God Humor Quotes & Sayings

He likes you," Miss Dove said, sounding surprised.
"Yes," Harry answered with an unhappy sigh. He had long ago accepted the fact that cats adored him. The reason, of course, was because both God and cats had the same perverse sense of humor. When the animal buried its claws in his thigh and began to knead with happy abandon, he set his jaw and bore it. "Mr. Pigeon? Rather fitting for you to choose that name, Miss Dove. Both birds, you know. — Laura Lee Guhrke

I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved! — Jerry Falwell

Clarity and focus doesn't always come from God or inspirational quotes. Usually, it takes your mother to slap the reality back into you. — Shannon L. Alder

There was some kind of X-men emergency, so all the teachers were gone. This happens every now and then. It's one of the perks of having super heroes for your teachers - when the world is about to end (which is like at least twice a month), school gets canceled. Heck, three weeks ago there was a big chemistry final for the upperclassmen. Beast was the teacher - he's this big, burly guy who can do acrobatic stuff like a monkey, but he also happens to be a super-genius. He's, like, legendary for his tough finals, so there were kids walking through the halls, going, Oh, God, please let Galactus try to eat the earth. Please please please let there be an alien invasion by the Skrulls! — Barry Lyga

After a murmur of general assent, Ariadne spoke up. "And oh my God, I have to pump my boobs. You guys, you don't even know. It's like having blue balls strapped to your chest!" After a horrified silence, the men practically ran screaming from the building. — Amy Lane

I'm not asking you to come reverently or unquestioningly; I'm not asking you to be politically correct or cast aside your sense of humor (please God you have one). This isn't a popularity contest, it's not the moral Olympics, and it's not church. But it's Writing, damn it, not washing the car or putting on eyeliner. If you can take it seriously, we can do business. If you can't or won't, it's time for you to close the book and do something else. Wash the car, maybe. — Stephen King

How do god fit him ass in them jeans when he is, in fact, Everywhere — Patricia Lockwood

If a dog doesn't put you first where are you both? In what relation? A dog needs God. It lives by your glances, your wishes. It even shares your humor. This happens about the fifth year. If it doesn't happen you are only keeping an animal. — Enid Bagnold

The joke of it all is that you are looking from your true nature right now without knowing it. If you would stop being fascinated with the contents of your mind, you would experience what I am saying. Feel your way into what I am saying rather than thinking about it. Only a self-concept looks and longs for God. Drop your self-concept and there is only God meeting God. Enlightenment is the restoration of cosmic humor. — Adyashanti

Supplementing the far, remote Glory-of-God expression in his face, the glory-of-doughnuts shone suddenly very warmly. — Eleanor Hallowell Abbott

What does one do when one needs to pray to the gods for patience but a god is causing the need for patience? — Kevin Hearne

A lifetime in the business had taught her that, apart from the few good people that work along-side you,nobody is to be trusted,ever,because sooner or later they'll let you down,sure as God made little green apples. And, when you came to think of it,hadn't that been the dirtiest trick of them all? — Tom Holt

Laughter is the hand of God on the shoulder of a troubled world. — Grady Nutt

I am Apollo," I announced. "You mortals have three choices: offer me tribute, flee, or be destroyed."
I wanted my words to echo through the alley, shake the towers of New York, and cause the skies to rain smoking ruin. None of that happened. On the word destroyed, my voice squeaked. — Rick Riordan

God's signs are not always the ones we look for. We learn in tragedy that his purposes are not always our own. Yet the prayers of private suffering, whether in our homes or in this great cathedral, are known and heard, and understood. — George W. Bush

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin

It comes down to this. Some one must wash the dishes. Now, would you expect man, man made in the image of God, to roll up his sleeves and wash the dishes? Why, it would be blasphemy. I know that I am but a rib and so I wash the dishes. — Marie Jenney Howe

Christians rejected the need for proof to support belief in God, yet dismissed proof altogether when it was there. — Kira Peikoff

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy. — Robert Fulghum

Laurie picks up a briefcase and places it on the table. He opens the lid and his head disappears under the top. Oh god. Is he about to introduce me to a cat of nine tails, or some bizarre tickling stick? Brace yourself Liz. Cate told you to always carry your pepper spray, you fool. — LeeAnn Whitaker

Mr. and Mrs. Wetherall's circle was so large that God was included in their visiting-list. — Edith Wharton

OMG. He's a gift shop, a lamb kebab with mint,/a solar panel poetry machine with biceps. He's the path/through the dark woods, the light on the page, a postcard/from the castle and a one-way ticket there. He's the most/astounding arrangement of molecules ever!/Just look at those tights! An honest-to-God prince at last. — Ron Koertge

