Good Colbert Quotes & Sayings

And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know
these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. — Stephen Colbert

Good satire goes beyond the specific point it's trying to make and teaches you how to think critically. Even after your favorite cartoonist retires or [Stephen] Colbert wraps it up, you're not left believing everything they're telling you. — Aaron McGruder

Those who would send out thousands of questionnaires asking the unconverted what they would desire most in a worship service should realize that ten thousand unanimous opinions of carnal men do not carry the authority of one jot or tittle of God's Word. — Paul Washer

I was asked to be on 'The Colbert Report' last year as Big Bird and Oscar. But when we got there, we discovered they wanted both characters on at the same time. Stephen Colbert didn't know one man plays them both. We called Joey Mazzarino, our head writer, who's a very good puppeteer as well. He agreed to zip over and do Oscar. — Caroll Spinney

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy. — Stephen Colbert

A lot of people have reunion things, but I think bands are supposed to break up. — Babatunde Adebimpe

At Pappachi's funeral, Mammachi cried and her contact lenses slid around in her eyes. Ammu told the twins that Mammachi was crying more because she was used to him than because she loved him. She was used to having him slouching around the pickle factory, and was used to being beaten from time to time. Ammu said that human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kinds of things they could get used to. You only had to look around you, Ammu said, to see that beatings with brass vases were the least of them. — Arundhati Roy

You are what you love. No? You are, completely and only, what you would die for without, as you say, the thinking twice. — David Foster Wallace

The more people you contact, the higher your sales will be because of the law of probabilities. — Brian Tracy

My secret love, Billy Colbert, had to make up the same test.
Afterward, we left the chemistry lab together. 'Well, it was long,' Billy said, 'but it wasn't hard.'
'I thought it was long *and* hard,' I replied.
'Oh, cut it out, Rachel,' Billy remonstrated. 'If there's one thing I can't stand, it's brains who pretend they suffer just as much as the rest of us.'
'I'm not a brain in chemistry,' I protested. 'If I get good grades in science or math, it's because I work. You're the brain in chemistry. I hate that word, brain, anyway. Everyone has a brain, and they're all about the same size, even a moron's. — Barbara Cohen

I am highly variable in my devotion. From a doctrinal point of view or a dogmatic point of view or a strictly Catholic adherent point of view, I'm first to say that I talk a good game, but I don't know how good I am about it in practice. — Stephen Colbert

A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're seeking $100 billion. Here's the good news: The government has responded what I believe is an appropriate counteroffer: A two-cent Navajo stamp. — Stephen Colbert

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat. — Stephen Colbert

Life is always struggle with eternal forces. — Eino Leino

Every day we touch what is wrong, and, as a result, we are becoming less and less healthy. That is why we have to learn to practice touching what is not wrong - inside us and around us. When we get in touch with our eyes, our heart, our liver, our breathing, and our non-toothache and really enjoy them, we see that the conditions for peace and happiness are already present. — Nhat Hanh

I don't give a fuck about whatever fucking rules you have. That was you that you just gave me. I wanted it, you gave it, I took it and I'm not fucking giving it back. — Kristen Ashley

I do love my country. I don't think I'm particularly a good American. I don't know what makes a good American. Other than somebody who - I like people who let other people alone. I think that's a pretty good American. And I keep my hands to myself. So I'm an OK American. — Stephen Colbert

In a world divided by chimpophiles and bonobophiles, we all had a good laugh when Stephen peeled his banana. (62) — Frans De Waal

There was a ticking time bomb inside my head and the one person I trusted to go in and get it out hadn't shown up or spoken to me for more than a year. — Jim Butcher

We have this idea in our minds that there's this separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics - not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course there isn't. — Stephen Colbert

How was she ever going to feel new, clean and hopeful, with her ugly past stalking her? — Candace Calvert

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. — Stephen Colbert

Any artist who respects himself ought to be, and in every sense of the term, an emigre. — Witold Gombrowicz

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. — Stephen Colbert

While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad. — Stephen Colbert