Great Funny Quotes & Sayings

The kidney was removed with great skill. We have an image of the kidney taken from that broadcast. Viewers are advised that the following image is quite graphic, and-"
"I am getting so sick of looking at this kidney," I said.
"It's a farce," Jazza replied. "They act like they're shocked and horrified, and then they show it off twenty times a day."
"Have you seen the singing kidney video?" I asked.
"Ugh. No."
"It's really funny. You should watch it. — Maureen Johnson

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... — Roberto Hogue

I don't drink anymore myself, I'm moving on. And that's not to say I won't drink again. I'm not making any promises, but I don't think I was a great drinker. Some folks are great drinkers; they drink and tell jokes and laugh their asses off, and they are funny as hell. We buried one of those last week. Life is just a big test, and if you try hard, you fail. If you don't try too hard and fail a little but have a good time, maybe that is success. — Neil Young

We might laugh at the notion of plastic tea sets in the jungle, but it is a time-honored ritual for Western travelers to collect preindustrial artifacts to use as home decorations...Possession of primitive artifacts suggests worldly knowledge, just as in the highland communities of Borneo an electronic wristwatch that plays "Happy Birthday" is the mark of a great traveler. Funny thing how travel can narrow the mind. — Eric Hansen

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy

Hey, he's not using a holster," I said, glancing at Alex's on the dresser. He laughed out loud. "Yeah, I guess he must want something shooting off. It'd be so great if these things were true to life - the next scene would show him at hospital like, clutching himself in agony."'Angel - L.A.Weatherly — L.A. Weatherly

You can only be funny if you have matters of great importance on your mind. — Kurt Vonnegut

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." — Rita Rudner

My dad would go to work every day and write in a room full of funny people. He enjoyed it. I know great writers who find the process agonising but to me, writing has always been sheer joy. — Joss Whedon

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!" — Jim Gaffigan

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? — Margaret Atwood

Broken Wind believed that we are traumatized as babies by intestinal gas or colic. The great shaman invented a technique called "gastral projection" to help release these traumas. His philosophy was simple: "To air is human ... but to really cut one loose is divine. — Swami Beyondananda

Some people are funny, and some people are not funny. Many people who are not funny can make a living at it. You don't have to be great to make a living at it. Just like a doctor who doesn't have to be great can still make a living out of it. — Woody Allen

My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died. — Norm MacDonald

Sir Henry fixed him with a keen eye.
'Odd name, Tom Skatt - eh?'
'Thats right'
'You don't think we could be related?'
Tom looked up at his great-great-great-uncle and smiled.
'I don't think so'
'No,' grinned Sir Henry no, of course not — Henry Chancellor

I am eternally grateful for my knack of finding in great books, some of them very funny books, reason enough to feel honored to be alive, no matter what else might be going on. — Kurt Vonnegut

My kind of wanting to be funny didn't come from need, necessarily. The closest I can analyze it is that it was an easy way to make friends, I found out. It was just a great kind of social tool. — Will Ferrell

If you're trying to scare me," I said, "it's working." "I can do a great deal more than scare you." Where do they get this stuff? "Um, if I thought all you could do was scare me, you couldn't scare me, if you see what I mean." "We'll see how funny you are in a little while." I was mildly curious about that myself. — Steven Brust

I don't know if I'm embarrassed because I think it's a funny show, but I could imagine there being a snootiness about it, but I do find 'The Big Bang Theory' very funny. I think that's a good show. I think it's fun, I like the actors; I think they're all doing a great job. — Stephen Merchant

It's funny, in some of the interviews I've seen that were done for the film, some people say things like, 'Oh, I was never a very big Jim Woodring fan. I've never thought his work was that great.' — Jim Woodring

A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He had learnt it at elementary school; at secondary school; at his sports club; at the Komsomol; at the university; at a folk dancing course; at the chess-club. — George Mikes

Marlee has said a million times, "Wouldn't it be funny if there was a camera trained on the two of us?" because we get involved in some very interesting situations. We'll be on a plane and she gets handed a Braille menu because they think she is blind, or producers that turn to the director of a show she's on and say, "Marlee Matlin is great, but is she going to be deaf for the whole show?" She used to freak people out with the speaker phone in her car by having me sign what they were saying on the speaker phone and then she would speak herself. — Jack Jason

'Now I've tasted chocolate I'm not going back'. That's a great line. That's not me, that's all the writing. I mean it's like it doesn't matter who plays it, it's a great role. It's such a funny, tongue in cheek kind of great role. — Amanda Bynes