Don't make me come down there.
- God — Keith Caserta

So that means that Peter ... " I swallowed. "That his full name was Peter Parker."
"Yeah"
I burst into tears. "Oh, my God! I killed Spiderman! — Michelle Rowen

Oh, my God, you smiled! Mr. American Frown actually smiled!"
"Must have been a mistake. I'll speak to someone about it. Won't happen again."
"Well, good. Because you could do your face and injury, just smiling like that. — Sophie Kinsella

He can read your mind without even knowing."
Dee's face went from pale to bright cherry. "Oh God."
"What?"
She smacked her hands over her face. "Well, the whole time we were downstairs, I was picturing him naked. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

As for me, I believe that if there's a God - and I am as neutral on the subject as is possible - then the most basic proof of His existence is black humor. What else explains it, that odd, reliable comfort that billows up at the worst moments, like a beautiful sunset woven out of the smoke over a bombed city. — Elizabeth McCracken

He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees. — Arthur Conan Doyle

Oh God! I wore granny panties today. I didn't think anyone would see them." She covers her eyes with her hand in embarrassment. — Gisele Walko

We what? Walk around the city seven times in seven days and blow our trumpets? Forgive me, my Commander, but what is that going to do, kill them with laughter?" The other commanders snickered. Joshua chose not to be angry. He thought it was rather silly himself. "Our god has quite a sense of humor, does he not? But nevertheless, he did tell me that is what we should do. So, unless you have a better idea than Yahweh, Salmon, I suggest we obey him and see his salvation." Salmon was duly chastised. "Forgive my offense, commander." Joshua said with a smile, "You are forgiven, Salmon. You are too good of a spy." Caleb was impressed with Joshua's temperament. His sense of holiness would normally be offended at remarks like that. Perhaps he was beginning to appreciate Yahweh's sense of humor after all. Joshua ended his remarks, "And remember, Commanders, avoid the home with the scarlet rope. Caleb and Salmon, you will be responsible for Rahab's deliverance. — Brian Godawa

Who do you want to turn into?" I mean the question to be mocking, but that's not how it comes out. I sound interested. I reach down and scratch my leg, trying to hid my embarrassment.
Bishop looks at me. "Someone honest. Someone who tries to do the right thing. Someone who follows his own heart, even if it disappoints people." He pauses. "Someone brave enough to be all those things."
A boy who doesn't want to lie, married to a girl who can't tell the truth. If there is a God, he has a sick sense of humor. — Amy Engel

Oh, God, I don't know what's more difficult, life or the English language. — Jonathan Ames

Oh God, it's her, run! — Simon R. Green

Moms are so hard to understand! They'll never allow us to go on diet for fitness but forcefully make us fast in the name of God!
~Swapna Rajput~ — Swapna Rajput

As Jack began to climb the stairs, Fiona looked up at her new home. Five stories of stately mansion
rose above her head. Heavy molding around the large windows and doors bespoke a quality and
craftsmanship that was obvious even in the dim night. "Good God! It's massive!"
Jack paused with his foot on the last step. "I do wish you'd keep those comments until we are in bed,
love. I would appreciate them all the more there. — Karen Hawkins

My name is Alexander Solomon Slade. I'm the Global Operations Director, although most here call me God"

"Well Mr Slade, if we are going by acronyms, I guess I could also call you Ass? — Jodi Knight

She walked to the front door. 'Hello?'
'Hello,' a woman's voice said.
'Are you a Witness?'
'I swear to God I didn't see a thing. — Anne Lamott

She reaches down into her bulging tote bag and pulls out a small plastic box with a hinged lid. It contains a round pill box with a threaded lid from which she tips out a vitamin pill, a fish-oil pill, and the enzyme tablet that lets her stomach digest milk. Inside the hinged plastic box she also carries packets of salt, pepper, horseradish, and hand-wipes, a doll size bottle of Tabasco sauce, chlorine pills for treating drinking water, Pepto-Bismol chews, and God knows what else. If you go to a concert, Bina has opera glasses. If you need to sit on the grass, she whips out a towel. Ant traps, a corkscrew, candles and matches, a dog muzzle, a penknife, a tiny aerosol can of freon, a magnifying glass - Landsman has seen everything come out of that overstuffed cowhide at one time or another. — Michael Chabon

Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, Voltaire was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with. — Christopher Hitchens

