George Carlin Jokes Quotes & Sayings

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. — George Carlin

If persons in the untreated ... group die at any time in the study interval, they are reported ... In the treated group, however, deaths which occur before completion of the treatment are rejected from the data, since these patients do not then meet the criteria ... of the term 'treated'. The longer it takes for completion of the treatment, ... the worse the error ... — Hardin B. Jones

I have always been intrigued with singing and I actually started my career in musical comedies. — Janine Turner

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work. — Ellen DeGeneres

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes. — George Carlin

Incredible. It never ceases to amaze Starkey how far society will go to protect the children it loves and to discard the ones it doesn't. — Neal Shusterman

Everybody is different. Some comedy is more musical like Steven Wright. His is a pillar of comedy to me. He invented a whole form and all his jokes are poems. So it's different. I wanted to do it like George Carlin. Now I do it like me. — Louis C.K.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations. — George Carlin

I'd always known it, but having this, and losing it, made it even sweeter the second time around. — R.K. Lilley

Don't ever, ever, believe anyone who tells you that you can just get by, by doing the easiest thing possible. Because there's always somebody behind you who really wants to do what you're doing. And they're going to work harder than you if you're not working hard. — Maria Bartiromo

The Chinese state is constructed in an entirely different way from western states. Unlike European states, for over a millennium the Chinese state has not been obliged to compete for power with rivals such as the church, the aristocracy or merchants. — Martin Jacques

I care deeply about opportunity and fairness, because I grew up really poor. — L. Todd Rose

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
— Rascal Flatts

Ronald Isley is a musical genius. — R. Kelly

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. — Steven Wright

If all you do is talk crap, I'll just flush the toilet. — Behdad Sami

Religion is the organized attempt to understand spiritual experience, to interpret it with words and concepts, and to use this interpretation as the source of moral guidelines for the religious community. — Fritjof Capra

The distinction between the religious and secular orders is a fundamental aspect of Christianity. This distinction is an innovation compared to Islam and Judaism, and it is an advantage that has helped shape Europe. — Walter Kasper

And, like the great damned souls, I shall always feel that thinking is worth more than living. — Fernando Pessoa