I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motormouth of hers could
have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer — James Patterson

Prescott has her new ID. I'm glad she does, because it's a great way to cover her ass. And what an ass that is. Speaking of, she's been walking funny all day today, so I'm glad we spent most of it in the Beatmobile, heading north back to Stockton. I know she's sore from yesterday, and I should feel guilty, but honestly? Couldn't be more thrilled. She let me into her ass. That's like code for Ask me on a date or something. I — L.J. Shen

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi. — Denis Leary

I heard that people were really interested in the new haircut, which I think is so funny. Great haircut, I really like it. It goes great with the time period. And I was super, super, super-happy to have my bangs swept to the side rather than straight in front of me, which I dealt with for three seasons. I'm very, very much done with that. — Elisabeth Moss

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great. — John Cena

It's funny the things people say when someone dies.
He's in a better place.
How do you know that?
Life goes on.
That's supposed to comfort me? I'm excruciatingly aware that life goes on. It hurts every damned second. How lovely to know it's going to continue like this. Thank you for reminding me.
Time heals.
No, it doesn't. At best, time is the great leveler, sweeping us all into coffins. We find ways to distract ourselves from the pain. Time is neither scalpel nor bandage. It is indifferent. Scar tissue isn't a good thing. It's merely the wound's other face. — Karen Marie Moning

Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed. — Neil Gaiman

My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak up on you and then you listen again, and say: 'That's so funny.' John Prine's songs have always had this really witty tone. — Kacey Musgraves

Cher is really down-to-earth, very nurturing, incredibly funny and fun, a great storyteller, and creates a great environment on the set. — Steve Antin

Sweetheart, darling, dearest, it was funny to think that these endearments, which used to sound exceedingly sentimental in movies and books, now held great importance, simple but true verbal affirmations of how they felt for each other. They were words only the heart could hear and understand, words that could impart entire pentameter sonnets in their few, short syllables. — E.A. Bucchianeri

Greg: Scott, great horde.
My realization was that I could never *actually* live a life where I had to be constantly doing things like praising a dude's horde.
So that made me feel better about myself. — Jesse Andrews

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee. — Brandon Sanderson

I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed. — David Heyman

And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? 'All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.' That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. — George Carlin

I don't want to talk about it," she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. "At all," she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. "Ever," she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.
He had a really great mouth.
"I don't want to talk, either," that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her. — Jill Shalvis

Working with Dav Pilkey was a dream come true. Dav is incredibly funny, and he's been a hero of mine for a long time. It was great bringing the 'Wimpy Kid' and 'Captain Underpants' worlds together! — Jeff Kinney

Old Zen was very funny; there was a great deal of humor and happiness. Zen today seems much drier. While there's a certain amount of humor, it seems to lack that total intensity because humor is one of the primary tools for liberation. — Frederick Lenz

As your abilities begin to grow, your angelic side will start to manifest itself in more noticeable ways."
"My angelic side. Great. Like I don't have enough to deal with."
"It's not so bad," Mom says. "You'll learn to control it."
"I'll learn to control my hair? — Cynthia Hand

I thanked the lucky stars for my great metabolism, because Karsen had showed me pictures of her mom once and it was scary the transformation she underwent after popping three kids out. She went from a small, dainty beauty to a giant pineapple blob of a body. — Holly Hood

I already have two movies in the can, low-key, which are 'Vincent-N-Roxxy' and 'Keanu' with Key and Peele, which is my first comedy, and it's going to be super dope, definitely funny. They're so great, and they've been such life coaches to me. — Jason Mitchell

What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me.
"What do you mean, what happened?"
"I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name."
"I ... no, I didn't." Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts.
"The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened. — Kristi Cook

I don't want to die ... I don't want to die poor. Two great motivators in the history of human cultures. — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific Community! — Dave Barry

He caught her staring and smiled-not a conceited I-work-out-and-have-a-great-body type smirk, but more of a I'm-a-boy; you're-a-girl; life is good. — Cherise Sinclair

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building.
Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family. — Jim Benton

I'm a huge fan of 'Kung Fu Panda.' I honestly think that Jack Black's voice work in 'Kung Fu Panda' is the best voice work that's ever been done. He's so funny, and it's such an endearing character. It really is great. — John Requa

