Hearne Quotes & Sayings

Oh noes, kitteh haz major angriez!" I said. I turned around to share a laugh with my companions and found them glaring at me. "What?" I asked.
Leif shook a finger and said in a low, menacing tone, "If you tell me I have to talk like an illiterate halfwit to fit into this society, I will punch you."
"And I'll pull out your goatee," Gunnar added.
"Lolcat iz new happeh wai 2 talk," I explained to them. "U doan haz 2 be kitteh 2 speek it. — Kevin Hearne

Why are you taking your breasts away?"
-Dane "Cernunnos" Hearne — Katie MacAlister

What are you so pleased about?"
"I only drink a little at a time, like half a cup ever four or five months, to maintain my current age. Half a cup has a mild laxative effect."
"What kind of effect?"
"Laxative. It means it loosens the bowels."
"Half a cup has ... But you just had me drink a whole pot!"
"That's why I brought you the shovel ... — Kevin Hearne

How can one freeze and put their hands above their head at the same time? Do they teach cops to shout contradictory instructions at suspects at the academy for some sinister purpose? If I obeyed one cop, did the other cop get to shoot me for resisting arrest? — Kevin Hearne

Hence the reason I encourage you to believe what you wish. The heaven of teh Pastafarians is supposed to have beer volcanoes, which sounds like a fantastic idea to me. Imagine eruptions of a mellow chocolaty stout. There might be all-you-can-eat hot wings."~Atticus — Kevin Hearne

I think "The Boondock Saints", because the Irish guys win. Plus the cat ends badly. It affirms my worldview and I feel validated. — Kevin Hearne

Aw, no. You're taking us to that vegetarian place,
aren't you?
It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian.
Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions. — Kevin Hearne

There are many perks to living for twenty-one centuries, and foremost among them is bearing witness to the rare birth of genius. It invariably goes like this: Someone shrugs off the weight of his cultural traditions, ignores the baleful stares of authority, and does something his countrymen think to be completely batshit insane. Of those, Galileo was my personal favorite. Van Gogh comes in second, but he really was batshit insane. — Kevin Hearne

Americans say all men created equal. These words very good. Make men feel special. They know is not true, not really, but they always say is true, and they point to these words and say, Ideas like this make us strong. They turn mouse into bear. They turn dog into bear. Everything can become strong like bear if you think with American brains. But if everything is bear, what do bears eat? Americans — Kevin Hearne

Thunder gods don't hide."
The Russian shrugged. "I am not like Thor. I have Russian depth of character. And I like to help people, not hurt them. Usually I help with vodka. You want some? — Kevin Hearne

I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on. — Kevin Hearne

When he said to give him the sword, I don't think he meant for you to stick it in his guts. — Kevin Hearne

It was one of those decisions you make when you have too much testosterone bubbling around in your system, or when you've been raised in a culture of ridiculous machismo, as I was. — Kevin Hearne

I think life is like a ham bone if you live it right. You enjoy it and then you bury it when you're finished. If you don't enjoy it and let it go to waste you still have to bury it, so you might as well savor everything you can. — Kevin Hearne

Behind me, I heard my apprentice growl, All your base are belong to us, Niko. — Kevin Hearne

Celibacy is a terrible idea, adhered to by people who hate themselves and want everyone else to do the same. You should do what you want to do, you know. — Kevin Hearne

You should learn Polish and read Szymborska! — Kevin Hearne

It's a coffee place. You can't just automatically classify anything that isn't a steak house as vegetarian.
Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert heir own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient fast as mere opinions. — Kevin Hearne

Archdruid used to say. "Get out of the way, get underneath some shelter, or give it some reason to change its mind about falling on you." Then he threw a pissed-off rooster at me. I had — Kevin Hearne

Leif stared at me, utterly still, the way only vampires and pet rocks can manage. — Kevin Hearne

You must be thinking of stories from other cultures. Irish women tend to kick ass and do whatever they want. For exhibits A, B, and C, I give you the Morrigan, Brighid, and Flidais.
Fair enough. So who's the god of cooking among the Tuatha De Danann?
I don't think there is one.
So the ancient Irish had a god of brewing but not cooking?
We had our priorities straight. — Kevin Hearne

For now, bread and mead call us, appetites whetted, to witness what I have been nursing, encased in iron, licked by flame, and tended with relish. — Kevin Hearne

I am light and free and my path ahead is smooth and wide through a land of burgeoning promise. — Kevin Hearne

Atticus:I found it difficult not to grin like a geek at a Trekkie convention. — Kevin Hearne

Morrigan "What are guilt ferrets:"
Atticus "They're bastards. They cling to your neck and tickle and bite and generally make you miserable, which is a pretty good trick for a metaphor."
They were also impervious to logic, perhaps their most diabolical power. — Kevin Hearne

The universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility. You — Kevin Hearne

What's a fracking Cylon? — Kevin Hearne

Trees are always the cure for your modern bollocks. — Kevin Hearne

Oberon "Holy revelations Druidman! She's on to us!"
Atticus "Gods below, I think you're right! Quick, to the Geekmobile! — Kevin Hearne

I don't speak Otter, ya dumbass. What are ya waitin' for? Get over here so we can get back to the rez. Unless I'm talkin' to a real otter, in which case I'm the dumbass and you can just stay over there. I — Kevin Hearne

Gods blast it, I was asking ye where you shite in the city, not where I should do it! — Kevin Hearne

All right. I do not think she will attack, though. She is a nice inhuman." "You mean nonhuman. Inhuman is an adjective," I said, as I rose from the lawn and padded softly around the left side of the house to the backyard. "Hey, I'm not a native speaker. Give me a break. — Kevin Hearne

Defend the honor of your arse-munching couch. — Kevin Hearne

You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first? — Kevin Hearne

We don't need to play her witch's games. They always want to get you and your little dog, too." "I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz." "Toto didn't deserve that kind of trauma. He was so tiny. — Kevin Hearne

That's it," Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. "I'm getting back on the wagon and I'm never getting off again. Oh, Jesus, look at that."
"I'm looking," Jesus said. Flanagan flicked an annoyed glance at him — Kevin Hearne

The wind and the grass and something in the sky, sun, or moon, shining on our backs as we run: They are gifts that humans toss away like socks on Christmas morning, because we see them every day and don't think of them as gifts anymore. But new socks are always better than old socks. And the wind and grass and sky, I think, are better seen with new eyes than jaded ones. I hope my eyes will never grow old. — Kevin Hearne

I know that when ye think o' love you're supposed to think o' kissy faces and scented soap and hummin' happy songs together, but there's another vital part to it that people rarely admit to themselves: We want somebody to rescue us from other people. From talking to them, I mean, or from the burden of giving a damn about what they say. We don't want to be polite and stifle our farts, now, do we? We want to let 'em rip and we want to be with someone who won't care if we do, who will love us regardless and fart right back besides. — Kevin Hearne

Manannan's door-cum-portal — Kevin Hearne

Brighid's eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan's red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. "No, you foolish mortal," I'd say as my eyes glowed, "I ordered a nonfat latte. — Kevin Hearne

You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what that means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes have glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator. Sophie and the six crewmen might have understood — Kevin Hearne

Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet! Oberon — Kevin Hearne

Cunning is better than running. — Kevin Hearne

Vampires inspire screams, not squees. — Kevin Hearne

Never thought I'd see a jaguar brought to its knees by rhino shit. Oberon — Kevin Hearne

I have been around long enough to discount most superstitions for what they are: I was around when many of them began to take root, after all. But one superstition to which I happen to subscribe is that bad juju comes in threes. The saying in my time was, "Storm clouds are thrice cursed," but I can't talk like that and expect people to believe I'm a twenty-one year-old American. I have to say things like, "Shit happens, man. — Kevin Hearne

The future is a many-forked path," she said, "and only you can choose which one to follow." "I know that. What I don't know is what waits at the end of those paths." "Victory or death. Choose well. — Kevin Hearne

It's best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia."
{Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.} — Kevin Hearne

The garden of sarcasm is watered with impatience, and mine chose that moment to bloom. — Kevin Hearne

How can I be assured the apple you bring me is Idunn's?
Well, it'll be golden, for one thing, and after you take a bite of it you should feel pretty fucking good. — Kevin Hearne

Silly cop, I don't need your help; I have a werewolf on retainer. — Kevin Hearne

My first time in Madagascar was awesome because lemurs are kind of funny; they throw fruit at the back of your head when you're not looking and then point at one another when you turn around. — Kevin Hearne

Where are we going?
I don't know yet.
Anyplace is good, so long as there's sausage and bitches. — Kevin Hearne

It quickly became a tracking operation, though. My chariot could not keep up with his truck. By the time I caught up with him, his truck was parked in one of those asphalt wastelands. What are they called again"?
The Tuatha De Danann have no problem asking Druids for information. That's what we're for, after all. The secret to becoming an Old Druid instead of a dead Druid is to betray nary a hint of condescension when answering even the simplest questions.
"They are called parking lots," I replied.
"Ah, yes, thank you. He came out of a building called 'Crussh', holding one of these potions. Are you familar with the building, Druid?"
"I belive that is a smoothie bar in England."
"Quite right. So after I killed him and stowed his body next to the doe, I sampled his smooth concoction in the parking lot and found it to be quite delicious".
See, sentences like that are why I nurture a healthy fear of the Tuatha De Danann. — Kevin Hearne

