Gaffigan Wife Quotes & Sayings

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells. — Jim Gaffigan

I think as any artist you always want to grow; you always want to get better. — Brad Garrett

Babies are the worst roommates. They're unemployed. They don't pay rent. They keep insane hours. Their hygiene is horrible. If you had a roommate that did any of the things babies do, you'd ask them to move out. "Do you remember what happened last night? Today you're all smiles, but last night you were hitting the bottle really hard. Then you started screaming, and you threw up on me. Then you passed out and wet yourself. I went into the other room to get you some dry clothes, I came back, and you were all over my wife's breasts! Right in front of me, her husband! Dude, you gotta move out. — Jim Gaffigan

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy" ... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house. — Jim Gaffigan

This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife ... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man." — Jim Gaffigan

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences. — Jim Gaffigan

More than any other contemporary British playwright, Tom Stoppard populates his plays
from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead to The Invention of Love (his portrait of the poet and scholar A. E. Housman)
with characters from life and literature. But one cannot always tell the difference between those who are real and those who are imaginary. — Mel Gussow

Inaction is no longer acceptable. — Eric Lowitt

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off. — Jim Gaffigan

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' — Jim Gaffigan

I will continue to study at your feet, Master. I will learn from your wisdom. I will discover your secrets, unlocking them one by one until everything you know - all your knowledge and all your power - is mine. And once you are no longer of use to me, I will destroy you. — Drew Karpyshyn

My wife likes to pause before the meals with our kids and say grace. While I think this is a great opportunity for our children to learn to appreciate the gifts that God has given them, I view grace as kind of the "On your mark, get set ... " and the "Amen" as the "Go!" I am pretty sure that's the way God intended it. — Jim Gaffigan

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. — Jim Gaffigan

What's the world for you if you can't make it up the way you want it? — Toni Morrison

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself ... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes. — Jim Gaffigan

Note: If you met your wife while she was married to another man, history is bound to repeat itself. — Jim Gaffigan

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid. — Jim Gaffigan

Every year after Jeannie has her annual baby, I receive congratulations from friends and family. There's always one person who says, "Oh, you just had a baby. Yeah, we just got a puppy." What? In no other situation could you compare a human to an animal and people would actually be okay with it. You could never say, "Oh, you just got married? Yeah, I used to have a pig. Does your new wife like to roll around in mud, too? My pig loved that. — Jim Gaffigan