Halpern Quotes & Sayings

On Furnishing One's Home
Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. — Justin Halpern

Hoffmeier furnishes a sophisticated fresh approach to the Biblical Exodus traditions filled with detailed Egyptological background, and utterly indispensable because of its basis in recent, and in many cases as yet unpublished, archaeological data. This is a virtual encyclopedia of the Exodus. — Baruch Halpern

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision. — Justin Halpern

I can't buy the idea that we're supposed to live and learn from horrible things. That somehow these things happen so we can grow as people — Julie Halpern

What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part. — Justin Halpern

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit. — Justin Halpern

On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony They're celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don't they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass? — Justin Halpern

If it is true that you are what you eat, it may just as accurately be said that you are what you listen to. STEVEN HALPERN — Anodea Judith

You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life. — Justin Halpern

After apparently being assured that Kalanick would hold the information in confidence, Halpern shared with Kalanick more detailed information, including the above slide. By 2008, after Halpern had shared even more information about the company with him, Halpern claims that Kalanick took the information to an investor meeting in Hawaii — Anonymous

The unasked-for gift of being with people at the end of their lives...is a simple but profound appreciation of the here and now of life itself. — Sue Halpern

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself. — Justin Halpern

Char bought a pack of clove cigarettes, claiming they tasted good, to which I ask why doesn't she just go suck on a clove so I don't have to inhale her perfumed second hand smoke? — Julie Halpern

Cheating's not easy. You probably think it is, but it ain't. I bet you'd suck more at cheating than whatever it was you were trying to do legitimately. — Justin Halpern

On Packing My Own Lunch
You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit ... No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron. — Justin Halpern

...the reward for getting through life is getting life itself. — Sue Halpern

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom. — Justin Halpern

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important. — Justin Halpern

Ultimately, our obsession with celebrities isn't about them; it's about us and our needs. Many of us look at these people - who have glamour, beauty, wealth, and youth - and familiarize ourselves with them until they begin to feel like real people in our lives. We discuss them at work, in the park, and over dinner. We develop feelings for them. We love them, or hate them, or pity them, or profess not to care but secretly do. — Jake Halpern

Every time that I'm in the dark, I imagine what might be lurking in the shadows. It's kind of like a drug in that way - darkness seems to change the way I think - making me way more prone to fear. — Jake Halpern

It's difficult to write about poverty in a way that doesn't feel cliched. — Jake Halpern

Imagine having no chain of titles for cars, no VIN numbers, and no DMV. There'd be total chaos! But that's basically the system for debt. — Jake Halpern

Most of us, myself included, have forgotten what real darkness is like. We live in a world where light is inescapable. It comes from street lamps, headlights, security floodlights, and even the faint glow of our alarm clocks. — Jake Halpern

I hadn't gone to one dance in my entire high school
career. I was six foot tall and a hundred and twenty
pounds. When I danced, I looked like a praying mantis
on fire. — Justin Halpern

So love is possible at the Loony Bin. Or, at least, lust. — Julie Halpern

Welfare recipients are often perceived as getting money for doing nothing.13 However, decades of on-the-ground studies of welfare recipients have shown that the program has extracted at least a psychic price. — Sarah Halpern-Meekin

When I die, I die. I could give a shit, 'cause it ain't my problem. I'd just rather not shit my pants on the way there, — Justin Halpern

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid. — Justin Halpern

On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that. — Justin Halpern

You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house. — Justin Halpern

Deities can actually own property in India, though the law treats them as minors, and they must be represented by an official guardian. — Jake Halpern

Can we stop calling it a bucket list? Again: implied death," I
noted.
"I thought it meant all the things you can fi t into a bucket to do."
"Um, no, I think it means all the things you can do before you
kick the bucket. Which, actually, I think is an allusion to suicide, right?
Like, kicking the bucket out from under your feet while you hang.
Or maybe someone else is kicking out the bucket. — Julie Halpern

My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys. — Justin Halpern

My dad is awesome. — Justin Halpern

On the Television Show The X-Files So, the woman and the dopey-looking guy screw, and then they look for aliens - or they just screw and sometimes aliens follow them? — Justin Halpern

I know a flute player is technically called a "flautist," but something about it sounds a little sketchy, as does "pianist," so I will refrain. — Julie Halpern

What if I have bad breath?' I asked.
'Chew on some gum,' she said.
'What if I can't find his tongue?'
'Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.'
'What if he throws up in my mouth?'
'Um, that would just be gross. — Julie Halpern

On My First Driving Lesson First things first: A car has five gears. What is that smell? ... Okay, first thing before that first thing: Farting in a car that's not moving makes you an asshole. — Justin Halpern

Spinoza had argued that God, synonymous with nature, was immutable and eternal, leaving no room for chance. Agreeing with Spinoza, Einstein sought the invariant rules governing nature's mechanisms. He was absolutely determined to prove that the world was absolutely determined. — Paul Halpern

On Lego's
Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit. — Justin Halpern

On Yard Work
What are you doing with that rake? ... No, that is not raking ... What? Different styles of raking? No there is one style, and then there is bullshit. Guess which one you're doing. — Justin Halpern

In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people. — Justin Halpern

On the Baseball Steroids Scandal People are surprised Mark McGwire did steroids? Look at him! He looks like they should have him in a stall on display at the fair with some poor son of a bitch cleaning up his shit. — Justin Halpern

Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else. — Justin Halpern

On My Interest in Smoking Cigars You're not a cigar guy ... . Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you're jerking off a mouse. — Justin Halpern

