Golf Humor Quotes & Sayings

A peaceful refuge in which to rediscover each other, we thought,, not realizing that, while golf and fishing are Scotland's most popular outdoor sports, gossip is the most popular indoor sport. — Diana Gabaldon

I have to admit," I said when he finished a lengthy discussion on the types of drivers, "I've been golfing and it's about the most boring thing I've ever done. Old men drive around in golf carts pretending they're sporty and getting grouchy if there's any noise. It's like the nursing-home Olympics."
Nick's mouth dropped open. "It takes great athletic ability to know how to aim and drive the ball that far."
"I get more exercise shopping at the mall," I joked. "I don't come home and tell everyone I won at shopping." Although those red shoes I got on sale the other day felt like a win. — Cindi Madsen

Forty minutes later, my hatred for field hockey was in full bloom, courtesy of Nikki. Whoever thought it was a good idea to combine Tag with wooden golf clubs and a rodent-size ball should be beaten senseless. — K.R. Conway

This is serious business, sex, violence, and rock and roll. — John Mellencamp

I played golf ... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying ... — Mitch Hedberg

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. — Gerald R. Ford

Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation. — Grantland Rice

What appear to be depravity, injury, or extinction are merely traces of memory and experience obscuring the soul. These are merely shadows of the soul, never its substance. The soul itself is always pure and whole. — Ilchi Lee

I don't get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can't understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field
court
to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in the air. I guess it's better than golf, but so is watching paint dry. — Carter Quinn

I hope that I serve by being a teacher. — Jenna Bush

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf. — Anthony Jeselnik

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. — Shawn Klomparens

In rich detail, Ken told us that on the second hole of the opening round, Hogan got stuck while standing over a putt. Hogan had the yips. "I can't take it back, Ken," Hogan said. "Nobody gives a shit, Ben," Ken said back. That bit of wise-guy humor was evidently all Hogan needed to hear: At age fifty-three and playing barely any tournament golf, he finished twelfth. Venturi finished three shots behind. Palmer was leading by seven with nine holes left and lost to Billy Casper in a playoff. Ken — Michael Bamberger

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time — Angelo Spagnolo

Think of the lotus of the heart, with petals downwards, and running through it, the Sushumna; take in the breath, and while throwing the breath out imagine that the lotus is turned with the petals upwards, and inside that lotus is an effulgent light. Meditate on that. — Swami Vivekananda

Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. — Amy Alcott

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it. — Ray Romano

In Chestnut Hill money didn't talk, but it drank, and played a lot of golf. — Alistair McHarg

Know a good thing when you have it, fight like hell to keep it, and love like it's the only thing you know how to do. — Melissa Andrea

Jaromil had always regarded the future as an awesome mystery. It comprised everything unknown, and for that reason it lured and terrified. It was the opposite of certainty, the opposite of home. — Milan Kundera

I'm an outgoing person when it comes to friends, but when it comes to being confident and sexy, the sexy word scares me. — Alexa Vega

He was awake enough to wonder if he'd been making bad decisions for his entire life. If he'd been a bad decision, himself, even before he was born. — Maggie Stiefvater

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-granduncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfibul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf was invented at the same moment. — J.R.R. Tolkien

I fuck old men for a living. Of course I golf. — Dolce

Audry Hepburn on the cover of The Nun's Story was staring up at me from my unmade bed. Her hair was hidden by her snow-white wimple; her big eyes looked frightened.
"What are you looking at?" I said. "Fuck you." It was the first time I'd ever said the word. I felt a brief shiver of power.
Then I sat back on the bed and sobbed. Dolores Price: Lady of Sorrow. — Wally Lamb

Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something. They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor. — Martin Sheen

With our minutes and days and decades, we build houses and savings accounts and busy calendars full of activity. And in some deeper way, we build our reputations and friendships and invest in our kids and careers. We are looking for this life to matter. No, we are actually looking for ourselves to matter. So we keep so busy, so distracted, so in love with everything but our invisible, patient, jealous God. Christ said, "So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:33). This covers literally everything. In essence, "Stop eating the flowers! Wake up — Jennie Allen

When a woman loves you she's not satisfied until she possesses your soul. Because she's weak, she has a rage for domination, and nothing less will satisfy her. — W. Somerset Maugham

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!" — Henny Youngman

Rockwood didn't have a movie theater or an IHOP or a strip mall. But it did have two churches, a ramshackle bar, and last (but certainly not least) Wacky Willie's Deluxe Goofy Golf, a barren landscape of wilted ferns and plastic flamingos with peeling paint. Wacky Willie had added the 'Deluxe' when finally ridding the thirteenth hole windmill of a stubborn family of bats after a great and terrible struggle that would forever be known as 'The Fearsome Bat War of Rockwood County' by Willie, but was usually referred to as 'That Time Willie Had to Get Rabies Shots' by everyone else. — A. Lee Martinez

I killed him with my niblick, said Celia.
I nodded. If the thing was to be done at all, it was unquestionably a niblick shot. — P.G. Wodehouse

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course. — Hank Aaron

How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course." One minute he'd been practicing his swing, and in the next - phzzt - a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him. — Cheryl Sterling

Jenny can still suck a golf ball through a garden hose and she guns my cock like a champ since she misplaced her false teeth! — Tara Sivec

Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not ... I'm a smartass. — Robyn Peterman

Fame is a lot of pressure, especially when you're responsible for your entire family. Financially, emotionally - everything. — Nick Carter

She says Ariel is going to interview me after she's done and he's going to ask me how many golf balls can fit into a stretch limo, and the right answer is to make reasonable estimates on the spot, maybe say, "It's probably like 100 golf balls high by 60 golf balls wide by 1,000 golf balls long," and to look like I'm thinking really hard, and then just do the math in my head and give him the answer. I ask, "Out of curiosity, what would a wrong answer be?" She says, "Freaking out about the question. — David Shapiro