Humor Allie Quotes & Sayings

I'm adorable, first off. My sense of humor is stellar - obvs."
"Obvs," she echoes dryly.
"I'm extraordinarily skilled in the art of conversation."
She nods. "When it's about yourself, of course."
"Of course." I pretend to think it over some more. "Oh, and I'm a mind reader. No lie. I always know what the other person is thinking."
"Yeah? What am I thinking right now?" Allie challenges.
"That you want me to shut up and fuck you again."
She shakes her head in dismay. "Goddamn it. That's actually what I was thinking."
I smirk at her and tap my forehead. "Told ya. Mind reader. — Elle Kennedy

I had tasted cake and there was no going back. My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation. I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. — Allie Brosh

But when you're concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like. — Allie Brosh

She sighed, knowing she couldn't push it any further. "Thank you for being so ... merciful," Allie said. "But I would appreciate it if Pea-brain here would keep his hands off me."
"That's Pinhead," corrected the boy. "Pea-brain works in the engine room. — Neal Shusterman

The problem is that you can't really read a script saying, 'Hmmm, I'll just see what this is.' You have to go right into it; you have to get engaged with it, and once you are engaged, you want to do it! It's really difficult to get uninvolved. — Mads Mikkelsen

I'm not a golf player. I think golf and fishing are the same, but at the end of the day, you can't fry up and golf ball and dip it in tartar sauce. So I'm a fisherman. — Daymond John

The Labor Party is a party with no ideals, regulations or laws, and it is a party I will not be a part of. — Ami Ayalon

What I'm interested in is the protection of children from violence, and they are exposed to violence every single day in the form of, as it's called, the news. Then you wonder why the children are running around, doing the things in the streets, doing the things that they've seen the adults doing in the so-called news. — Sinead O'Connor

When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos. The simple dog remained unfazed. — Allie Brosh

I know sometimes tragic or humiliating events propel you into a better life, I've experienced that for sure, but it still hurts. It still burns. I think sometimes it hurts more because you can't wish it had never happened. It improved your life in the long run. — Autumn De Wilde

And wonders of wonders, they both shut up and did as I said.
If I'd had time I would have pulled out my journal and made a note: Shame and Terric actually listened to me for once. Warn Hell. There's a freeze coming. — Devon Monk

What the hell?" I muttered. Then I realized it was Jack Quinn's car. Jack was a Hound and Bea's boyfriend. The left blinker flashed on for just a second, and then Jack drove at speed again.
"Zayvion, I'm sorry to tell you I think I have a crush on another man."
"Who is this unfortunate and soon-to-be-dead fool?" he asked.
"Jack. That's his car. He must have been waiting for us, or maybe he followed us."
"Jack Quinn has been following us?" Shame said.
"And now he's taking us to Collins, I think."
"Or a trap," Shame said.
"He's a Hound, Shame."
"My statement stands."
"You still don't get it, do you?" I turned left, following the car. "Hounds are loyal. Jack and Bea told me they'd help me if they could. They're not going to turn against me while I'm in trouble."
"What happens when you're not in trouble?" Shame asked.
"Don't know. It's never happened. — Devon Monk

Claire's cottage wasn't quite the same layout as his mother's, but it looked to be the same size. Daniel couldn't be sure - he'd have to see Claire's bedroom first. Internally again, Daniel laughed and then he sighed again. Did he just make a joke in his head and laugh at himself? — Allie Burke

The thing about being an unstoppable force is that you can really only enjoy the experience of being one when you have something to bash yourself against. You need to have things trying to stop you so that you can get a better sense of how fast you are going as you smash through them. And whenever I was inside the dinosaur costume, that is the only thing I wanted to do. — Allie Brosh

It would be hilariously tragic if I avoided the rabids, avoided the sun, only to be fried to a crisp on a damn electric fence because I was too impatient. — Julie Kagawa

I glanced up at the trees too.
Dead. Every one of them gray and white, needles rusted, leaves shriveled at the tips of branches. All the life sucked out of them. Not just the trees. All the plants, ferns, grasses and brush were shriveled, brown, barren.
As if a month of winter had set down right here in my driveway and gone on a killing spree.
...
"Love what you've done with the landscape," Cody said. "You could open your own business, you know."
...
"The hell you talking about, Miller?" I asked Cody.
"Yard care. You're poison and weed whacker all in one. You can call it Death to All Shrubbery. — Devon Monk

Trimming your dogs nails is a traumatic event that requires three people, a beach towel, and a can of spray cheese. — Allie Brosh

On a fundamental level, I am someone who would throw sand at children. — Allie Brosh

Fear and shame are the backbone of my self-control. They are my source of inspiration, my insurance against becoming entirely unacceptable. They help me do the right thing. And I am terrified of what I would be without them. Because I suspect that, left to my own devices, I would completely lose control of my life. I'm still hoping that perhaps someday I'll learn how to use willpower like a real person, but until that very unlikely day, I will confidently battle toward adequacy, wielding my crude skill set of fear and shame. — Allie Brosh

Getting your license gives you the right to pick your nose in the car. — Taylor Hanson

You threw Shackle," Terric said. "At his head. With a hell of a lot of magic."
"He was trying to kill you guys. He'd trapped Zay. What did you want me to do, challenge him to a game of dominos? I was supposed to ride to the rescue, right? I rode. — Devon Monk

Baking was a science, precise, just mix it all together and let the oven do the work. But actually cooking, she couldn't cook a tasty meal if her life depended on it. — Allie Burke

They didn't let you bring marijuana on airplanes, apparently, as hard as that was to believe. — Allie Burke

Everything quiet?"
"You mean Shame"
"I mean your Pooh News. Any rumblies in the tumblies?" I gave him a grin.
He shook his head. "You just can't let that go, can you? ... — Devon Monk

I swore I'd never be the girlfriend who spies on her boyfriend's phone, but tough shit. I'm her today. — Allie Everhart

I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard."
"Well, that's your mistake, not mine. — Julie Kagawa

I would let you hold him," Jane said, "but I'm pretty sure letting-ghosts-hold-my-baby is not on Abby's approved list of things to accomplish in life. — Allie Burke

Silence Is The Answer Of Every Questions — Purvi Mendapara

So far as I knew, Hallmark didn't make a "Sorry I Interrupted Your Oral Sex" card. — Joanna Wylde

A few of the savage creatures (rabids) I could deal with, but taking on this many ventured very close to suicide. Once was enough, thanks — Julie Kagawa

My first novel is loaded with food references largely because my cupboards were bare, and I was writing hungry. — Jan Karon

Poems are not easy to start, and they're not easy to finish. There's a great pleasure in - I wouldn't say ease, but maybe kind of a fascinated ease that accompanies the actual writing of the poem. I find it very difficult to get started. — Billy Collins

He dropped the joint in the dirt and ran inside. It wasn't his first, and wouldn't be his last. The joint, that is. Not the kid. He was pretty sure, at this point, that he would never have sexual relations with his wife again. — Allie Burke

Over the past couple of months, Chantel had become a pro at leading book discussions and inventing fun games and trivia questions that all related to that particular month's book selection. Although, last month's theme, dystopian and the book selection "Matched" by Allie Condie, had the retirement home director a little concerned when everyone wanted to stop taking their medications. Not... a good... thing! — JoJo Sutis

Who cares what most men do? I say. He looks startled. Clearly the idea of not giving a shit has failed to occur to him. — Charlotte Stein