Hilarious Comedian Quotes & Sayings

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. — John Oliver

You're so hilarious. You know, if this whole Daimon-slaying gig doesn't work out for you, you should really consider being a comedian. The bright Barney hair color would just add to the overall entertainment factor. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

It's been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that's what he did. — Louis C.K.

I'm actually a Type 1 diabetic, so growing up, I had to eat pretty healthy. — Derek Theler

Acting is the great love of my life. It gives you permission to use all parts of yourself. Permission to be the hero, the love interest, the comedian, the villain. Transformation excites me. So does truth. Nothing is more thrilling, hilarious, and tragic than the truth. Those things motivated me to become an actor. Also, they always have the best food on set. — Blake Griffin

'Wrecking Ball' is a great song. — Dolly Parton

Watching them you'd almost think that a firefly winks out of existence, then comes back to life, vanishes again, returns. That when it's not lit, it's not there at all.
But it is. — Marie Rutkoski

He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically.
"Green grass breaks through snow.
Artemis pleads for my help.
I am so cool."
He grinned at us, waiting for applause.
"That last line was four syllables." Artemis said.
Apollo frowned. "Was it?"
"Yes. What about I am so bigheaded?"
"No, no, that's six syllable, hhhm." He started muttering to himself.
Zoe Nightshade turned to us. "Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I'd had to hear one more poem that started with, There once was a godess from Sparta-"
"I've got it!" Apollo announced. "I am so awesome. That's five syllables!" He bowed, looking very pleased with himself. — Rick Riordan

Curran never does anything without a reason," he said. "I was told you'd met him. Perhaps you indirectly challenged him at that meeting."
Indirectly? I had challenged him deliberately. — Ilona Andrews

I really have shaken hands with where my voice is right now. I think it's got a little deeper; it's got some more grooves in it. — Emmylou Harris

Bayaweaver Home offering the sizes of the flats in different-2 sizes like 1263-1859 sq. feet. — Vivek

I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard. — Chelsea Handler

If you're in a street fight, you don't go after a man's ball sack. Respect the street code. — Martin Reed

I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline. — Lydia Lunch

That's one of the oldest tricks in the world, Adrien-with-an-e. — Josh Lanyon

The medium is the message because it is the medium that shapes and controls the search and form of human associations and action. — Marshall McLuhan