Holiday Humor Quotes & Sayings

45,000 sections of reinforced concrete - three tons each.
Nearly 300 watchtowers.
Over 250 dog runs.
Twenty bunkers.
Sixty five miles of anti-vehicle trenches - signal wire, barbed wire, beds of nails.
Over 11,000 armed guards.
A death strip of sand, well-raked to reveal footprints.
200 ordinary people shot dead following attempts to escape the communist regime.
96 miles of concrete wall.

Not your typical holiday destination.

JF Kennedy said the Berlin Wall was a better option than a war. In TDTL, the Anglo-German Bishop family from the pebbledashed English suburb of Oaking argue about this - among other - notions while driving to Cold War Berlin, through all the border checks, with a plan to visit both sides of it. — Joanna Campbell

Better a live coward than a dead hero, I've always believed. Sure people will still sing about dead heroes from time to time, but aside from that they get little attention. Unless they manage to get a holiday named after them. Even then, it's not like they get to enjoy the day off. — Bill Allen

This boy turkied my Thanksgiving, but I won't let him Grinch my Christmas. -Dean Hughes (Midway to Heaven) — Dean Hughes

I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.
Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.
On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. — Celia Rivenbark

Oh my God, you're huge. She struggled to get her hands to the ends of the long sleeves. The garment hung to her knees. She glanced up to see his lips pressed together, like he was choking on a laugh. The corners of his eyes wee crinkled and amusement flickered in his heated gaze. — Krystal Shannan

The sun doesn't live in England; it comes here on holiday when we're all at work. — Benny Bellamacina

Nate came back into the kitchen, his hair slightly messy from having had the beanie on. The gray thermal Henley he wore gave him a rugged, all-man look that made her heart skip a couple beats. For someone who was the opposite of her type, he sure was hard not to look at. Add the quiet sense of humor she'd seen last night and delivering chocolate chips, and he'd tiptoed into perfect territory. — Cindi Madsen

I shall be your guide through the fields of frantic holiday shoppers. You will come to depend on me. I'll be your Sherpa through the human mountain, your faithful Saint Bernard, guiding you through the shopping Alps, your Strider, hauling your poor hobbit ass through the perils of Middle Earth-"
"My Gollum, prepared to dump my hobbit ass in the volcano," Hank finished, although it was hard because he was fighting laughter with every word. — Amy Lane

Though most tourists accepted the occasional comic misadventure, it was important to them that overall their vacation should be pleasant. When you spend money on a holiday you are essentially purchasing happiness: if you don't enjoy yourself you will feel defrauded. — Alison Lurie

The Puritans compressed whatever mirth and public joy they deemed allowable to human infirmity; thereby so far dispelling the customary cloud, that, for the space of a single holiday, they appeared scarcely more grave than most other communities at a period of general affliction. — Nathaniel Hawthorne

She'd been trained as a child no to trust anyone, but he'd just saved her life, and she was freezing. He could be a yeti for all she cared. — Krystal Shannan

I'll get right to the point," Mr. Carter said. "For the last year, we've been searching for a sheriff for our town." He grimaced. "Wouldn't have thought finding one would be so difficult."...
"She hasn't said yes," Carter commented. He slanted her an inquiring glance. "Well, K.C. Granger. Will you have us?"
At the marriage-vow-sounding question, K.C. felt a smile play around her lips, perhaps the first one since Charles' murder. In keeping with the formality of his question, and because a little imp of humor prompted her, she said, "I do. — Debra Holland

One often hears of suicide pacts. It seems to me a wonderful solution, like going on a long holiday. We could sit and talk one night perhaps, and sip our glasses of milk, and maybe we should wake up in a trouble-free world. I'd propose it this very minute if I were sure you would keep the pact, but I fear that I may go ahead and you may change your mind at the last second.
'And have the responsibility of disposing of your body?' I said, which was the worst thing I could have said. — R.K. Narayan

While I fielded holiday news requests and worked on my end of year expense reports, the Angel of Death sat opposite my desk and played Angry Birds on his cell phone. — Elicia Hyder