[C]ritics of Canadian securities regulators sometimes point out that a number of high-profile US securities cases have resulted in prison sentences for the offenders, while incarceration for Canadian securities law violators seems very rare...[A]s has often been noted, incarceration is far more frequent in the United States for crimes of all kinds, yet it is not usually suggested that this is proof that the United States is generally a safer place to live than Canada. — Paul Halpern

I was interested in this relationship between the armed robber and the banker who were from different worlds but had similar goals. It was kind of a metaphor for this larger marriage of the banks selling off their debt and these street guys scrapping over it. — Jake Halpern

I'm gonna put a handful of condoms in the glove compartment of the car ... . I don't give a shit if you don't want to talk about this with me, I don't want to talk about this with you, either. You think I want you screwing in my car? No. But I'd much less rather have to pay for some kid you make because there ain't condoms in there. — Justin Halpern

Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb shit, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb shit we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper. — Justin Halpern

I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently. — Justin Halpern

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole. — Justin Halpern

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat? — Justin Halpern

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog. — Justin Halpern

So, how's it going? You seeing some art and history or you too busy trying to slap your pecker against anything with a wet spot?" "No, I saw some art. We spent like two hours in the Louvre." "Nice. Two thousand years of priceless works of art and you bust through it in two hours. Eat shit, da Vinci," he said. "Where you heading next? — Justin Halpern

Your friends' parents drive like assholes. Tell them it's an elementary school parking lot, not downtown fucking Manhattan. — Justin Halpern

On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed Oh, don't go to the goddamned cops. They're busy with real shit. I don't want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you're an asshole. — Justin Halpern

Still, the thought of the words "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" had me shaking and crying and unable to speak. What a statement. What a beautiful, unselfish, loving, trusting statement. — Adena Halpern

On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party ... What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard? ... Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears. — Justin Halpern

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower. — Justin Halpern

Sometimes its nice when people you love need you. — Justin Halpern

Is it the boiler room? Is this the part where we both fall asleep and Freddy comes after us? 'Cause I could so kick his ass. — Julie Halpern

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read. — Justin Halpern

Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife ... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon — Justin Halpern

So why didn't ABCP investors -- at least the large institutional investors -- have a better grasp of the uncertain nature of market disruption triggers as defined under Canadian-style liquidity? Probably because the contracts were not available for review to investors wishing to purchase ABCP -- yet another example of the lack of transparency surrounding the distribution and sale of this product. — Paul Halpern

All right. Here's the deal. You're eight," he said. "I'm nine," I said. "Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son. — Justin Halpern

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup — Justin Halpern

On Dealing with Bullies "You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." On — Justin Halpern

Though we are made of memories, we live only in the here and now. — Sue Halpern

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear. — Justin Halpern

There seem to be a lot of gay people there ... Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind. — Justin Halpern

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing ... . Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you. — Justin Halpern

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. — Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. — Justin Halpern

Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, "I have to have a Toyota Camry." But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. "It's pretty reliable," they think. "It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry. — Justin Halpern

I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken ... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it. — Justin Halpern

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball — Justin Halpern

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. — Justin Halpern

Trusting each other is the beginning of a certain secular faith, a faith that allows us to live in families and communities and nations. Democracy, above all other forms of government, requires this faith ... — Sue Halpern

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it. — Justin Halpern

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. — Justin Halpern

Rutherford showed how radio waves could travel long distances, penetrate walls, and magnetize iron. — Paul Halpern

Hindsight is of little value in the decision-making process. It distorts our memory for events that occurred at the time of the decision so that the actual consequence seems to have been a "foregone conclusion." Thus, it may be difficult to learn from our mistakes. — Diane F. Halpern

I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date. — Julie Halpern

That was my concept from the beginning - a crazy caper that's a parable for what happens in the absence of regulation. — Jake Halpern

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party. — Justin Halpern

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him. — Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching
and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. — Laurie Notaro

Accept what is, rather than forcing what you think should be. Emma — Leslie C Halpern

The actual evidence concerning the Exodus resembles the evidence for the unicorn. — Baruch Halpern

When they were all ready, Halpern again counted them in, and the lyrical clarinet line floated over the strings and, Max felt, out of the open window and on, out and out over the hot, dusty July city like summer rain. — Lucy Beckett

On Sharing
I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often. — Justin Halpern

I ran through the manuscript in the space of a day, much as one might pick compulsively at a box of chocolates. It was simply too provocative to put down. Has the potential of being highly influential inside the field and among an informed public. — Baruch Halpern

[A]lthough there are many arguments that strongly support the establishment of a national securities regulator in Canada, it is not entirely clear that the regulatory response to the ABCP meltdown is among them. — Paul Halpern

Democracy ain't so fun when it fucks you. — Justin Halpern

My bottom belly was gone! I'd contemplated having that thing sucked out many times, but if you've ever had a face-lift and a brow lift and felt the pain of that, it makes you pause before doing anything else too invasive. — Adena Halpern

After the meeting, Guay met with Verville for a debriefing. Guay reports that Verville said that all investors would have to roll to avoid a market collapse. Guay told Verville that on Monday, at the first chance to roll its maturing paper, the Caisse should not be the only investor rolling in a particular trust. If that happened, it would end up in a worse position than not rolling at all. — Paul Halpern

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes. — Justin Halpern

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face? ... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. — Justin Halpern

Just tell me how much money I have to give you to never leave this couch. — Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. — Justin Halpern