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit — Rodney Dangerfield

Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ... — E.A. Bucchianeri

One of the great leaders of America was Daniel Webster. That great bulging brow of his and those blazing eyes used to hold the Senate spellbound as he stood there and talked to them not with silly quips or funny remarks. The Senate in those days was not composed of half-baked comedians but of strong, noble statesmen who carried the weight of the nation on their shoulders. Someone said, "Mr. Webster, what do you consider the most serious thought that has ever entered your mind?" He said, "The most solemn thought that has ever entered my mind is the accountability to my Maker. — A.W. Tozer

Everyone's fascinated by twins - the bond between them, the way they communicate - "
"He yells 'Hey, stupid!' That's how Charlie communicates with me."
"Very funny. Come on, it's a great idea! And since I know you both so well, I won't feel weird interviewing you. It can be an in-depth, sensitive, soul-searching kind of thing."
"Charlie has no depth." Frowning, Emma considered the matter, then shook her head. "The soul part I'm not so sure about, but you can definitely rule out sensitive. — Richie Tankersley Cusick

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this. — Joel Klein

Mrs. Boffin, insisting that Bella should make tomorrow's expedition in the chariot, she went home in great grandeur. Mrs. Wilfer and Miss Lavinia had speculated much on the probabilities and improbabilities of her coming in this gorgeous state, and, on beholding the chariot from the window at which they were secreted to look out for it, agreed that it must be detained at the door as long as possible, for the mortification and confusion of the neighbours. — Charles Dickens

I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable. — Jimmy Fallon

Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise. — Gideon Defoe

You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks. I gotta go do my thing, and my jokes have got to be funny. Whatever I do has got to be great. — Jamie Foxx

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape. — Milton Berle

When I was in high school, there was 'Superbad' and 'The Girl Next Door' and 'Wedding Crashers' and all these great movies. You hope to be a part of something that's smart, funny and in that Todd Phillips-vein. You want to make something like 'Superbad.' That movie was so good and so funny. — Miles Teller

His obvious nervousness at seeing me made
me feel less nervous about seeing him, and I was glad for it.
"Sorry for just droppin' in unannounced,""I said, and gnawed on my lower lip.
Ryder shook his head. "No, no, it's more than fine. It's great actually. Really, really great."
"Ry," Alec said, and when I looked at him I saw him trying not to laugh. "You need to calm down."
"Calm? I am calm."
He so wasn't — L.A. Casey

Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women - we're all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn't matter, as long you're funny. — Sandra Bullock

To me, there's nothing funnier than funny people in peril, because it's just a great springboard for people to be at a heightened emotionality and things get funnier. — Paul Feig

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn." — Brian Regan

My main objective is to be professional but to kill him. — Mike Tyson

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.
I know this is troubling.
I too find it hard to believe there is a connection across time and space, linking me to a race of ill-mannered clowns.
Chimps. There's no excuse for them. — Katherine Applegate

As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great. — John Frusciante

Xavier would be such a great burger. He's all covered in spread ... — Robert Pattinson

That easy, confident grin returned. "Don't worry, it's easily forgotten."
"Well," I said huffily, "it shouldn't be that easily forgotten."
"Would you like it better if I say I'll eventually forget it but not without a great deal of struggle and torment?"
"Yes."
"Done. — Richelle Mead

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage. — Bob Hope

Please, I do not wish to be rescued by a gentleman. Could you find a farmer or a shopkeep - anyone not of the gentry - and then do me a great favor of forgetting you saw me? — Cindy Anstey

It's a very appropriate show to be doing around Halloween because it's very dark and mysterious. There are some great chorus scenes and some dark stuff and funny stuff as well. It's a really perfect balanced show in many regards. — James Marvel

Augustus Waters was the Mayor of the Secret City of Cancervania, and he is not replaceable", Isaac began.
"Other people will be able to tell you funny stories about Gus, because he was a funny guy, but let me tell you a serious one: A day after I got my eye cut out, Gus showed up at the hospital. I was blind and heartbroken and dind't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, 'I have wonderful news!' And I was like, 'I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now' and Gus said, 'This is wonderful news you want to hear' and I asked him, 'Fine, what is it?' and he said, 'You're going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet!'"
Isaac couldn't go on, or maybe that was all he had written. — John Green

It's great if you're funny or if you can dance, but if you are kind and decent, it comes out your pores. — Yvette Nicole Brown

A friend of mine from college is married to Neil Levy, who started on 'Saturday Night Live' in the early days and is a really great guy and funny writer. — Richard LaGravenese