The preacher released a pent-up breath as he sagged in relief. "Thank God he's gone." His eyes narrowed at Alexander as he bit out, "Did you know that man had the nerve to lasso me while I was out in the woods? — Rose Wynters

God, I love a man with a big vocabulary. — Tiffany Reisz

Fine. Get everyone packed up and moved. For now, until we can have the ceremony at the next run, you're welcome in the pride." Deuce allowed his gaze to flick to his mate's mother and then back at Alex. "Yeah, even if she is a squirrel, she can join us. We'll just warn the pride that squirrels are now off their list o' munchables. They'll be pissed though. First rabbits, then foxes, and now squirrels. I swear to god, if anyone mates a deer, we're going to be in trouble. — Celia Kyle

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count! — Molly Harper

So I know you must have a plan and this wolf - "
"Beast," Min said.
" - frog, whatever, can't fit your plan."
"He's not a frog," Min said. "I kissed him and he did not turn into a prince."He turned into a god. No,
he didn't . "Look, I'm never going to see him again, so everybody can relax. — Jennifer Crusie

God displayed a sense of humor when he configured the region between our legs an entertainment complex built around a sewage system. — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

Can you imagine those poor bastards grappling their prey, leaping over the rails, swords in hand, screaming 'Your cats! Give us all your god-damned cats! — Scott Lynch

Gabriel cocked his head to the side. "Is that what happened in her last life too? You just accidentally
touched Scarlet enough to set the lifeforce transition into motion? God! How much touching did you
do?"
Tristan narrowed his eyes. "What do you want, like a scale of one to ten? — Chelsea Fine

God save King Pendragon,
May his reign long drag on,
God save the King.
Send him most gorious,
Great and uproarious,
Horrible and hoarious,
God save our King. — T.H. White

Theology, philosophy, metaphysics, and quantum physics are merely ways for God to have his smart people believe in him — Jeremy Aldana

My 'people skills' are 'rusty.' Pardon me but I have spent the last year as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. — Castiel

Oh, God, oh, God. A sense of humor. She'd thought the hardly-even-a-hint she'd caught of it a while back had been a one-off thing, but that was a joke he'd just made. An honest-to-God joke! She wanted to have his baby. — Susan Andersen

I don't accept the currently fashionable assertion that any view is automatically as worthy of respect as any equal and opposite view. My view is that the moon is made of rock. If someone says to me 'Well, you haven't been there, have you? You haven't seen it for yourself, so my view that it is made of Norwegian Beaver Cheese is equally valid' - then I can't even be bothered to argue. There is such a thing as the burden of proof, and in the case of god, as in the case of the composition of the moon, this has shifted radically. God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining. So I don't think that being convinced that there is no god is as irrational or arrogant a point of view as belief that there is. I don't think the matter calls for even-handedness at all. — Douglas Adams

There are four on whose pots the Holy One, blessed he, knocked, only to find them filled with piss, and these are they: Adam, Cain, the wicked Balaam, and Hezekiah.
Again, an abrupt transposition from the divine to the domestic, from upper to lowly spheres, occurs in the midrash. The homely image of the Holy One knocking on pots apparently derives from the practice of tapping on a clay or earthen pot to hear its ring in order to decide if it is worthy of holding wine. In current Hebrew usage, the expression 'to assess or gauge someone's pot' still denotes taking in the measure of a person's character. From Adam's answer to God, we learn that he turned out to be a pisspot. — Shuli Barzilai

God bless us, everyone," Smithback intoned. Margo punched him playfully. — Douglas Preston

My God," Hadrian said. "They finally did it! All those oh-so-cute-my-cuddly-kitten-here's-a-pic bastard! They finally went and did it! — Steven Erikson

If there's a vote taken as to which aspect of God I treasure the most, I'd say laughing. — Art Hochberg

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent — Tennessee Williams

Sure, some people are afraid of steroids. Some people were afraid of fire, too. Afraid of electricity, or of splitting the atom. But I know that the body I have now is far superior to the one I was born with. I, Jose Canseco, have changed my own destiny and become more than just an athletic superstar
I have become a superman. A god! — Jose Canseco

If I could tell you only one thing about my life it would be this: when I was seven years old the mailman ran over my had. As formative events go, nothing else comes close; my careening, zigzag existence, my wounded brain and faith in God, my collisions with joy and affliction, all of it has come, in one way or another, out of that moment on a summer morning when the left rear tire of a United States postal jeep ground my tiny head into the hot gravel of the San Carlos Apache Indian reservation. — Brady Udall

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey

Do you remember, Abelard ... Once I told you that ecstasy was better than being God."
"I remember."
"I was wrong, darling. Being God is better. — Bruce Sterling

