Humor And Swearing Quotes & Sayings

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels. — Dylan Moran

Ah, never," Nicholas said, rubbing his hands together. "Such an interesting word."
"You know, Your Majesty, the only reason I'm not swearing at you right now is because I was taught to be kind to old men."
Nicholas laughed merrily. "Cheeky whelp."
"Does that mean you won't slay me for telling you that you're a thoroughly obnoxious, interefering, exasperating ... " Runach took a deep breath. "Good breeding prevents me from saying more."
Nicholas smiled. "Runach, my dearest boy, you are truly your mother's son. — Lynn Kurland

I've been lucky enough to fly to space twice. — Chris Hadfield

corgi 1. n. A high class hound, such as those that accompany the Queen. 2. n. A high class hound, such as the one that accompanies Prince Charles. — VIZ

In one scene, when I was supposed to say, "In a pig's eye you are," what came out was, "In a pig's ass you are." Old habits die awfully hard. — Ava Gardner

Agatha Christie n. A silent, putrid fart committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunnit. — VIZ

We are drawn to our television sets each April the way we are drawn to the scene of an accident. — Vincent Canby

The lower one speaks the closer a woman listens. — Marcel Achard

Because of social strictures against even the mildest swearing, America developed a particularly rich crop of euphemistic expletives - darn, durn, goldurn, goshdad, goshdang, goshawful, blast, consarn, confound, by Jove, by jingo, great guns, by the great horn spoon (a nonce term first cited in the Biglow Papers), jo-fired, jumping Jehoshaphat, and others almost without number - but even this cautious epithets could land people in trouble as late as the 1940s. — Bill Bryson

Apparently profanity had a way of making men listen. — Megan Shepherd

What is the compulsion to tell the truth if not a moral compulsion? Jacqueline Delon had asked. She was wrong. It's a survival necessity. You can't live if you can't accept what you are, and you can't accept what you are if you can't say what you do. The power of naming, as old as Adam. We — Glen Duncan

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt. — H.M. Ward

And there was this sweet-looking little old lady with her white hair in a bun and everything, the typical grandmother type, and she was swearing her head off. I guess Alzheimer's had brought out her inner sailor. — Vivian Vande Velde

Rick, I'm holding a do-I-give-a-shit-ometer in my hand, and the needle's not moving. Shut up. — Douglas Coupland

When did swearing become so easy? You still would never swear in front of your parents or most adults, but when you're with your friends it's like every fifth word. Why couldn't learning Spanish be that easy? — Charles Benoit

The tree man eulogized them by screaming, 'And now get the hell out of here with your tree, you lousy bastards.'
Francie had heard swearing since she had heard words. Obscenity and profanity had no meaning as such among those people. They were emotional expressions of inarticulate people with small vocabularies; they made a kind of dialect. The phrases could mean many things according to the expression and tone used in saying them. So now, when Francie heard themselves called lousy bastards, she smiled tremulously at the kind man. She knew that he was really saying, 'Good-bye
God bless you. — Betty Smith

She hit us," the woman shrieked. That was the gist of it anyway. There were a lot of unladylike words that began with "F," with various "C" words thrown in for leavening.
...
"Ben's better," I murmured. "He's more creative when he swears."
"He does it in that English accent, which is too cool. — Patricia Briggs

Craig: 'When I used to drink, I binge drank ... and I'm kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf on and my hat and I stay at home and just watch them.'
Neil Gaiman: 'You watch them, you wake up in the morning hating yourself and swearing to never do it again.'
Craig: 'It's like you know me, man. — Craig Ferguson

I do want to keep the Wedgewood Collection in place, intact, and open to the public. Selling it off would be a real tragedy. — John Caudwell

Jake leaned on the horn, swearing loudly. Gina covered her eyes. Doc flung his arms around me, burying his face in my lap, and Dopey, to my great surprise, began to scream like a girl, very close to my ear ... — Meg Cabot

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" — Mitch Hedberg

Oh,great.It's like we're being bussed in from the fucking projects," Aphrodite and "I'm hoping for urban renewal," Aphrodite grumbled. — P.C. Cast

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.
But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.

And this is how he did it:
He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.
He stopped holding my hand.
He stopped kissing me good night.
He stopped kissing me good morning.
He stopped kissing me.
He stopped smiling at me.
He stopped laughing.
He stopped bathing and showering with me.
He stopped wanting me.
He started swearing at me.
He started lying to me.
He started cheating on me.
He hurt me.
And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.
Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.

I wanted to blow his fucking brains out. — Terry McMillan