Gay Humor Quotes & Sayings

Do you think she was gay before or after she started watching Xena?" the male squirrel asked. "That subtext works like a nasty termite. It undermines the structure of human females from within. — Blayne Cooper

Ouch. What is that?"
"Water, you wimp." Humor colored his tone and when I looked up, he was smirking again, but this time it was different. He was beaming, radiating - like he used to. — Shaye Evans

Why are you asking me? I'm seventeen and don't know anything about what to do when you're autistic and gay. — Claire LaZebnik

Damien has died and gone straight to gay boy heaven,' Shaunee said ... — P.C. Cast

Besides it's better to have Miyoshi around. You and me have a been together since Jr. High. Without her around people might think we're gay. — Tsugumi Ohba

She tried to keep in mind how scared and hurt Hunter was and decided to let him have that one. She chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not take it personally. Besides, she wasn't sure if she walked over there and slapped him, he wouldn't slap her back. Not only did Veil put an end to chivalry - and the dichotomous gender myth overall - but it was Hunter. When combining gay, irreverent, and unpredictable, chances were high that somewhere in the mix, slapping a woman wouldn't be unheard of. — Aaron Overfield

No good deed goes unpunished - Oscar Wilde — Allen Mack

Good-humor, gay spirits, are the liberators, the sure cure for spleen and melancholy. Deeper than tears, these irradiate the tophets with their glad heavens. Go laugh, vent the pits, transmuting imps into angels by the alchemy of smiles. The satans flee at the sight of these redeemers. — Amos Bronson Alcott

It was like when a midde-aged woman, happily married, found out that her favorite movie star was gay. It broke her heart just a litte to know that there wasn't even a chance in fantasyland for the two of them to ever touch. — Amy Lane

Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not. — Michael Ian Black

Outsiders develop humor as a defense; why do you think most comedians are gay or Jewish? — Paul Lynde

If you're a boy, any display of sensitivity is gay. Compassion is gay. Crying is supergay. Reading is usually gay. Certain songs and types of music are gay. 'Enola Gay' would certainly be thought gay. Love songs are gay. Love itself is incredibly gay, as are any other heartfelt emotions. Singing is gay, but chanting is not gay. Wanking contests are not gay. Neither is all-male cuddling during specially designated periods in football matches, or communal bathing thereafter. (I didn't invent the rules of gay - I'm just telling you what they are.) — Gavin Extence

When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit. — Roxane Gay

My Own Epitaph
Life's a jest, and all things show it.
I thought so once, and now I know it. — John Gay

It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh might do the cooking, and actually wear an apron while he's at it, but he also chops the firewood, repairs the hot-water heater, and could tear off my arm with no more effort than it takes to uproot a dandelion. — David Sedaris

Imagining the gods could hear him, Mycaela murmured to the well, "I wish I could find a man who'd take me away forever." He laughed softly. "But there are no stories about princes who wish for princes. — Ash Gray

I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. — Judy Garland

Good luck on your test."
"I'm gonna ace it for sure!" I said, rolling to Wesley's side of the
bed and pulling the sheet up.
"Don't I know it," he smiled, and then slapped the doorframe. "Oh
yeah. If Gus calls, just tell him I was balls-deep in your ass and that I'm
on my way now. — J.M. Colail

I closed my eyes and resigned myself to the fact that my boyfriend was a pervert. He was lucky he was so cute. — J.M. Colail

What's your name, Farm Boy?"
"Charlie Heggensford, ma'am." He stuck out his hand and she smiled as she shook it. — Hank Edwards

You're the only kick-ass general I know who needs three gay boys to dress him, John."
"But I only need one gay boy to undress me. — Sarah Black

[Looking like a straight girl] means wearing clothes that seek and destroy comfort. These are garments designed by gay men to attract heterosexual men. The straight girl is simply the hanger for an inside joke. — Mary Dugger

Why are all gay men understanding and compassionate?"
"Pfft." I arced an eyebrow at her. "They're not, trust me. Its a myth."
"A straight man wouldn't understand cramps, mood swings, backaches, not to mention the price of tampons ... — Zathyn Priest

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men
an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy. — Steve Harvey

Junction nineteen! Una, she came off at Junction nineteen! You've added an hour to your journey before you even started. Come on, let's get you a drink. How's your love life, anyway?"
Oh GOD. Why can't married people understand that this is no longer a polite question to ask? We wouldn't rush up to THEM and roar, "How's your marriage going? Still having sex?" Everyone knows that dating in your thirties is not the happy-go-lucky free-for-it-all it was when you were twenty-two and that the honest answer is more likely to be, "Actually, last night my married lover appeared wearing suspenders and a darling little Angora crop-top, told me he was gay/a sex addict/a narcotic addict/a commitment phobic and beat me up with a dildo," than, "Super, thanks. — Helen Fielding

