Gaffigan Quotes & Sayings

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me. — Jim Gaffigan

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German? — Jim Gaffigan

When I'm with all my little ones, people with grown or teenage children always tell me, "You're going to miss this." I have to assume they are talking about my children being young and not the conversation I'm having with them, because I am not going to miss people giving me advice about children. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't want people to think I believe in God. — Jim Gaffigan

a Shakespearean play with a hip-hop score — Jim Gaffigan

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act. — Jim Gaffigan

New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign." — Jim Gaffigan

In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby. — Jim Gaffigan

I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female. — Jim Gaffigan

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid. — Jim Gaffigan

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!" — Jim Gaffigan

I'm not saying parenting cured my narcissism, but it changed me and continues to change me every day. I am now a teeny tiny bit less of a narcissist. Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of "Take care of yourself first" is no longer logical to a sane person if your baby wakes up hungry in the middle of the night. You can't be like, "What's that? The baby is starving? Eh, forget her, I've got to get some sleep." For me, parenting was literally a wake-up call from my own simple selfishness. In other words, I'm not quite as horrible as I used to be. — Jim Gaffigan

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience. — Jim Gaffigan

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak. — Jim Gaffigan

Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia. — Jim Gaffigan

I suppose this happens because we have cameras on our phones. Do we need that? It's not like ten years ago we were thinking, "I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who's not interested." Remember when photos were special? It was not that long ago. "It's school picture day! We better get Junior a haircut. We want him to look nice. Don't want to waste the time of that camera expert and that precious film. — Jim Gaffigan

In the end, that's what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you've never been. Why don't we eat something, then we'll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we're supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat. — Jim Gaffigan

I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this. — Jim Gaffigan

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic. — Jim Gaffigan

Michael's babble is delivered with the intensity and cadence of an Obama speech. People are compelled to respond in kind, but then Michael will just look at them like, "That's not what I said at all, you moron." They — Jim Gaffigan

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none. — Jim Gaffigan

Everyone knows you are supposed to read to young children. Well, that's what I hear when I have my kids watch Sesame Street so I can waste time on the Internet. "Read to your children." Interestingly enough, when you hear "Read to your children" on Sesame Street, they never say, "Did you hear me? Do not watch Sesame Street! Turn off the TV and read that kid a book! — Jim Gaffigan

I don't have an insatiable desire to discover what makes something taste good or to find exotic combinations. I guess I'm not that bored. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors. — Jim Gaffigan

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny. — Jim Gaffigan

I had never fought in the Vietnam War and had dinner in Paris on the same day. I had no context to understand the casualties or the romance a parent feels on the same day. — Jim Gaffigan

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?' — Jim Gaffigan

How do you answer, "Daddy, why are you a stand-up chameleon?" or "Why don't dogs get the chicken pops?" When my son Jack was four, he pointed to a car antenna and said, "Look, Daddy, stick." I clarified: "Actually, that is an antenna." Jack then asked, "What's an antenna?" After realizing I had no idea how an antenna worked, I explained, "It's a ... stick. A metal stick. You nailed it, buddy." Even — Jim Gaffigan

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks. — Jim Gaffigan

Even in the '70s and '80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of "cool." The cool character on Happy Days was "the Fonz," and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men's bathroom. That's not only not cool, that's not even sanitary. — Jim Gaffigan

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right? — Jim Gaffigan

Even the hash brown section of the Waffle House menu reads like a serial killer-to-do list: Smothered, covered,diced, and scattered. — Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay. — Jim Gaffigan

If you are reading this, I am probably dead. I would assume this because I can honestly foresee no other situation where you'd be interested in anything I've done. Right now, you are actually more interested in preventing me from doing things like working, sleeping, and smiling. I'm kidding, of course. Kind of. I love you with all of my heart, but you are probably the reason I'm dead. — Jim Gaffigan

Well, since you've come into my life, you've been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. — Jim Gaffigan

Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever. — Jim Gaffigan

It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war. — Jim Gaffigan

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in? — Jim Gaffigan

If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to. — Jim Gaffigan

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid. — Jim Gaffigan

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water. — Jim Gaffigan

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does. — Jim Gaffigan

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.' — Jim Gaffigan

There was a time when I was thin. Sure, I was six years old, but I'm confident I can get back into those clothes. Actually, — Jim Gaffigan

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing. — Jim Gaffigan

I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless. — Jim Gaffigan

I've been outed as a Christian. — Jim Gaffigan

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family]. — Jim Gaffigan

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that. — Jim Gaffigan

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.' — Jim Gaffigan

Apart from its ill-fated name and frightening body, everything about the crab as a creature is creepy. It only moves sideways. To the right and then jerking to the left. It always looks like it's trying to avoid an awkward situation. "Uh-oh. I owe that guy money," as he sidesteps away. — Jim Gaffigan

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape. — Jim Gaffigan

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights. — Jim Gaffigan

My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people. — Jim Gaffigan

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing. — Jim Gaffigan

I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja. — Jim Gaffigan

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. — Jim Gaffigan

It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don't know how Moses did it. — Jim Gaffigan

