Quotes & Sayings About Hemorrhoids

The movies are celluloid hemorrhoids. No, worse: They're celluloid Bon Jovi. — Kyle Smith

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids and asteroids called asteroids? Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way around? But if that was true, then a proctologist would be an astronaut. — Robert Schimmel

One poll showed that Americans have a higher opinion of witches, the IRS and hemorrhoids than Congress — Tom Coburn

It would be an idyllic tropical paradise if not for the malaria, the insects, the constant diarrhea and resulting hemorrhoids, and the fact that the people are dirty and smell bad and eat each other and use human heads for decoration. — Neal Stephenson

(Sakaki and Osaka lying on towels at the beach)

...

Osaka: You know them Hemmorrhoids...

Sakaki: ...Eh? =-O

Osaka: Some folks call 'em "Hemorrhoids", but others call 'em "Roids".

Why does the one not have an "H" in it? Which one's right?

Sakaki: ......

Osaka: Would it be under "H" or "R" in the dictionary?

Sakaki: ...I don't know. =/ — Kiyohiko Azuma

I saw a sign one time that said 'hemorrhoids awareness week' at the doctor's office. Let me tell you, if you got hemorrhoids, I'm sure you are aware of it. You don't need a sign to tell anybody about it. — Larry The Cable Guy

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids. — Rodney Dangerfield

Maybe I should add some graffiti to spice it up. For a good time call the Consort. Beast Lord eats your food and turns into a lion in his sleep. Mahon has hemorrhoids. Boudas do it better. Warning, paranoid attack jaguar on the prowl ... — Ilona Andrews

My son never eats baloney. He says the stuff in baloney will kill you. I say when? I've got cataracts, high blood pressure, enlarged prostate, skin cancer, hemorrhoids, an artificial hip, false teeth, and gas. Every day I take eleven different pills and a stool softener. And now I'm supposed to worry about baloney. — Janet Evanovich

He once told me the difference, as he saw it, between an author and a writer. An author (he said) is what they put on your passport, because in Europe they think a writer is a newspaperman. An author is somebody who get his name on the spine of leather-bound volumes that are never read; a writer is someone who gets hemorrhoids from sitting on his ass all his life ... writing. — Harlan Ellison

Throwing up was no big deal. It was a lot less painful than hemorrhoids or tooth decay, and more refined than diarrhea — Haruki Murakami

This was supposedly an Honors American History class, for seniors only. What deep, dark secrets of American History needed to be kept from younger minds? Were they going to talk about Washington's VD? Lincoln's warts? Roosevelt's hemorrhoids? — Melodie Starkey

When I first started out, I was considered a crackpot. The doctors used to say, Don't go to that Jack LaLanne, you'll get hemorrhoids, you won't get an erection, you women will look like men, you athletes will get muscle-bound
this is what I had to go through. — Jack LaLanne

We were in danger of having our eyes poked out on a daily basis, and we looked straight hair dead in the eye by not eating our bread crusts. This was also before they found a cure for getting overheated.
We also faced getting hemorrhoids from sitting on the cold cement wall in front of the school, having permanently crossed eyes from making faces, and getting pinworms from playing with kids whose parents and addresses we didn't know. — Diane Laney Fitzpatrick

The fourth [meal pack] is "Survived Something That Should Have Killed Me" because some fucking thing will happen, I just know it. I don't know what it'll be, but it'll happen. The rover will break down, or I'll come down with fatal hemorrhoids, or I'll run into hostile Martians, or some shit. When I do (if I live), I get to eat that meal pack. — Andy Weir

To whatever extent the Hell's Angels may or may be latent sadomasochists or repressed homosexuals is to me
after nearly a year in the constant company of outlaw motorcyclists
almost entirely irrelevant. There are literary critics who insist that Ernest Hemingway was a tortured queer and that Mark Twain was haunted to the end of his days by a penchant for interracial buggery. It is a good way to stir up a tempest in the academic quarterlies, but it won't change a word of what either man wrote, nor alter the impact of their work on the world they were writing about. Perhaps Manolete was a hoof fetishist, or suffered from terrible hemorrhoids as a result of long nights in Spanish horn parlors ... but he was a great matador, and it is hard to see how any amount of Freudian theorizing can have the slightest effect on the reality of the thing he did best. — Hunter S. Thompson

Sir, this lane is for ten items or less. I'm counting thirteen items in your cart, including that hemorrhoid cream. And while hemorrhoids might give you a reason to be nasty, they don't give you a reason to be in this lane. — J.A. Konrath

Awards are like hemorrhoids. Sooner or later every asshole gets one. — Francois Ozon

Hemorrhoids can bleed, typically after a bowel movement, producing blood-streaked stool or toilet paper, .. The blood may turn water in the toilet bowl red. However, the amount of blood is usually small, and hemorrhoids rarely lead to severe blood loss or anemia. — Alfred The Great

The one who swallows cactuses with spines should not complain about hemorrhoids. — Etgar Keret

Hemorrhoids Go big or go home! That was my mental response to childbirth. You want me to push? Okay, awesome. I'm going to push so hard that I not only eject this baby from me, but I'm also going to turn my butthole inside out. When I explained the issue to my OB, she insisted hemorrhoids were totally normal, and if they didn't go away, I could get a quick surgery to correct them, a suggestion that I met with a resounding "Nope!" I had already spent a month in elementary school sitting on a blowup pillow, and I'm not pulling my pants down as an adult to have surgery in my butt. So, here I am, five years out from my last birth and sitting in my chair a quarter of an inch taller. — Brittany Gibbons

People that hurt or annoy you are irritants, like hemorrhoids...they eventually become assholes — Terry Robertson

In a perfectly designed world - one with no history - we would not have to suffer everything from hemorrhoids to cancer. — Neil Shubin

(Dixie from Slices These Yankees are like hemorrhoids, but at least in Alabama when they come down, they eventually go on back up. — D.B. Woodling

Hemorrhoids. Cockroaches. Anal warts. Lonely nights. Smoking's ravages. AIDS. All the ads promised relief from these things, but where was the relief from these ads? — George Dawes Green

Suck my hemorrhoids! — Brian K. Vaughan

I eased into my chair like a ninety-year-old with hemorrhoids. — Al Macy