Grammar Humor Quotes & Sayings

Why no s for two deer,
but an s for two monkeys?
Brother Quang says
no one knows.
So much for rules!
Whoever invented English should be bitten by a snake. — Thanhha Lai

I sutured split infinitives and hoisted dangling modifiers and wore out the seam of my best flannel skirt. — Amor Towles

If your a fly, fly away — Connor Smith

Most of these editors, as they call themselves, couldn't even effectively edit a haiku. — Frank Black

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before
and thus was the Empire forged. — Douglas Adams

The wall between writing and painting is just good grammar.

Moderation in moderation.

Fun is scary with a happy ending.

Just love. If love doesn't transform that which annoys you, it will be easier to tolerate. — Emily Thornton Calvo

Pleasanter surprise," he managed, backing us away from the threshold. There's the idea. I pushed him gently against the wall and started tugging on his shirt.
"About to get even pleasanter," I murmured against his neck as my fingers found the drawstring of his pants.Bad grammar is such a turn- on. — Diana Peterfreund

The process of editing a piece of writing seems sometimes a lot like natural selection. Your efforts never really eliminate the mistakes. You just cause them to evolve into a sneakier, more robust breed. — John A. Ashley

People who start a sentence with personally (and they're always women) ought to be thrown to the lions. It's a repulsive habit. — Georgette Heyer

Whom" may indeed be on the way out, but so is Venice, and we still like to go there. — Mary Norris

You may think that you don't need to worry about actually learning the grammar rules because spell check and grammar check will come to your rescue. And I get it: spell check and grammar check are great. Every time I spot a red or green line in my writing, I check it out, and many times, although I hate to admit it, I have made a mistake. But spell check and grammar check are like vodka: they are definitely helpful but shouldn't be solely relied on to solve our problems. — Jenny Baranick

Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek. — R. Curtis Venture

It is woven with the most powerful paradoxes in the Nine Worlds - Wi-Fi with no lag, a politician's sincerity, a printer that prints, healthy deep fried food, and an interesting grammar lecture!'
'Okay, yeah,' I admitted. 'Those things don't exist. — Rick Riordan

Those spineless types who talk about abolishing the apostrophe are missing the point. — Lynne Truss

Although I don't use it nearly so much anymore, I've decided, five years down the line, that Mr. Treadstone's verdict on 'kind of' was kind of unjust. Obviously, this phrase can be redundant or reductive, or just plain stupid in some sentences, but not in all sentences. I wouldn't, for example, use a sentence like 'Antarctica is kind of cold', or 'Hitler was kind of evil'. But sometimes, things aren't black and white. And sometimes 'kind of' expresses this better than any other phrase. For example, when I tell you that my mother was kind of peculiar, I can think of no better way of putting this. — Gavin Extence

Nothing could go wrong because nothing had ... I meant "nothing would." No - Then I quit trying to phrase it, realizing that if time travel ever became widespread, English grammar was going to have to add a whole new set of tenses to describe reflexive situations - conjugations that would make the French literary tenses and the Latin historical tenses look simple. — Robert A. Heinlein

And that was when I said 'Henry, the placement of the comma depends on whether 'I ate grandmother' or 'I ate, grandmother'. — Mia Castile

Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday. — Mark Twain

His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. — Jennifer Crusie

Those who can, do; those who can't, teach; those who can't teach, police grammar on the Internet. — Ruadhan J. McElroy

Why are they going to disappear him?'
I don't know.'
It doesn't make sense. It isn't even good grammar. — Joseph Heller

Thurber was asked by a correspondent: "Why did you have a comma in the sentence, 'After dinner, the men went into the living-room'?" And his answer was probably one of the loveliest things ever said about punctuation. "This particular comma," Thurber explained, "was Ross's way of giving the men time to push back their chairs and stand up. — Lynne Truss

The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar. — Michel De Montaigne

Cordelia glared at me. 'I expect if someone strapped you to table an swung an axe over your naked quivering flesh like The Pit and the Pendulum, you'd be correcting his grammar'. — Victoria Clayton

That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate. — Jim Butcher

Hey Kid
so proud of you. so is emily. we wish we could be there, but here's a fat check to make up for it but dont go spending it all out on booze. call you soon.
Love, the best big brother ever
and Emily and Marie, too.
I smiled. It was a mark of how much I loved my big brother that I found his lack of punctuation and proper grammar endearing. — Kody Keplinger

And while we're on the subject of ducks, which we plainly are, the story, 'The Ugly Duckling' ought be banned as the central character wasn't a duckling or he wouldn't have grown up into a swan. He was a cygnet. — Russell Brand