Helgarson won't tell me, but it must have been bad. His fangs pop out if you just say 'Thor' aloud, and he hunts carpenters simply because they use hammers. — Kevin Hearne

I Keep a Wholesome Table."
Manannan Mac Lir — Kevin Hearne

He could focus my attention on how perfectly sublime life can be at times. Such moments are ephemeral, and without his guidance I might have missed many of them, working so hard to get somewhere that I would fail to recognize when I had arrived. — Kevin Hearne

I sighed. You can go harass the construction workers if you want. I even give you permission to sniff their asses. Oberon stopped panting and pricked up his ears at me. Sure, why not? They're construction workers. They'll tease one another about it, especially if you sneeze afterward. But if you startle them, they might knock you upside the head, so watch out. Oberon levered himself off the ground, his tail wagging. — Kevin Hearne

I wasn't ready for a fight. But as I drew even with Oberon and put a calming hand on the back of his neck, the blood drained from my face when I saw a lone figure limping toward us across the dry red rock. It looked like a little old lady, and she could not have been more out of place; it was like watching Elmo ride in to the Sturgis biker rally in South Dakota. Granuaile — Kevin Hearne

An Druides be, thanne answere me: whos love in Eire is moste fyn and fre?" Herne
"whether in bedde or in feeld do ye meet, Flidais awaiteth your limbes to greet." Atticus — Kevin Hearne

The smallest sprout shows there is really no death, / And if ever there was it led forward life ... / All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses, / And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier. — Kevin Hearne

Frank Herbert said that Fear is the mind-killer. He was a wise man. — Kevin Hearne

Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete! — Kevin Hearne

The ladies in the beer commercials were hot, no doubt, but when a goddess wants to make an effort, no one else can even open the jar of mustard, let alone cut it. — Kevin Hearne

One cannot sass me with impunity. — Kevin Hearne

Granuaile looked terminally depressed when she emerged from the bathroom with raven hair and, as a result rather Goth by accident. She didn't want to get her picture taken.
"Aughh!" she said miserably, looking in the vanity mirror in the truck of the cab and fingering a wavy curl near her temple. "This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. You know what we look like? A couple of emo douche bags."
"Well, look at the bright side, Granuaile. Emo Douche Bags would be a great band name."
[That's brilliant! It's already the unofficial name of more bands than I can count.] — Kevin Hearne

Filled with a new sense of purpose, I downed half my coffee at one draught. It was good, strong stuff, the kind that Louis L'Amour used to say could float a horseshoe. Nobody ever drank weak coffee in his books. It was probably why they were so anxious to shoot people at high noon. — Kevin Hearne

It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant. — Kevin Hearne

I suspect that many of us, if given the chance to make one person in our lives love us more, would have no trouble in choosing where to point a finger. We are all needy, all vulnerable, all terrified that perhaps that person has an excellent reason to withhold affection. We shape our purposes to make ourselves worthy and often do not see until much later how it was love - or perhaps the lack of it - that both picked us up and dropped us off at crossroads. — Kevin Hearne

This guy is pretty slick, Atticus. What else do you think he has in his pockets? Maybe a thick salami for me?> I almost dropped the goblets. Gods, Oberon, it's a good thing no one can hear you. It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay? Especially this guy. Laughter bubbled forth from Jesus as he poured two generous shots for us. "I like your hound, Siodhachan." He turned his head a bit to address him. "Hello, Oberon. I can hear what you say as well, and I tell you truly, I have nothing against salami itself. It is best to know when to keep your salami in your pants and when to pull it out, however, and even my priests have had some difficulty with that issue. Fortunately for us, there is little doubt regarding the right course of action in this situation." He pulled a long soppressata from the same pocket that had produced the goblets. — Kevin Hearne

Jesus ... It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name. — Kevin Hearne

Pain fades, but freedom is an enduring joy. — Kevin Hearne

She'd made life poignant for the Irish. The terror she inspired gave peace its serenity; the pain she caused gave health its lustre; her failure to love made me grateful for my ability to do so, and I realized, far too late, that though I never did or could have loved her as she might have wished, I should have loved her more. — Kevin Hearne

DENON IS AN ECUMENOPOLIS like Coruscant, — Kevin Hearne

Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?"
"Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon."
"What's a frakkin' Cylon?"
"I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent. — Kevin Hearne

Sometimes I forget what I look like and I do something out of character, such as sing shepherd tunes in Aramaic while I'm waiting in line at Starbucks, but the nice bit about living in urban America is that people tend to either ignore eccentrics or move to the suburbs to escape them. — Kevin Hearne

In Battle, as in charity, it is better to give than to receive. — Kevin Hearne

I should like to take this opportunity to name you Sherlock and point out that there is no shit. — Kevin Hearne

Being immortal did not make me invincible. Look at what the Bacchants did to that poor Orpheus fella. — Kevin Hearne