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven. — Jerry Falwell

By journey's end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling "the void" with a husband like Hiram, a "treasure rich and undeserved." Having read his insufferable memoir, "A Residence of Twenty-one Years in the Sandwich Islands", all I can say is: I'm happy for her? — Sarah Vowell

To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition. — Woody Allen

You can't. He has it shielded. Besides, he's a god and can be a nasty one if you upset him. You try popping into any place where his beloved wife is and you'll get fried faster than chicken at KFC. He doesn't have a sense of humor when it comes to her. So wipe the frown off your face before you hurt her feelings and get gutted for it. (Phobos) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Did you say 'yes' to going out on a date with him?" Sally asked Jacque. "All I got to say is if she said no, she might not want to go to sleep tonight 'cause I'm going to dye her hair blonde to compliment her being a dumb ass," Jen told them. "Uh, Jen, you're a blonde," Jacque pointed out. "No, not really, God just got it wrong and it was too late to change it once He noticed. — Quinn Loftis

Logan: I don't care who you are or what you've done. Just tell me why you want to leave. Are you in love with this other man?
Maddy: Oh, no. It's not that, it's ... I promised God that I would go back home if you got well again.
Logan: That's not my idea of a good bargain, sweet. Besides, I wasn't consulted. — Lisa Kleypas

Is there a cookie at the end of this lecture? ... I got a cookie after all ... Dear god, the cookie was poisoned. — Ilona Andrews

The reason God never fails is because he fears to fail — Adelaja Precious

The children were overwhelmingly morbid. Not a single adult asked me where butterflies go when they die, but this question was more popular than pixie sticks with the under-four-foot set. I cursed parents for not preparing their children. When I was five, my mother and sister sat me up on the kitchen counter and explained the facts of life: the Easter Bunny didn't exist, Elijah was God's invisible friend, with any luck Nana would die soon, and if I ever saw a unicorn, I should kill it or catch it for cash. I turned out okay. — Sloane Crosley

Do you think Kinkade is Welland-Dowd? she wondered
Chase burst into laughter so booming that every head on the street rotated, startled.
Oh,God. She'd just understood when she'd said it aloud.
Welland-Dowd.
Well-endowed. — Julie Anne Long

Are you setting me up?"

"Dear God in heaven, no! She's sworn off relationships with men, so you're safe. Besides, I don't think anything permanent would work with you." She paused. "I was thinking more along the lines of a fling."

"Jesus Christ," Jake muttered, running a hand down his face. "You're pimping me out. — Ann Bruce

Cathy, this lamb of yours threatens like a bull!' he said. 'It is in danger of splitting its skull against my knuckles. By God! Mr. Linton, I'm mortally sorry that you are not worth knocking down! — Emily Bronte

We loved it. We loved how slow it was. We love that it took forever. Actually, we never wanted it to end. We loved the jungle, the rafts, the ridiculous armor and helmets ... I think most of all we loved that it didn't have a happy ending for anyone. The whole time we were sort of expecting that someone would survive because that's how stories work: Even if everything is a total disaster, someone lives to tell the tale. But not with Aguirre, the Wrath of God. Hell no. Everyone dies. That's awesome. — Jesse Andrews

As usual in such matters, God's sense of humor trumped all imagination. — Diana Gabaldon

I was interested in the mystical element of humor - was humor part of creation? Is God laughing at us, or with us? — Rebecca Miller

There's plenty of room for humor in politics, God knows, but it's a serious business. — Al Franken

Always, in Lincoln's mature theology, there is paradox. There is starting this, yet there is also tenderness; there is melancholy, yet there is also humor: there is moral law, yet there is also compassion. History is the scene of the working out God's justice, which we can never escape, but it is also the scene of the revelation of the everlasting mercy. — Elton Trueblood

He yawned again, this time very loudly, and lazily opened his eyes.
"I'm sorry I woke you up," she said quickly.
"Was I sleeping?"
She nodded.
"So there really is a God," he muttered. — Julia Quinn

I certainly didn't say while writing 'Gossip Girl,' 'Oh this is going to be big!' It was really like, 'Oh god, everyone's gong to hate these people! They're so bratty!' But I actually think what is so appealing about them is the humor in them. — Cecily Von Ziegesar

But if you eat this chap who's God,' said Llewelyn stoutly, 'how can it be horrible? If it's alright to eat God why is it horrible to eat Jim Whittle?'
'Because,' said Dymphna reasonably, ' if you eat God there's always plenty left. You can't eat God up because God just goes on and on and on and God can't ever be finished ... — Anthony Burgess