It is very useful, when one is young, to learn the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." If something happens literally, it actually happens; if something happens figuratively, it feels like it is happening.
If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance, it means you are leaping in the air because you are very happy. If you are figuratively jumping for joy, it means you are so happy that you could jump for joy, but are saving your energy for other matters. — Lemony Snicket

American grammar doesn't have the sturdiness of British grammar (a British advertising man with a proper education can make magazine copy for ribbed condoms sound like the Magna goddam Carta), but it has its own scruffy charm — Stephen King

This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional gramar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. — Christopher Moore

I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft" is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years. — Tina Fey

In grammar school he'd had an old priest as his religion teacher. "Truth is light," the priest had said one day.
Montalbano, never very studious, had been a mischievous pupil, always sitting in the last row.
"So that must mean that if everyone in the family tells the truth, they save on the electric bill. — Andrea Camilleri

Frankly, I wonder who Frank was, and why he has an adverb all to himself. — Jodi Picoult

Kim was more than a little inclined to snarl at him, but in the past few days she had learned that snarling at Mairelon did little good. He simply smiled and corrected her grammar. — Patricia C. Wrede

What had happened to the old Jack Grammar, the one who would have flubbed it somehow?
Well, I reasoned: I could still flub it. Let the flubbing begin! — Alex Bradley

Ill-fitting grammar are like ill-fitting shoes. You can get used to it for a bit, but then one day your toes fall off and you can't walk to the bathroom. — Jasper Fforde

Madame Bellwings, Memoir Elf Coordinator, was not at all pleased with this request, because elves who write the memoirs of teenage girls have the habit of returning to the magical realm with atrocious grammar. They can't seem to shake the phrases "watever" and "no way," and they insert the word like into so many sentences that the other elves start slapping them ... and for no apparent reason occasionally call out the name Edward Cullen. — Janette Rallison

I decided quickly that committing crimes against grammar was a hard limit for me. — Sophie Morgan

When taking Spock to see the spores, Leila comments, "It's not much further." having been beaten about the head severely on the difference between "further" and "farther," I believe I can say with some trembling confidence that she should say, "it's not much farther." "Further" means "to a greater extent or degree" whereas "farther" means "to a greater distance." (I know this is really picky, but hey, that's my business.) — Phil Farrand

...And somewhere along the line in my literary career, I discovered the differences between grammar and grandpa, and write from wrong. — Dan Adams

When spreading vicious and damaging gossip about the private affairs of others, one must always use proper grammar and posture. — Scott Rhine

I don't know anything but the simplest rules of English grammar, and I seldom consciously apply them. Nevertheless, I instinctively write correctly and, I like to think, in an interesting fashion. I know when something sounds right and when it doesn't, and I can tell the difference without hesitation, even when writing at breakneck speed. How do I do this? I haven't the faintest idea. — Isaac Asimov

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. — Ambrose Bierce

I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences. — Gertrude Stein

My, my, aren't we upper class and therefore faultlessly grammatical. — Sharon Green

I escape disaster by writing a poem with a joke in it:
The past, present, and future walk into a bar - it was tense. — Kelli Russell Agodon

Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds - way less easy than it sounds, by the way - I've become obsessed with my size, and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge."
"Your inner critic has terrible grammar."
"I know, it's the only way I can take away some of her power over me ... — Jen Lancaster

Stupid English."
"English isn't stupid," I say.
"Well, my English teacher is." He makes a face. "Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won't let me."
"Why not?"
"He says lunch isn't a subject."
I glance at him. "It isn't."
"Well," Jacob says, "it's not a predicate, either. Shouldn't he know that? — Jodi Picoult

I love you. You are the object of my affection and the object of my sentence. — Mignon Fogarty

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. — Lex Martin

I might not use capital letters. But I would definitely use an apostrophe ... and probably a period. I'm a huge fan of punctuation. — Rainbow Rowell

It is high time we turned to Grammar now," said Doctor Cornelius, in a loud voice. "Will your Royal Highness be pleased to open Pulverulentus Siccus at the fourth page of his 'Grammatical Garden or the Arbour of Accidence pleasantlie open'd to Tender Wits? — C.S. Lewis

#Twitter: proudly promoting ghastly grammar and silly misspelling since 2006. — E.A. Bucchianeri

We learned the seven traditional ways to make words unclear."
"Seven? That many? Which was the most effective?"
"Poor grammar skills. — Lita Burke

That Grace looked annoyed at me.
"I didn't say you would go to jail, Junie B.," she said. "I just wish you would say the word correctly, that's all. — Barbara Park

No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner. — Jenny Lawson

What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and thus precipitate the end of the world. Are they being alarmist? — Lynne Truss

If you can spell "Nietzsche" without Google, you deserve a cookie. — Lauren Leto