Humerous Quotes & Sayings

Sexually active? Sexually active? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet!
I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Scary mommy confession #80920
I invited you into my home as a guest. And you brought my two year old permanent markers and play-doh. next time I visit you, I'm bringing your teenage daughter condoms and crack. — Jill Smokler

Alan Grant: "There are ... far too many words written. Millions and millions of them pouring from the presses every minute. It's a horrible thought."
The Midget (his nurse): "You sound constipated. — Josephine Tey

The wee little people that live in my head won't let Gulliver go. — Stanley Victor Paskavich

Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you'll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and that will just wear you out, let me tell you. — Jill Conner Browne

There are people who would do anything to listen to your dreams, never let go of them — Olufemi Olumide

I mean the people who seriously, seriously play devote their lives to it sort of the way monks do. I mean you don't date, you go to bed at a certain time, you eat certain ways, you practice 10-12 hours a day. And I mean, the difference between practicing three hours a day and practicing 12 hours a day is everything. And I certainly never - I never trained seriously after the age of 16. — David Foster Wallace

In life ... better that your computer mouse die ... than your rabbit. — Timothy Pina

Where's your crown, Short Stuff?"
"Stuffed in a planter back there with my shoes. — Melissa A. Craven

My fans are activists they will fight with you to defend me. — Michael Jackson

thunder booms to the — Joe Hart

Aw, come on, it's just hot as hell there and my AC doesn't even make a dent. Let's try for something cooler."
~ Loki ~ — Lora Leigh

Actions have consequences. Ignorance about the nature of those actions does not free a person from responsibility for the consequences. (28) — Stephen Dobyns

If you had the mental energy in the tank, you could create in an instant. — Wayne Thomas Batson

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something. — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a homunculus. — J.P. Mac

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! — Regina Griffin

Please follow these instructions:
1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly.
2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder.
3. Smack yourself over the head with it.
4. Repeat. You complete ass. — Leah Thomas

You raise them half-decent, and they grow up and leave. They move to Miami or California
someplace with gourmet groceries and nude beaches because you've reared them to cook good and be liberal minded. It's just the opposite with your failures
them kids stick to your tail like a cocklebur. You'd think it would be the other way around, but it's not. No matter how old I get, this will always amaze me. — Michael Lee West

The power of determination will make you unstoppable. — Jean Charest

The King had advertised the old magic tea set, but for some reason, no one wanted sugar teeth that could gouge their eyes out. — Heather Dixon

Because of Face book, Twitter, MySpace and Stumble Upon, the Home Shopping Network is probably losing millions of dollars. — Stanley Victor Paskavich

It is not a Christmas tree!" said the King, so firmly that all the girls stopped jumping about. "This is a house of mourning. It is nothing more than a tree. I thought it would look nice. Inside. That is all. — Heather Dixon

We read in the paper about a fifty-five-year-old woman-you read right, that's fifty five- who had quadruplets! Since the pregnancy was in vitro, it was clearly on purpose. I've got to tell you, we were all pretty happy that we hadn't done this and also none of us had ever considered it. Nor had we considered pulling out all our teeth with pliers or slamming our fingers in the car door repeatedly just to see what it feels like. — Jill Conner Browne

Nothing smells worse than a mans restroom in a bar, well that's what the lady told me when I called her number from the wall. — Stanley Victor Paskavich

You're not going to turn into a wanker, are you?" says Tone, opening a can of larger.
"What do you mean?"
"He means you're not going to get all studenty on us," says Spencer.
"Well, I am a student. I mean, I will be, so, ... "
"No, but I mean you're not gong to get all twatty and up-your-own-arse and come home at Christmas in a gown, talking Latin and saying "one does" and "one thinks" and all that ... "
"Yeah, Tone, that's EXACTLY what I'm going to do. — David Nicholls

It is so strange, to encounter an ex. It's as if you're in a foreign film, and what you're saying face-to-face has nothing to do with the subtitles flowing beneath you. We are so careful not to touch, although once upon a time, I slept plastered to you in your bed, you liked lichen on a rock. We are two strangers who knows every shameful secret, every hidden freckle, every fatal flaw in each other. ah we are ex , kisses indeed !! — Abdul'Rauf Hashmi

We all look back at some time or other and wonder why we didn't listen to our instincts. Why did we hestiate? Why did we lose our dreams? — Diane Griffith

You aren't allowed back until you've learned to willingly suspend disbelief. — Rebecca Murphy

Everybody's always doing the same old things
you know, doing unto others before they can do unto you. — Michael Lee West