Harvard Lampoon Quotes & Sayings

It suddenly occurred to me that, after all that frolicking in the meadows, he hadn't kissed me. Was it because of the mold that grew in my sinuses? — The Harvard Lampoon

Germs contagious, contagious alert!
But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt! — The Harvard Lampoon

Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane. — The Harvard Lampoon

Suddenly I blurted out. I love you more than everything in the entire galaxy combined into one potent, delicious piece of gum! — The Harvard Lampoon

So, Belle, what's new today?"
Dad," I said, grasping his hands and looking directly into his eyes. "I'm in the deepest love that has ever occurred in the history of the world."
Gosh, Belle. When someone asks you 'What's new?' the correct answer is 'Not much'. Besides, isn't it a little soon to cut yourself off from the rest of your peers, depending on a boyfriend to satisfy your social needs as opposed to making friends? Imagine what would happen if something forced that boy to leave! I'm imagining pages and pages would happen - with nothing but the names of the months on them. — The Harvard Lampoon

The parody is the last refuge of the frustrated writer. Parodies are what you write when you are associate editor of the Harvard Lampoon. The greater the work of literature, the easier the parody. The step up from writing parodies is writing on the wall above the urinal. — Ernest Hemingway,

He made small talk on the way about how he was abandoned as a child and will only rest easy once he is avenged. His name was Tom. — The Harvard Lampoon

I typed in a single word: Vampre. Google asked, 'Did you mean vampire?' I said, 'Yes. — The Harvard Lampoon

I had recently come into the possession of a Thesaurus. You would not believe how many words there are! When I opened that book, I was like, whoa! Word party! — The Harvard Lampoon

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly. — The Harvard Lampoon

I love you, Prin,' I say.
'Just shut up. — The Harvard Lampoon

I decided to use 'Frown Power.' This is where you socially deter people from being bigoted by frowning at their ignorant remarks. — The Harvard Lampoon

The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay. — The Harvard Lampoon

I'll have AB positive', I told Josh when he returned from the dance floor, 'What's it made of? Apples and Bananas?'
-Belle Goose — The Harvard Lampoon

You're lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man ... he was trying to sell you a Sega product. — The Harvard Lampoon

I want to leave all my friends and the sunlight for a small, rainy town. — The Harvard Lampoon

Nice one, Catpiss,' he says. That's not my real name. My name is actually Kantkiss. Kantkiss Neverclean. — The Harvard Lampoon

I took the one letter he had for us. It was from the Switchblade Gas & Electric Company. I didn't know I had admirers there too, but I wasn't that surprised. I threw it in the trash with the IRS's love letters and closed the door without reply. — The Harvard Lampoon

The next day was wonderful...and terrible. So, overall, I guess it was okay. — The Harvard Lampoon

Then, suddenly, I remembered the accident, and Edwart's snow-proof body, and his eyes that changed from I-don't-remember to green, and I knew. — The Harvard Lampoon

And don't trouble yourself too much if you don't laugh at what you are about to read, for if you perk up your pink little ear, you may hear the silvery tinkling of merriment in the air, far, far away ... It's us, buster. Ching! — The Harvard Lampoon

We began to butterfly kiss, which is when you touch your eyelashes to the other person's skin. I was going to respect Edwart's desire to wait, and he was going to respect my desire for winged creatures. — The Harvard Lampoon

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him
which I assumed was wildly out of his control
that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me. — The Harvard Lampoon

When guys gnash their teeth and knit their brows in a broody, furious expression, it means they have found their soulmate. — The Harvard Lampoon

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's; GI Joes and their combat ho's; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their fire hose ... If you ask me, a 'masquerade' theme isn't flattering for anyones features, nor does it define the apppropriate gender roles very clearly. — The Harvard Lampoon

They all got really quiet and started to lick their lips, closing in on Lucy. I started to lick my lips, too, because it's one of those subconcious, contagious things like sneezing, but then I stopped because it just isn't worth it if you forgot to bring ChapStick. — The Harvard Lampoon

I looked over at Edwart. It occurred to me that I had never seen him in direct sunlight. Interestingly enough, I had also never seen him sparkle. Could the two be related? — The Harvard Lampoon

How about we walk back? Through the cemetery?' One thing my mom had taught me is that it's difficult to refuse requests made in italics. — The Harvard Lampoon

I balked. Another vampire? I guess it made sense; the states of the Pacific Northwest were known for their lenient monster laws. — The Harvard Lampoon

You don't have to hide your natural inclination to boss me around. I want you to feel comfortable with me, Edwart. To the point of domination."
"Okay, okay." He took a deep breath and pointed at me. "You," he said stiffly, the words flowing straight from some primordial, bossy wordbank. "Come to the place where you want to go, which, hopefully, is my car, where I will be, God willing. — The Harvard Lampoon

Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. — The Harvard Lampoon

So all this time you thought I was a vampire?' Edwart whispered furiously, pulling me a few inches to the left.
'Sure,' I said, 'you know, the lion falls for the lamb ... '
'What?'
'Sorry. It's easier for me if I explain things in animal terms. — The Harvard Lampoon

As soon as we were inside, Edwart's family rushed to greet me. What seemed like thirty people circled me, chattering away.
"Oh my god, you smell good."
"Good smell, good smell."
"(she really does smell good.)"
"do you mind if I put my nose right on you? Right on your arm?"
"More smelly smelly please."
"If I could destroy every part of my brain except the part that smelled your smell, I would do it. I would do it in a second."
"Let's go, Belle," Edwart whispered and grabbed my hand. We pushed through the ravenous vampires nad out the front door.
"So that went well!" I said outside in the U-HAUL. I sniffed my hair. I did smell good.
"No, no, that wasn't my house," Edwart said, starting the truck. "I don't even know those people! Sometimes I get addresses confused. — The Harvard Lampoon

I had a dejected, brooding expression on my face, and I
could tell from the reflection in the window that it was also
an intriguing expression. — The Harvard Lampoon

All of a sudden, he began to laugh. Had I said something funny? Had he? How long had I been spacing out for, slowly growing conscious that my fate was in the hands of a group of college kids who'd kill me off just for a laugh.
Little did they realize that I was organizing a revolt. — The Harvard Lampoon

Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison tats.
"Go into the nearest dark alley," I recalled Jimbo saying. "Freeze like a rabbit or the creature you desire your attacker to mistake you for. If your attacker shouts out to you, respond politely - maybe your optimism will change his mind. If you're about to get into an elevator with a man you feel uncomfortable spending time with in a small, escapeless room, head right in. Remember , fear i an irrational emotion, you should probably ignore it."
Armed with these tips, I hung a right into the nearest dead-end, curled into a ball and started rolling. — The Harvard Lampoon

After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross.
"Ironic, huh?" Edwart said.
"Why?" I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me.
"Because we're Jewish, of course
nonpracticing. — The Harvard Lampoon

And when I have to step in puddles, he lays himself down in the water so I can walk on his back to avoid getting wet. You know, normal friend stuff. — The Harvard Lampoon

I noticed there was garlic above the doorframe. Edwart held a stake in one hand and a 'Team Jacob' shirt in the other. — The Harvard Lampoon