Blahblah new porn series, blahblah hot men, blahblah new hot boytoy from France, blahblah hair products imported from France with the boytoy, blahblah super gay lifestyle. — Santino Hassell

Jeremy laughed. "Well, there was food, a gift, and you spent your time shopping. I'd say it was a date!"
Aiden squinted at Jeremy. "That's all we did last Saturday! he said, a little bit of surprise in his voice. "I thought you weren't gay!"
Jeremy widened his eyes big enough to look shocked. "Well, I didn't know you were!"
"God, what a dumbass!" Aiden shook his head. "Jesus, how can you give advice on two guys dating if you don't even know what two guys do if they're not on a date. — Amy Lane

I forgot my balls," Lucas said coming over.
"Your what?"
"My balls. Apparently I left them in this room somewhere, because otherwise I'd have had them in your office in order to tell you that you're full of shit," Lucas replied. — Mia Watts

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance. — Celia Rivenbark

Every gay man should be familiar with Bert and Ernie."
"And why is that?"
Reece rolled his eyes, smiling. "Everyone knows that they're lovers."
Ben stopped what he was doing and looked at the man incredulously. "Okay, Reece, seriously, can you hear yourself?"
"They are!" Reece said. "They live together, share a bedroom; I'm telling you the sexual tension is very palpable." Ben raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Reece cleared his throat. "You're going to break up with me now, aren't you? — L.A. Gilbert

Chadham's idea of an open-minded, modern town had no room for faggots. Being gay made you about as welcome as a turd in the swimming pool.
Piner, Huston (2015-05-12). Light in Endless Darkness (Kindle Locations 25-26). Torquere Press. Kindle Edition. — Huston Piner

How you felt?" he asks, still looking like he's trying to hide a smirk.

"Oh, shut up. I'm going now. I'm sorry I bothered you, your Highness of Reindeerness," I say, with more than a little sarcasm. "I promise not to ever disturb you again. — Candi Kay

I picked up my flute and smiled, eyebrows dancing. "Why don't you show her your straight dance?"
"Is there a gay dance, too?" Mickey asked. — Rose Christo

Another Thing I'm Sick of Hearing:
If I started that gay rights group,
I must be gay.
So if i start an animal rights group,
what does that make me?
A giraffe? — James Howe

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No-I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times. — Dave Attell

Tiring of his questioning, I tell him adamantly that nothing's ever going to happen between Kahn and I.
"But you want it to."
"It doesn't matter what I want. It's never gonna happen."
"Does he know that you wear ballet shoes to bed?"
"I do NOT-"
He laughed, "That you're GAY-"
"Oh. Yeah- he knows THAT."
He asks if Kahn is okay with me being gay.
"HE LOVES IT."
"LOVES THAT YOU'RE GAY?"
"YEAH."
"Sounds PROMISING."
"That's what I thought. But Nadda."
"Nadda... YET. — Giorge Leedy

You want me to invite him to dinner."
"I want you to invite him to dinner," she agreed.
"You know," he said, "most gay men don't have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives."
"That's probably true," she said. "You're one of the lucky ones. — Matthew Haldeman-Time

Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation. — John Valentine

Our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag. — Ann Somerville

Maybe you can explain to me what is so spectacular about her, because you gay girls can't seem to keep your hands off that daffy redhead. — Cassandra Duffy

Have you had unprotected gay sex?"

This time he got a snort and a laugh. "I ain't no butt pirate."

Roan felt the urge to say, " Arr matey, prepare to be boarded," but somehow managed to repress it. — Andrea Speed

As if anyone in Paris would believe for a second that I was a top. Not only was I made for being manhandled, I was far too lazy to be anything but a bottom. — Nicole Castle

You've been all black and white, like Kansas. It's time to get back to Oz. Enjoy the colors. — Kaje Harper

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. — Bo Burnham

Look, Mrs. McGillicuddy, it's not my fault your son jumped out a dorm room window on Christmas eve. I've written over fifty books as a Columbia professor, all right? You don't do that by holding hands with every at-risk undergraduate who says he's homesick, or he's turning gay, or the dog ate his term paper. I write about Lincoln, and freedom, and great ideas. I don't always have time for students. It's like Dean Martin used to say: if you want to talk, go to a priest.
Hey
what's the gun for? — Eric Foner

The near dark streets where Friday night's business began to accomplish itself, strolling couples, arm in arm, girls bright as just pricked flowers, halfdrunk belligerent men herded homeward by fierce women with bitter persecuted faces ... — William Gay