This guy is an epic douche. Kick his shiny ass, Atticus, Oberon said.
I compartmentalized his comment and resolved to enjoy it later. I glared at this would be usurper and said in my most authoritative voice, "Aenghus Og, you have broken Druidic law by killing the land around us and opening a gate to hell, unleashing demons on this plane. I judge you guilty and sentence you to death."
Amen, Atticus! Testify! — Kevin Hearne

Luke Skywalker, hero of the Battle of Yavin, has cast his lot with the rebels, lending his formidable piloting skills to whatever missions his leaders assign him. But he is haunted by his all-too-brief lessons with Obi-Wan Kenobi and the growing certainty that mastery of the Force will be his path to victory over the Empire. — Kevin Hearne

Underneath their human guises, they looked like the typical faery - that is, no wings, scantily clad and kind of man-pretty like Orlando Bloom's Legolas ... — Kevin Hearne

I just shook hands with a naked goddess. What was that she called you? She-ya-han? Does that mean dumbass in Old Irish or something? — Kevin Hearne

Now place yourself in the shoes of Clifford Runoalds, another African American victim of the Hearne drug bust.2 You returned home to Bryan, Texas, to attend the funeral of your eighteen-month-old daughter. Before the funeral services begin, the police show up and handcuff you. You beg the officers to let you take one last look at your daughter before she is buried. The police refuse. You are told by prosecutors that you are needed to testify against one of the defendants in a recent drug bust. You deny witnessing any drug transaction; you don't know what they are talking about. Because of your refusal to cooperate, you are indicted on felony charges. After a month of being held in jail, the charges against you are dropped. You are technically free, but as a result of your arrest and period of incarceration, you lose your job, your apartment, your furniture, and your car. Not to mention the chance to say good-bye to your baby girl. This is the War on Drugs. The — Michelle Alexander

My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor. — Kevin Hearne

She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion. — Kevin Hearne

And we can seek therapy or religion to provide us relief like balm on chafed skin, but that's denying our own power to heal ourselves and trying to silence old pain with new opiates. — Kevin Hearne

He was a god of rock. He nearly solved all the world's problems with nothing but power chords and anguished cries into a microphone. — Kevin Hearne

I turned my back on Coyote without saying another word. He didn't want to know what I was going to do with those granny panties. Surprisingly, Granuaile did. "Sensei, what were you going to do with those marshmallows and panties?" she whispered as we walked together. "I mean, I'm sure it had to be dire, but it just didn't sound as threatening as the potential havoc a monkey could wreak on his sack." "There was more to that recipe," I admitted. "He cut me off before I could get to the Icy Hot and the gopher snake." "Ew. What would you do with that?" "I will leave it to you as an exercise." I — Kevin Hearne

King Arthur's story was pulled almost entirely out of Geoffrey of Monmouth's ass. There were about six hundred fifty years separating the events themselves and the first written account of them that survived to the modern day. Plenty of time to screw everything up and fabricate large portions of it. What — Kevin Hearne

Come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon — Kevin Hearne

What Sherlock does is train his mind to remember details, access them as needed, and then spy the hidden pattern in them. It's like spotting animals in clouds: The vapor's the same for everyone, but sometimes you're the only person who can see what's floating there, because you have the proper angle and the imagination to see it. And that's the magic of Sherlock Holmes - his talent for synthesis and discovery. Anyone can train the mind to absorb and recall; — Kevin Hearne

I still didn't know quite what the witches were capable of. The threshold could be booby-trapped or enchanted. I could be walking into a cage fight with a demon. Hell, she could open the door with a Glock 9 in her hand and put a bullet in my ear, or throw a cat at me, or call me a damn hippie. — Kevin Hearne

That was the attraction of the sirens: not promises of power or riches, but bewildering, tantalizing prophecies that made men leap from their ships to go ask the crazy bitches what the fuck they were talking about. — Kevin Hearne

No worries, Atticus. I will snarf surreptitiously. And I should get bacon, because my adverb was two syllables longer than yours, plus a bonus for alliteration."
I grinned. "It's a deal. You're the best hound ever. — Kevin Hearne

Gibbering case of Oh, Shit! I believe that's a bona fide psychological term; if it isn't, it should be. — Kevin Hearne

We saw Leif to the door and wished him farewell. Time to hit the hay for the last time in this old house, I told my hound as I closed the door on the vampire. All right, buddy. What'll it be? — Kevin Hearne

I find the college children delightful. I would like to have a drink with them too." "No, Leif, you want to drink of them, and they can sense that subconsciously because you radiate this predatory aura. — Kevin Hearne

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say."
"I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'"
"Well, yeah, that too."
Oberon said. — Kevin Hearne

Bullshit, as you Americans say.
He's Irish.
The Irish say bullshit too. — Kevin Hearne