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing. — Jim Gaffigan

Parents of young children are always acting. You act excited to read a story for the five-hundredth time. You act impressed someone went to the bathroom on the toilet. The excitement I show to some of the children's scribbles should get me a Golden Globe nomination. — Jim Gaffigan

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby. — Jim Gaffigan

Every year after Jeannie has her annual baby, I receive congratulations from friends and family. There's always one person who says, "Oh, you just had a baby. Yeah, we just got a puppy." What? In no other situation could you compare a human to an animal and people would actually be okay with it. You could never say, "Oh, you just got married? Yeah, I used to have a pig. Does your new wife like to roll around in mud, too? My pig loved that. — Jim Gaffigan

I only see people taking their pickup trucks to Cracker Barrel. My brother Mike, like many other pickup owners, never seems to be picking anything up with his pickup. I find this confusing. It's like walking around with a big empty piece of luggage: 'Are you about to travel somewhere?' 'No, but I'm the type of guy who would. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't want to give the terrorists any ideas, but if I really wanted to cripple a city with biological warfare, my WMD of choice would have to be the toddler. — Jim Gaffigan

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels. — Jim Gaffigan

I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don't like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them. — Jim Gaffigan

There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution. — Jim Gaffigan

I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer. — Jim Gaffigan

What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it. — Jim Gaffigan

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod." — Jim Gaffigan

I like to think of bread as really bland cake. — Jim Gaffigan

I wasn't ready for the guilt of being a parent. I was raised Catholic, so guilt is a familiar friend. Guilt is as much a part of the Catholic culture as is rooting for Notre Dame. I grew up with a "God is watching you, so you better not make him mad" mentality. I felt guilty for feeling good, for feeling bad, and for feeling nothing. Attending Confession was supposed to alleviate some of the guilt, but I always ended up feeling guilty for not telling the priest everything I felt guilty about, so I stopped going to Confession. Then I felt guilty that I stopped going to Confession. That's a lot of guilt. Just when I thought that nothing could top "Catholic Guilt," I became acquainted with "Parental Guilt," which totally puts "Catholic Guilt" to shame. Sorry, Catholic Guilt. Now I feel guilty for shaming you. — Jim Gaffigan

A three-year-old with insomnia is very similar to a heroin addict going through withdrawal. There is nothing that calms them. They can't focus. You can't tell them enough stories. They don't understand why they are still awake four hours past their bedtime. This is commonly understood by all parents of three-year-olds and has inspired great works of literature, such as Go the F-ck to Sleep. — Jim Gaffigan

Leaving the house in general really doesn't mix with toddlers, but long lines just indicate poor parental planning and judgment. — Jim Gaffigan

If the name or shape weren't odd enough, the McRib has a strange "here today, gone tomorrow" existence. Like a serial deadbeat dad, the McRib arrives with great fanfare only to skip town without warning. — Jim Gaffigan

Also, toddler judgment is horrible. They don't have any. Put a twelve-month-old on a bed, and they will immediately try and crawl off headfirst like a lemming on a mindless migration mission. But the toddler mission is never mindless. They have two goals: find poison and find something to destroy. — Jim Gaffigan

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied. — Jim Gaffigan

I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there. — Jim Gaffigan

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it? — Jim Gaffigan

During December we are all ingesting, imbibing, and spending with a reckless abandon like a bachelor party on a guilt-free boondoggle. Everyone has the unspoken agreement that what happens in December stays in December. — Jim Gaffigan

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out. — Jim Gaffigan

It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy. — Jim Gaffigan

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy. — Jim Gaffigan

I'd still trust an overly fat person over a skinny one any day. The best adviser would have a very specific body type: pudgy or just a little overweight. This makes it clear they have a somewhat unhealthy relationship with food, but not a clinical problem. They — Jim Gaffigan

A lot of people are like, "You're doing commercials?" And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It's hard work, and I'm paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda. — Jim Gaffigan

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want. — Jim Gaffigan

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness. — Jim Gaffigan

Let me be clear. I love all animals. I love to pet them. I love to eat them. — Jim Gaffigan

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it." — Jim Gaffigan

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate ... being alone. — Jim Gaffigan

I was able to make the jump to theaters without having a TV show. My passion for getting a TV show just plummeted. It was like I had already achieved what I wanted to achieve. — Jim Gaffigan

It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H. — Jim Gaffigan

The go-to is your parents. You know they are not serial killers. They want to see their grandchild, and you don't want to pay anyone. The perfect situation! The problem is, when you are not paying someone to do a favor for you, they don't really need to listen to you ... Also your mom and dad are crazy. They raised you, and you are a disaster! By letting them watch your kids, you are giving them free rein to replicate their mistakes. — Jim Gaffigan

I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me, — Jim Gaffigan

If steak is the tuxedo of meat, and bacon is the candy of meat, then a good cheeseburger is the mother's hug of meat. — Jim Gaffigan

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up. — Jim Gaffigan

Look, you lost a tooth. Congratulations. Enjoy looking like a hillbilly. Here's a dollar, — Jim Gaffigan

She has a kid in her class who has a backpack with wheels on it. Yes, wheels. That way, when the child gets tired of carrying the things they don't need to nursery school, they can roll the bag of nothing around. — Jim Gaffigan