Horrendously Funny Quotes & Sayings

I envied many for being happy, successful and content. I wondered how a sick friend managed to look resplendent in her profile picture?
How someone with a dark past post hilarious Facebook status? Until one day ... I realised that while they all were making a conscious effort to grow in life, I simply sat and worshipped the grave of my sufferings.
I sat at one place and did nothing but moan. So, I stopped. I don't dig graves anymore as I am too busy building my empire. — Saru Singhal

I thought I'd be back in baseball, but I didn't know when. — Jon Lester

I figure a friend has the right to offend you at least once. — K.J. Parker

Gluttony is a great fault; but we do not necessarily dislike a glutton. We only dislike the glutton when he becomes a gourmet-that is, we only dislike him when he not only wants the best for himself, but knows what is best for other people. — Gilbert K. Chesterton

Forgiveness is a very curious thing, in that you must not only know how to forgive; but you must also know how to accept forgiveness. Both of these aspects are equally important. When someone forgives you - believe it. — C. JoyBell C.

She often appeared at my chambers to talk over his lapses; for if, as she declared, she had washed her hands of him, she had carefully preserved the water of this ablution, which she handed about for analysis. — Henry James

Both strength of mind and body are necessary, strengths which in the last few months have deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me, — Pope Benedict XVI

Whatever I write, no matter how gray or dark the subject matter, it's still going to be a comic novel. — John Irving

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong. — Kinky Friedman

Somebody pinch me."
A man with a horrendously hairy chest and a Speedo so tight it was probably cutting off circulation passed by me at that moment, and did just that. I yelped and held a hand to my ass, gawking at his retreating back.
Jenny laughed. "Maybe this place is magic, and whatever we say comes true. Ryan Gosling, please! — Cora Carmack

Sometimes when someone tells a ridiculous lie, it is best to ignore it entirely. — Lemony Snicket

What's nice about what we have is when you enter the set, the world of film, it becomes this real cocoon, very different from all the publicity. That's the fun part. — Mira Nair