Gay Joke Quotes & Sayings

You know, Goddie's been trying for years to turn me to the gay side," he says in a small, quiet mumble. "I was pretty sure that was never on the cards, until I met you. — K.C. Finn

GRANDMA: Are you a gay?
ORPHEUS: I am straight. I'm definitely dating a girl, gran. Do you think she's a man?
*She laughs*
ORPHEUS' BRAIN: Thank god she took it as a joke. I would have been executed on the town square for such a rude back answer. — Scarlett Brukett

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke ... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society. — Sam Kinison

Draw your line in the sand. Make your decision now and start taking action to really live your dream. By not taking bold steps to live your dream, not only are you missing out on fully living, but the world is missing out on the greatness you have to offer. Be bold! — Les Brown

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility, or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can't remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law, or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.
You see? If all you remember in years to come is the 'gay wizard' joke, I've come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step to self-improvement. — J.K. Rowling

Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, 'April Fools.' It wasn't his best joke. — Conan O'Brien

We have a choice in our lives. We can be content with where we are, or we can set goals and continue to push ourselves beyond our limits. I'm ready to keep doing that. I want to be the first person with cerebral palsy to climb the tallest free-standing mountain in the world. — Bonner Paddock

Look at him!" One of the girls beside me breathes enthusiastically to her friend.
"He's hot."
I stiffen. I'm sure they're not talking about Professor Collins.
"Must be Christian Grey."
"Is he single?"
I bristle.
"I don't think so," I murmur.
"Oh." Both girls look at me in surprise.
"I think he's gay," I mutter.
"What a shame," one of the girls groans. — E.L. James

It was very pleasurable and easy and it was nice to work with friends ... people I already knew, people I didn't know but I now count as friends. There is a lot of hard work that goes into the movie but I can't claim to have been any part of that. — Matt Lucas

I have written this book quicker than any other," she notes in her diary, "[and] it is all a joke; & yet gay & quick reading I think; a writers holiday. I feel more and more sure that I will never write a novel again — Virginia Woolf

The ring was there to say they were a team, a reminder that they were in this together, almost like a private joke only the two of them got. — K.A. Mitchell

Folks would discuss whether the Antichrist was already alive and, if so, which world leader it might be. — J.D. Vance

, and sometimes there's just no point in arguing with him. "Yeah, okay 'me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree ... '"
Chris claps his hands triumphantly. "That's right, baby!" Than a more serious expression comes across his face. "But, in a tree? Really? I mean, im a not an expert on the gay sex thing, but I think the first time at least you should be on the ground ... " And then the evening continues on as expected. — Kate Sherwood

Trevor cupped his hands around it, felt Zach's heartbeat throbbing between his palms. The skin of the shaft was textured, slightly rippled beneath the surface. The head was as smooth as satin, as rose petals. Trevor rubbed his thumb across it, squeezed gently, heard Zack suck air in through his teeth and moan as he let it out. He could see blood suffusing the tissue just beneath the translucent skin, a deep dusky rose delicately purpled at the edges, crowned with a single dewy pearl of come. It was as intimate, as raw as holding someone's heart in his hands. — Poppy Z. Brite

Yeah, a lot more than he likes you," said Oh. It didn't look like Milo appreciated the joke very much.
"That's debatable," said Milo.
"Is not," said Oh.
She leaned in and put her pink cast against my cheek, kissing me quickly on the lips.
"That's incredibly unfair. If we were gay you'd be up a creek without a paddle. You wouldn't even be in the game."
"He's right, you know," I said.
"Aw. You guys are having a bromance. That's really cute. — Patrick Carman

[Looking like a straight girl] means wearing clothes that seek and destroy comfort. These are garments designed by gay men to attract heterosexual men. The straight girl is simply the hanger for an inside joke. — Mary Dugger

I'm excited for the new crop of gay comics who have never been closeted, who never thought that they needed to put on a dress to tell a joke, and it's exciting. — Guy Branum

You act like a team player,you be nice to everyone for your entire life,then you die. — Stephan Pastis

To my deafness I'm accustomed, To my dentures I'm resigned, I can manage my bifocals, But Oh how I miss my mind. — Alec Douglas-Home

A story told me by Michael Barrie: Jesus and the Blessed Virgin go out to play golf. The Blessed Virgin is at the top of her form, drives and lands on the green. Jesus slices and lands in the bushes. A squirrel picks up the ball and runs off with it. A dog grab the squirrel, which still holds the ball in its mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the dog, squirrel and ball, and soars into the air. Out of a clear sky, lightning strikes the eagle, which drops the dog which drops the squirrel which drops the ball, right into the hole. The Blessed Virgin throws down her driver and exclaims indignantly, 'Look, are you going to play golf or just fuck around? — Christopher Isherwood

I think people could justify labeling me if they saw a pattern in what I do, but right now that's impossible. — Skeet Ulrich

Can I ask you something weird?" Dwayne inquired. "Does it pertain?" "Yes." "Fine, but hurry. I'm due in the agency in ten." "Don't speak till I finish," Dwayne said in a weary voice I'd never heard. "I am going to bite you. I will drink a very small amount of your blood so I can track you definitively. I don't trust my sense of smell enough where your life is concerned. You will then bite me and drink. You will find it disgusting, disturbing and possibly somewhat erotic, which is gross because you're straight and I'm gay, but you will do it. My blood will give you vampire strength. It's temporary, so don't freak. Let's do it." "Was all that a joke?" I stammered. "What? The straight and gay part?" He was confused. "Or the temporary part?" "All of it," I yelled. — Robyn Peterman

You're over there in the corner either thinking about the dead dog or whatever, you're bringing up your personal life and you need the space, and then somebody throws you a joke. Especially if it's an emotional scene, you don't want the joke. — Marcia Gay Harden

The proper effect of the Eucharist is the transformation of man into God. — Thomas Aquinas