Hilarious Quotes Quotes & Sayings

Damn, is this bitch a crackhead vampire? She stays up all night. In the morning you're looking at her like, did you ever go to sleep? — Sister Souljah

I envied many for being happy, successful and content. I wondered how a sick friend managed to look resplendent in her profile picture?
How someone with a dark past post hilarious Facebook status? Until one day ... I realised that while they all were making a conscious effort to grow in life, I simply sat and worshipped the grave of my sufferings.
I sat at one place and did nothing but moan. So, I stopped. I don't dig graves anymore as I am too busy building my empire. — Saru Singhal

He cuddled her back into his arms and sighed, closing his eyes as the flames in the gas logs danced like sugar-plums. Gracie watched them across his broad chest, feeling the happiness like a flame inside her heart. Somewhere she heard Christmas carols being sung and a dog barking in the distance. Closer, she heard the strong, regular beat of Jason's heart under her ear. Christmas wasn't only in her heart. It was in her arms. — Diana Palmer

i hate math, but i love counting money — Anonymous

Jason looked down at her with smoldering eyes in a taciturn face. "You'll have to do something about Mumbles before we come back for Thanksgiving, Gracie," he told her quietly. "Kittie's allergic to cats. — Diana Palmer

Most of you Mistborn are probably too proud to crawl. I'm surprised you were willing to do so yourself."
"Too proud to crawl?" Kelsier said. "Nosense! Why, I'd say that we Mistborn are too proud not to be humble enough to go crawling about--in a dignified manner, of course."
Dockson frowned, approaching the desk. "Kell, that didn't make any sense."
"We Mistborn need not make sense. — Brandon Sanderson

Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it. — Brandon Sanderson

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. — Thomas W. Higginson

Oh, hey, kettle, I'm pot and wow, you're black." - Owen — Olivia Cunning

You've never heard of bagpipes?" Cody asked, sounding aghast. "They're as Scottish as kilts and red armpit hair!"
"Um . . . yuck?" I said.
"That's it." Cody said. "Steelheart has to fall so we can get back to educating children properly. This is an offense against the dignity of my motherland."
"Great," Prof said. "I'm glad we now have proper motivation. — Brandon Sanderson

She was meant to be his destruction ... A pawn played in a perilous game between father and son ... Yet, her strength was more than either man could imagine.As Maddy learns to save herself ... She becomes the one thing that could set the son free — M.S. Willis

You have no idea how engrossing such a profession may become. Just as the blacksmith says: 'By hammer and hand all Art doth stand,' just as the baker thinks that all the solar system revolves around his morning delivery of rolls, as the postmaster-general believes that he alone is the preserver of society - and surely, surely, these delusions are necessary to keep us going. — Ford Madox Ford

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book. — E.W. Howe

You own your own island?
Doesn't every Greek tycoon? — Lynne Graham

But some jokes are hilarious until they become true and they're not so funny anymore. — Jonathan Dunne

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.
"Oops," Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.
"Oops?" Connor shouted. "You blew up half the town. — Mark A. Cooper

Everybody! This is my cousin right here, and he just dethroned God's gift to Women - Griffin — S.C. Stephens

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous."
"Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous."
"Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously.
"There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it."
"I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion. — David Eddings

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. — Babe Ruth

Q: When did you realize you wanted to be a writer?
A: I hate this question, because the answer makes me look like a jerk. The answer exposes me as a jerk. But here it is: the first time I read Twilight, I thought to myself, "If this chick can write a book, then you can!"
One day, Stephanie Meyer is going to give me a bloody nose. I accept that like I accept that I will one day get wrinkles.
To Stephanie Meyer: Could you come at me from the right side?
That side of my face could use adjusting ... — Anna Banks

MIC5.2 But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is to be ruler in Israel; whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting. — Anonymous

Most people are idiots. There's nothing worse than idiots who tell you their opinions. — Richard Kadrey

Come on sweetheart, wet your whistle, my little inanimate hussy." ~Steve — Lucian Bane

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.
"And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.
Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees. — Brandon Sanderson

My mom used to get arrested for being with my dad. She would get fined. She would spend weekends in jail. — Trevor Noah

All souls have a body. — Lailah Gifty Akita

Diana, would you marry someone for money?" I asked her out of the blue one afternoon during her lunch break. Without missing a beat, she made a contemplative noise. "It depends.How much money?"
It was right then I knew I'd called the wrong person. I should have dialed Oscar, my slightly younger brother, instead. He'd always been wise beyond his years. Diana...not so much.
I only told her the partial truth. "What if someone bought you a house?"
She "hmmed" and then "hmmed" a little more. "A nice house?"
"It wouldn't be a mansion, you greedy whore, but I'm not talking about a dump or anything either." I figured at least. — Mariana Zapata

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?"
"I've always had it. — Marie Landry

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family]. — Jim Gaffigan

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee. — Brandon Sanderson

It was so fast. So fast. One minute she was reaching, reaching, almost touching the center of ecstasy itself. The next she was convulsing with something so hot with throbbing pleasure that it was almost pain. An inhuman cry tore out of her throat as she went up like a Chinese rocket and exploded into a million flaming pieces of pure joy. — Diana Palmer

Nicolas Morganti had stalked back into her life, stamped his foot, and demanded to stay. — Michele De Winton

If men were angels, there would be no need of government. — James Madison