[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: "Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He's just been with work-weary people. Be a little gay. His boring day needs a lift."
Mama Celia: "Get knee-walking drunk. You've earned it. You've been with four kids under the age of seven all day. Put a ribbon in your nose and try to pull it out of your mouth. You're wasted, after all. Announce you're gay. The look on his face will give you a lift. — Celia Rivenbark

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section. — Rodney Dangerfield

Gotten butt-ass, bone-dog naked for your vadge-cam?" Dante offered with an angelic smile, standing close.
"Fucking hell, D." Griff turned to Beth with an apology, but she spoke first.
"Huh-yeah. Thanks, cockbreath. — Damon Suede

Rev. Pat Robertson says that if more states legalize gay marriage, God will destroy America. He did say that afterwards, gays will come in and do a beautiful renovation. — Conan O'Brien

I poured some coffee into a mug that read: "I'm not gay, but my ex-boyfriend is," compliments of Peyton — Sandi Lynn

I already gave you my ass. I guess you can have my hand too. — K.A. Mitchell

Just don't stare at my ass, Landemere," he added.
"I wasn't staring at your ass," Arranulf, who had been staring at his ass, said. — Andrew Ashling

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was tighter than usual. — Kyle Adams

I have a question for you, but it's kind of ... um, personal."
"Yes, I'm gay."
"You really are a fan of saying that, aren't you?"
"Once you start, you just can't stop. — Diana Peterfreund

I generally assumed a guy was gay until proven straight, taken until proven single, and not interested until he'd put his tongue in my mouth. — Mara Wilson

[Ned Flanders]: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party.
[Homer Simpson]: No, Flanders. Its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested. — Matt Groening

I didn't set out to do a gay comic, but given the current political and religious climate in this country, I feel it is important as a gay person, and a Christian, to create stories with humor and honesty. — Paige Braddock

From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and Neuse Rivers, Chesapeake, and Virginia. (Previously, Virginia had been called Windgancon, meaning "what gay clothes you wear" - apparently what the locals had replied when an early reconnoitering party had asked the place's name.) — Bill Bryson

I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu — David Gallie

Look at the Metropolitan Community Church today, the gay church, almost accepted into the World Council of Churches. Almost, the vote was against them. But they will try again and again until they get in, and the tragedy is that they would get one vote. Because they are spoken of here in Jude as being brute beasts, that is going to the baser lust of the flesh to live immorally, and so Jude describes this as apostasy. But thank God this vile and satanic system will one day be utterly annihilated and there'll be a celebration in heaven. — Jerry Falwell

You could wear the same outfit every single day and no guy - who isn't gay - will notice. — Maureen Johnson

She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. — Kate Atkinson

There are men who wants only the woman; such are tagged, 'real men', and there are ones who want only their bodies; such are tagged, 'fake men', and there are others who wants neither the woman, nor the body; such are tagged, 'GAY MEN — Michael Bassey Johnson

There was a great jagged hole where they had ripped out the fireplace; the wall around it was crowded with faded graffiti explain who loved who, who was gay and who should fuck off. — Tana French

I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage. — Aaron Sorkin

I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. — Dave Attell

Is there n-nothing you can do?" Parmida asked, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand.
The unicorn laughed softly. "She asks for a boon after shooting me in the ass. — Ash Gray

I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't
'
'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors.
'
keep their mouths shut,' I muttered.
'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me.
'Or something,' I agreed. — T.J. Klune

So did I enjoy working with my fair share of gay people? You bet — J.D. Holmes

Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy. — Rachel Caine

Gay angels are all the rage in heaven. — Eric Arvin

She gave Pretty Boy a surreptitious glance. Did he honestly expect her to believe he was gay? True, there were the gay boots and those stunning good looks. But, even so, he blasted enough heterosexual mega-wattage to light up the entire female population. Which he'd undoubtedly been doing since he shot out of the birth canal, glimpsed his reflection in the obstetrician's eyeglasses, and gave the world a high five. — Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America ... I point the finger in their face and say you helped this happen. — Jerry Falwell

Nicholas is gay, isn't he," she says, her voice dripping with dejection.
I shrug, again remembering his proposition from last night. "Not necessarily. The jury's still out. There's hope for a Christmas wedding yet," I tell her. — L. H. Cosway

I'm glad you're gay," she said solemnly, "because that way, if I can't have you, no one can."
"Um, Rocher," I mentioned, "like, a dude could have him."
This had never occurred to Rocher because she'd thought that Jate being gay translated as, "I love Rocher Bargemueller so much but I don't deserve her so I'll never have sex again." The concept of Jate with a guy was fresh turf and Rocher regarded him with an especially deranged sparkle in her eyes.
"I could be a dude," she said. — Paul Rudnick