The beginning of forgiveness is often exhaustion. You're pooped; thank God. — Anne Lamott

There's a very generous donation in the parish's future if you make this fast. Ten minutes, at the most."
Frowning, the man fumbled open his liturgy. "There's an established rite, Your Grace. Marriage must be entered into with solemnity and consideration. I don't know that I can rush
"
"Ten minutes. One thousand guineas."
The liturgy snapped closed. "Then again, what do a few extra minutes signify to an eternal God?" He beckoned Amelia with a fluttering, papery hand. "Make haste, child. You're about to be married. — Tessa Dare

Of course, God's Moldovan. Otherwise why would he give me so much help?" Jan whispered.
Just then, a policeman walked up and fined him three hundred euros for who-knows-what, which the old timer coughed up so as not to lose his entire stash. Jan Realizes that God is not only Moldovan, but also in some sense Romanian, too. The contradiction resolved itself when Jan recalled the close blood ties between the two nations. — Vladimir Lorchenkov

Please, God, don't let Warren be cheap. I'm too young to discuss coupons. — Douglas Coupland

They ought to make it a binding clause that if you find God you get to keep Him. — Philip K. Dick

Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open.
She started stomping the floor.
"What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded.
"Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder. — J.D. Robb

I don't believe you really know God if you do not recognize His sense of humor. — Robert Breault

That friend of hers has got to go, though. You're lucky you got stuck with that Dexter guy instead of her.'

'Yeah, but that Dexter couldn't shut his piehole either,' Marlon says. 'I mean, Christ. Artists and writers - let them kill each other off in cage matches; let God sort 'em out. — Dexter Palmer

If you're going to make a science fiction movie, then have a hover craft chase, for God's sake. — Joss Whedon

Marilla felt more embarrassed than ever. She had intended to teach Anne the childish classic, "Now I lay me down to sleep." But she had, as I have told you, the glimmerings of a sense of humor
which is simply another name for a sense of the fitness of things; and it suddenly occurred to her that simple little prayer, sacred to the white-robed childhood lisping at motherly knees, was entirely unsuited to this freckled witch of a girl who knew and cared nothing about God's love, since she had never had it translated to her through the medium of human love. — L.M. Montgomery

Thank heaven I don't inherit God from anybody! I am free to make mine up as I wish Him. He's kind and sympathetic and imaginative and forgiving and understanding - and He has a sense of humor. — Jean Webster

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. — G.K. Chesterton

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. — Chuck Palahniuk

I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn't have a sense of humor I'm in big trouble! — Stanley Victor Paskavich

Oh God, unattractive and pompous. A winning combination. My inner control panel is screaming ABORT! ABORT! — Lauren Morrill

Scientists say that these things evolved this way over millions of years." He shook his head. "That's a bunch of bunk. I don't think an animal can just all-of-a-sudden decide it wants to make light grow out it's butt. What kind of nonsense is that? Animals don't make light." He pointed to the stars. "God does that. I don't know why or how, but I'm pretty sure it's not chance. It's not some haphazard thing he does in his spare time."
He looked at me, and his expression changed from one of wonder to seriousness, to absolute convicton. "Chase, I don't believe in chance." He held up the jar. "This is not chance, neither are the stars." ... "And neither are you. So, if your mind is telling you that God slipped up and might have made one giant mistake when it comes to you, you remember the firefly's butt. — Charles Martin

The humble woman is surprised by all the good that she sees around her rather than scandalized by what she cannot judge anyway. The humble woman is grateful for her successes but not disheartened by her failures. She enjoys her gifts and readily admits her mistakes. She maintains a sense of humor, whether the news from Wall Street is giddy or glum. She faces her character defects without getting discouraged. Her humble confidence in God's love and her enchantment with the kabod Yahweh shape a hedge of thorns against self-absorption and frees her for an unselfconscious presence to others. — Brennan Manning

We, Seth, Emperor of Azania, Chief of the Chiefs of Sakuyu, Lord of Wanda and Tyrant of the Seas, Bachelor of the Arts of Oxford University, being in this the twenty-fourth year of our life, summoned by the wisdom of Almighty God and the unanimous voice of our people to the throne of our ancestors, do hereby proclaim ... — Evelyn Waugh

The human sun god was a stomach-dropping, chest-popping, feet-sliding, shoulder-swaying, hip-rotating, flutter-inducing, liquid locomotive, and I was surrounded by women who couldn't wait to buy a ticket. — Colleen Houck