Kylee laughed. "Nothing with you is normal. But speaking of abnormal, I saw this movie where these two girls liked the same boy, and one girl was a werewolf, and the other was a dragon, although she didn't know it yet, and it turned out the boy was a killer of, like, magical creatures, so both girls died and he took the head cheerleader to prom."
"That sounds like a stupid movie," I said.
"It actually was. But the boy had this shirt off a lot. I guess hunting magical creatures is great for stomach muscles. — Lindsey Leavitt

Although I have guitars all around and I pick themm up occasionally and write a tune and make a record, I don't really see myself as a musician. It may seem a funny thing to say. It's just like, I write lyrics amd I make up songs, but I'm not a great lyricist or songwriter or producer. It's when you put all these things together - that makes me. — George Harrison

I learned a great lesson early on, even before I was really an actor, from that movie 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles' that John Hughes made: that you could make a movie that's really, really, really, really funny, and sometimes you can still achieve ... making the audience feel very deep emotions as well. — Joel Edgerton

What he does not yet understand is that whatever makes a woman strong is the reason that certain men will love her, even if behind her strengths there hide great weaknesses. This he will learn from You. He will learn that You are bubbly, funny, and sweet only because You have all Your weaknesses. But by then it will be too late. — Francoise Sagan

What is he like?"
"Logan?"

"He is the kind of man you pray to be able to serve - he's like a great king from olden times."

"Who always does what's right," Andrian chimed in.

"Yes," Artem agreed. "He can always be counted on to make the best choice."

"And he normally does it, except where you're concerned." Crane cackled. "With you, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. — Mary Calmes

Nix and Emma: 'Looks like you just found a new talent.'
'Great. Why couldn't I be good at underwater origami or something? — Kresley Cole

Cram nailed his colours to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender — Ron Pickering

Popular culture has twisted it, but popular culture has twisted madness in general. They make it funny, they romanticize it, or they make it exaggerated. But true mental illness is nothing to laugh at. I stayed in the Birdcage for some time, I've seen scary things, and I've become numb to a great deal, but going mad is perhaps the scariest. — Wildbow

His utter helplessness at the sight of my tears leaked through his confident voice. It was almost funny that such a great warrior as Hasani was reduced to panic at the sight of a stupid tear or two. — Courtney Cole

I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-"
"Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked.
"Yeah."
"It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions."
Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box! — James Patterson

You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor. — Katie Nolan

It was because a great-looking man with no apparent mental defects found her attractive. Imagine feeling so buoyant over something so juvenile. — Maggie Shayne

People see my impressions as a great skill and I am flattered, but there are things I can't do that everyone else can. I can do funny voices and funny faces but I can't drive. — Matt Lucas

It was a long time ago: 'Angela's Ashes' by Frank McCourt. It was a great story that was lasting, and I loved it so much. I also love Nora Ephron. I gobble up everything she writes. Also, I love Anthony Bourdain, very irreverent and funny. — Isabel Gillies

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them. — Bertrand Russell

I think one of the basic tasks in life - one of the nice things we can do for each other - is to take things that are horrible and scary and make them acceptable and less frightening and, if possible, funny. It feels great to succeed at that. — Julia Sweeney

Turgenev was a very serious fellow but he could make me laugh because a truth first encountered can be very funny. When someone else's truth is the same as your truth, and he seems to be saying it just for you, that's great. — Charles Bukowski

Back in the '70s, like one of my favorite movies ever was 'The Bad News Bears', and that was a kids' movie, but I don't think of it that way. I think of it as just a great movie because Walter Matthau was so funny and so harsh with those kids. — Jack Black

You must be careful when you ask people whether they're happy; it's a question that can upset them a great deal. — Francois Lelord

It is difficult to be funny and great at the same time. Aristophanes and Moliere and Mark Twain must sit below Aristotle and Bossuet and Emerson. — Stephen Leacock

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick. — Nicole McKay

Who said anything about relationship? Besides, we're not required to share everything; it's not like we're married."
"You want to marry me?" Xavier asked, and I saw some faces turn toward us in curiosity. "I was thinking we'd start slow and see where things went, but hey, what the hell!"
I rolled my eyes. "Be quiet or I'll be forced to flick you."
"Ooh," he mocked. "The ultimate threat. I don't think I've ever been flicked before."
"Are you suggesting I can't hurt you?"
"On the contrary, I think you have the power to do great damage."
I looked at him quizzically and then blushed deeply when his meaning dawned.
"Very funny," I said curtly. — Alexandra Adornetto

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism. — Criss Jami

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg ... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. — Bill Bailey

Great, Alexia thought, I have gone from soul sucker to electrical ground. The epithets just get sweeter and sweeter. — Gail Carriger