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ... — Kristen Schaal

Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Band? Simon inquired. "No, probably not. — Cassandra Clare

Baby, you're so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you. — Rhys Ford

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put " ... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays. — Demetri Martin

You're thinking that if the North Pole has little elves and shape-shifting reindeer that maybe werewolves aren't quite so farfetched. Am I right? Well, you're wrong. There's no such thing as werewolves. That would just be crazy. — Candi Kay

Sex is not a wizard, whatever magical-seeming properties it might possess in its better forms. If your friend says to you, "You're being mean, you need to get laid," your problem is not sex. Your problems are that you might be acting like an asshole, and your friends are definitely idiots. — Katie Heaney

Shock? More like shellshock at this point. Blondie knew I was gay, yet he was a Company Exec or else he wouldn't be here. I was his butt boy in the worst possible way.
When I squinted at him, he gave nothing up. Neither did I. I had shit on this newly minted man too.
Double fucking jeopardy, jackass. — Rie Warren

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex. — Bill Maher

Let me say, on behalf of the entire gay male community, we hate your fucking guts 'cause you landed him. Share, you selfish bastard. — Andrea Speed

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life. — Chelsea Handler

I felt very close to God ... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees. — Armistead Maupin

So, okay. He was basically an amalgamation of every redheaded man to ever turn my crank (and how!). And he lived in a popular gay resort town, which meant the chances were above average that he might actually be interested. Watching him trot lightly down those stairs to the beach, I realized what my objective this summer would be.
Agent Carlisle, your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to find out which of these residences belongs to Mr. Strawberry-Blond Hunka Burnin' Love and convince him to do you on every horizontal surface - and against a few of the vertical ones. — Amelia C. Gormley

Don't answer the door without a shirt! Now, go get dressed before you catch a cold," I scolded.
"Why? He was kinda cute. Do you think he would've went for it if I said I didn't have any money?" Wesley asked.
"You're mine and I wouldn't let you prostitute yourself for pizza. Now go put on a shirt," I said, pulling two slices onto a plate. — J.M. Colail

Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me — Elizabeth Gilbert

She was lying to him."
"But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?" Darren asked
as he turned to me.
"Of course!"
"But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chase
Jacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her."
"He hit you?!"
"Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it felt
more like a love tap."
"You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!"
"Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.
Go ahead," Darren encouraged. — Kaitlin Scott

There are so many things to talk about between black people, Hispanic people, white people, gay people, men, women, it's all based on fear. We all have fears, this thing that stops us from embracing as we are one. We are never going to be one. People are messed up, but humor lets us see how ignorant we can be. — Marlon Wayans

You take a dick and you get it wet and then you put it someplace tight - — K.A. Mitchell

The joy of joys is the person of light but unmalicious humor. If you know any one who is gay, beguiling and amusing, you will, if you are wise, do everything you can to make him prefer your house and your table to any other; for where he is, the successful party is also. — Emily Post

This bulletin brought to you from the Department of Duh. — K.A. Mitchell

It's an amusing idea to some, this feminism thing - this audacious notion that women should be able to move through the world as freely, and enjoy the same inalienable rights and bodily autonomy, as men. At least, that's the impression given when feminism and feminists are all too often the targets of lazy humor. — Roxane Gay

Within the last two years it had been called Tony's, Belle's Bar Sinister, The Ole Plantation, Tony's, Alt Wien, Paris Soir
or Sewer
Victor's Vesuvius, Chez Cocotte, York House, Gay Madrid, and Tony's. — Patrick Dennis

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross

Check it out-this is a copy of a painting of a Greek High Priestess named Calliope. it says she was also the Poet Laureate after Sappho. Doesn't she look exactly like Cher?'
Wow, that's insane. She does look just like young Cher,' Erin said.
Yeah, before she started wearing those white wigs. What the hell's up with that?' Shaunee said.
Damien gave the Twins a look. 'There is nothing wrong with Cher. Absolutely. Nothing.'
Uh-oh,' Shaunee said.
Stepped on a gay nerve,' Erin agreed. — P.C. Cast

He stripped to his trunks, then dove into the pool. We all watched as he broke the surface and climbed from the water, his muscles slick and wet, his green eyes glowing in the half light of the glass ceiling. I heard Natalie and Sara both sigh, and Harry murmur that it almost made him want to go gay. Coby stretched out on a chaise beside me and asked, So you still sorry you moved here? — Lee Nichols