Hedberg Quotes & Sayings

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret. — Mitch Hedberg

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" — Mitch Hedberg

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there. — Mitch Hedberg

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction. — Mitch Hedberg

People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. — Mitch Hedberg

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. — Mitch Hedberg

One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like' — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable. — Mitch Hedberg

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly. — Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps — Mitch Hedberg

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly ... — Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

I played golf ... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying ... — Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. — Mitch Hedberg

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something. — Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. — Mitch Hedberg

I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" — Mitch Hedberg

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ... Do you have individually wrapped cashews' — Mitch Hedberg

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. — Mitch Hedberg

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved. — Mitch Hedberg

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled! — Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum. — Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. — Mitch Hedberg

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?" — Mitch Hedberg

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular." — Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! — Mitch Hedberg

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" — Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. — Mitch Hedberg

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" — Mitch Hedberg

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket. — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff. — Mitch Hedberg

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick. — Mitch Hedberg

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. — Mitch Hedberg

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all. — Mitch Hedberg

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. — Mitch Hedberg

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong. — Mitch Hedberg

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate. — Mitch Hedberg

That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing. — Mitch Hedberg

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" — Mitch Hedberg

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations. — Mitch Hedberg

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!" — Mitch Hedberg

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. — Mitch Hedberg

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. — Mitch Hedberg

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." — Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. — Mitch Hedberg

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious. — Mitch Hedberg

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident! — Mitch Hedberg

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were! — Mitch Hedberg

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" — Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. — Mitch Hedberg

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!" — Mitch Hedberg

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. — Mitch Hedberg

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. — Mitch Hedberg

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me. — Mitch Hedberg

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets." — Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away. — Mitch Hedberg

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" — Mitch Hedberg

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. — Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up. — Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. — Mitch Hedberg

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy." — Mitch Hedberg

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" — Mitch Hedberg

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. — Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. — Mitch Hedberg

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next! — Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. — Mitch Hedberg

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!" — Mitch Hedberg

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once ... so I can make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah." — Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. — Mitch Hedberg

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!" — Mitch Hedberg

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. — Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. — Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. — Mitch Hedberg

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner." — Mitch Hedberg

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me." — Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' — Mitch Hedberg

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. — Mitch Hedberg

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns. — Mitch Hedberg

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. — Mitch Hedberg

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break. — Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen. — Mitch Hedberg

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened. — Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. — Mitch Hedberg

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music ... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around I cannot open the wall I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat. — Mitch Hedberg

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky! — Mitch Hedberg

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! — Mitch Hedberg

Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too! — Mitch Hedberg

Then let's print up some flyers! — Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. — Mitch Hedberg