed Dutchman who does countryside scenes and flowers and things. It's ugly, but I have to maintain the estates in Japan and modern art is a good investment. — Natasha Pulley

I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches. — Seanan McGuire

His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?"
"Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army.
"If it's your first, I'll do it differently."
"You won't do it at all."
"Yes, I will. — Meljean Brook

Is that an invitation?"
"I suppose it is."
"Good." Cade's voice dropped lower, adding one last thing before hanging up. "And tell your friend in the striped shirt that he's in my seat. — Julie James

Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You are still maiden, I hope?"
Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes."
"Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens. — George R R Martin

Peter! Were you looking for a horse-shoe?"
"No; I was expecting the horse, but the shoe is a piece of pure, gorgeous luck."
"And observation. I found it."
"You did. And I could kiss you for it. You need not shrink and tremble. I am not going to do it. When I kiss you, it will be an important event
one of those things which stand out among their surroundings like the first time you tasted li-chee. It will not be an unimportant sideshow attached to a detective investigation. — Dorothy L. Sayers

That easy, confident grin returned. "Don't worry, it's easily forgotten."
"Well," I said huffily, "it shouldn't be that easily forgotten."
"Would you like it better if I say I'll eventually forget it but not without a great deal of struggle and torment?"
"Yes."
"Done. — Richelle Mead

I do not think you are in any danger of starving," Maximus said. "The surgeon said only two weeks ago that you are too fat."
"The devil!" Berkley said indignantly, sitting up; and Maximus snorted in amusement at having provoked him. — Naomi Novik

One of my favorite things about 'Star Trek' wasn't just the overt banter but the humor in that show about the relationships between the main characters and their reactions to the situations they would face; there was a lot of comedy in that show without ever breaking its reality. — J.J. Abrams

Nobody wants a house in Osaka,' he said, and it was strange to hear him switch suddenly to foreign pronunciation in the middle of his English. 'It would mean you had to live in Osaka.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'It's like . . . Birmingham. — Natasha Pulley

You think batting your lashes is going to get you out of this?"

"Of course not. You're a married man, detective. — M. Kane

Fuck you!" "Right here?" He crossed his arms. "That definitely wouldn't help your getting over me. — Stacey Marie Brown

Jesus."

"I thought you were Jewish."

He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?"

"I doubt Jesus is. — M. Kane

I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't. — Natasha Pulley

Is it white wine? Red tastes like vinegar.'

'Of course it's white wine, I'm Japanese. — Natasha Pulley

I was incapable of producing
anything coherent at the moment so
rather than throwing out some witty
banter in response I said something like
"Ohgaahaad" instead. Feel free to quote
me. — N.M. Silber

Horrible sense of humor?" Hunter's eyes twinkled as he engaged in our banter. "Compared to your one-word witticisms, I'm a fountain of entertainment. — Katherine McIntyre

I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. — Mary Balogh

How about I call you when I finish this?"
"But you don't even have my phone number," he said.
"I strongly suspect you write it in the book. — John Green

Smite me? You think you can smite me? Do you even know what that means?
I shrugged. "What do you think it means?" I thought I'd gotten it right.
"Nothing," she cackled, "Absolutely nothing because you couldn't smite me even if you knew what it meant."
"Really? A minute ago you didn't think I could see you. How do you know what I can't do?"
That slowed her down.
"Trust me, if I can see you, I can smite you." - Aurora to Peaches — A&E Kirk

Come work for me, and I'll tell you."
My eyes went to his. "You are a thief, a cheat, a murderer, and a not-nice man," I said calmly. "I don't like you."
He shrugged, the motion making him look utterly harmless. "I'm not a thief," he said. "And I don't mind manipulating you into working for me when I need it." He smiled, showing me perfect teeth. "I enjoy it, actually. — Kim Harrison

Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.'
'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting. — Mary Balogh

Ryker smiled at me. "You learn quick - "

I cut him off. "If you call me grasshopper, I'm going to slug you."

"Padawan."

I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn't even flinch. "You're such a nerd."

"Geek, Millie. I'm a geek." His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him.

I shot him a grin instead. "Only a nerd would know the difference. — E.M. Denning

We shall see. You have been long away from our people. Your skills may have grown rusty."
"What skills?" I asked.
"His sexual ones. That is how we court among our kind," Vlad explained.
"Oh, well, I'm not sure about the charm, Gordane may have to practice on that," I said, making Gordane growl.
"But I can vouch for his sexual skills. He's had plenty of practice." A low growl, two low growls behind me, suddenly made me realize how my words could be taken.
"I meant plenty of practice on other women," I hastened to add, looking exasperatedly at Gryphon and Halcyon-where the growls were coming from. "He has an entire harem of at least eighty women, for Pete's sake."
Thankfully the menacing growls subsided. — Sunny

I know what party you're talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you're going to be there in a costume." He winked and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm going as a homeless person."
"Sexy. — Chanelle Gray

Did you ever see so many pee-wee hats, Carl?"
"They're beanies."
"They call them pee-wees in Brooklyn."
"But I'm not in Brooklyn."
"But you're still a Brooklynite."
"I wouldn't want that to get around, Annie."
"You don't mean that, Carl."
"Ah, we might as well call them beanies, Annie."
"Why?"
"When in Rome do as the Romans do."
"Do they call them beanies in Rome?" she asked artlessly.
"This is the silliest conversation ... — Betty Smith

I quite enjoy the banter actually. I mean, you don't meet many females who can come back at you as fast as you can throw it out at them. I prefer a more graphic dialogue as a forerunner to sex though: if they have the guts to spell it out for me in glorious Technicolor that always gets my interest. — Poppet

Simon laughed heartily. "I'm afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they're there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are."
"Handcuffs hardly count," Christian said offhandedly.
"If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island," he said, rubbing his chest, " ... then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast."
"I must have gone to the wrong island," I said with a private laugh. — Dannika Dark

Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories."
"You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle.
"I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing."
"I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary.
"They are librarians."
Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees. — Cassandra Clare