All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and when it comes to the Holiday Season, happy families can abruptly become unhappy and unhappy families can, to their great alarm, be happy — Marisha Pessl

Come, woo me, woo me, for now I am in a holiday humor, and like enough to consent. — William Shakespeare

Guests stay where you've put them, and carry on doing whatever you suggested they do, until you suggest they stop and do something else. If you leave them drinking a cup of tea and looking through your holiday slides, they're supposed to sit tight till you ask them to come string and beans in your kitchen. — Anne Fine

On Christmas morning, Rebecca lost her moral virginity, her sense of humor - and her two best friends. But, other than that, it was a hell of a holiday. — Ellen Emerson White

And you expect us to take the word of your ... very pregnant wife, over a DNA test? No offense, but pregnancy tends to lower a female's IQ."
Burnett turned to the warlock, but before he could add his two cents - which didn't look as if it would be pleasant - Holiday added her own.
"That's funny," she said, but without humor.
"I've heard it also makes us vicious if provoked. And for your information, I'd be happy to put my IQ up against yours, pregnant or not."
Hunter, C. C. (2014-05-20). Reborn (Shadow Falls: After Dark) (p. 336). St. Martin's Press. Kindle Edition. — C.C. Hunter

It was Lorraine in her nightie and Mo in his cap. They'd just settled their brains for a long winter's nap in front of the television. When out in the lot there arose such a clatter, they sprang from their recliners to see what was the matter. Away to the window they flew like a flash, tore open the blinds and threw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear, but Stephanie Plum and yet another of her cars burning front to rear. — Janet Evanovich

Another holiday, another murder. At least no one got murdered at Thanksgiving dinner! How did I end up, in the season of peace and goodwill toward men, investigating another homicide?"
~ Kay Driscoll

Murder Under the Tree (A Kay Driscoll Mystery Book 2) - Coming November 14. — Susan Bernhardt

I'm not sure I'm up for going to the moon. I'd rather go to Antigua as far as holiday destinations go. Well, they all went mental didn't they, astronauts? Perhaps it's very helpful because you're reminded that you have a very short life and really there's nothing to worry about at all. But then you might come back to earth and not give a sh*t about anything. — Miranda Hart

What's it like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans. — Rob Grant

Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told. — Celia Rivenbark

It was a Wednesday, but it was a holiday, and Hattie was spending her day off from the local library (bookish by curling up on her favorite understuffed sofa with her newest purchase - a dime-store romance novel featuring bare-chested, oiled down pirates ("bookish" need not always be confused with literary") - and one of her two cats, the calico one named Mimsy. — Clayton Smith

Thanksgiving day was a holiday when everybody in the country was expected to express gratitude to the creator of the universe mainly for food. — Kurt Vonnegut

Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. — Dave Barry

Being photographed was dead time for the soul. Can the head think, while it does the same half smile under the same light frown? If this was all true, then Richard's soul was in great shape. No one photographed him any more, not even his wife. When the photographs came back from an increasingly infrequent holiday. Richard was never there..an elbow or earlobe on the edge of the frame, on the edge of life and love.. — Martin Amis

April Fools' is the only day to take people seriously. — Criss Jami

When I was around 19 years old, working in the college library, I was talking to a friend of mine and this older woman interrupted and said "You're too young to know about Billie Holiday." My response was "I'm too young to know about Shakespeare, too ... should I not read him? — Wanda Lea Brayton

Why aren't you at school?" I ask suddenly.
"It's a holiday," he says, a little too quickly.
"Right. What holiday would that be? National Talk Out of Your Ass Day? — Gretchen Powell

HOLIDAY MEANS HOLIDAY; DON'T BE TEMPTED TO WORK ON YOUR WEEK OFF

FROM THE BOOK PROGRAMMED SHEEP — Lord M.A. Fricker

Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think 'Today feels like a pyjama day.'? or is it always, 'Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.'? — Catherine Doyle