Funny Team Quotes & Sayings

I have the reports from Gemson and Boyd," Syn replied. His boots were up on the corner of his desk as he reclined back in his chair, skimming the contents of the file.

"How are they?" God asked. He removed his leather coat and draped it over the back of his chair.

"Detailed. Good," Syn answered. He brought his feet down and gave God a pointed look.

The big man shook his head, already knowing what Syn wanted. He wanted everything they knew about this case. Now.

"Alright Syn. Chill out. We're not used to you yet. But we know what it means to have a Sergeant on our team. You're the team's go to, and have just as much command and input regarding decision making as we do," Day responded as God stared. Day chuckled. "Tito was just as important as the other Jacksons."

Syn threw a pen at Day, which he dodged easily. Syn couldn't help but laugh at Day's fucked up comparison. "I'm no fucking Tito, shithead. — A.E. Via

Blake hung an arm on my shoulders. "Alone at last."
"I'm right here," Logan said.
"Maybe you shouldn't be. — A&E Kirk

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there. — Julia Marriott

It's funny: when you're skating around during warm-ups, I'll see signs that say things like: 'Kane, Prom?' We have a fun, young team, and girls are asking you to the prom and giving you their numbers. — Patrick Kane

Unfortunately for the Culver Creek Nothings, we weren't playing the deaf-and-blind school. We were playing some Christian school from downtown Birmingham, a team stocked with huge, gargantuan apemen with thick beards and a strong distaste for turning the other cheek. — John Green

The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other "official spokesmen" for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.
Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: "The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends ... — Hunter S. Thompson

This time, try to keep your hands to yourself," Ayden whispered in my ear. "Your octopus routine could get a bit embarrassing with this crowd."
"Th - that's not funny."
"Come on. It was a little funny. You're smiling."
I buried my face in his chest so he couldn't see he was right.
"Now," Blake said, "about those handcuffs. That's just - "
"Don't say it," Ayden warned.
"Kinky. — A&E Kirk

I'm an off-road racecar driver. And I think every woman in my life has told me that's not a sensible hobby. But when I was growing, even more than I wanted to be funny, I wanted to be a racecar driver. That's all I thought about. I worked for a race team when I was 15 and I traveled with them. — Dax Shepard

A good team needs three things: the right people, the right spirit, and a couple inside jokes. — VanillaCreamPie8888

Germany are a very difficult team to play ... they have eleven internationals out there today. — Steve Lomas

When I was a kid I used to hate getting picked for team sports. It would be the fit and sporty guys over there. And me and the fat kids over here. Those kids were fat! One girl had to be cut out a hula hoop. — Alan Carr

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets. — David Letterman

Ayden and I clapped our hands over our ears when the shrieking started.
"Yes. I can see that you're enthused," Jayden tried to speak over the girls' squealing, "but you need - "
Danica snatched the backstage passes from Jayden. "No way!"
"Uh, yes. Way?" Jayden said. — A&E Kirk

They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that. — Kevin Keegan

And Barry Levinson is insanely funny. I don't know if you know this, not everyone does, but he and Craig T. Nelson were a comedy team back in the coffeehouse days of the late '60s. — Kevin Pollak

Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it. — Grenville Kleiser

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy. — Craig Ferguson

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear.
I jumped over a slashing frond of plasm, spun round with the water bottle in my hand. I hurled it across to Lockwood.
George threw his rapier to me.
Watch this now. Sword and bottle, sailing through the air, twin trajectories, arching beautifully through the mass of swirling tendrils towards Lockwood and me. Lockwood held out his hand. I held out mine.
Remember I said there was that moment of sweet precision when we gelled perfectly as a team?
Yeah, well. This wasn't it.
The rapier shot past, missing me by miles. It skidded halfway across the floor. The bottle struck Lockwood plumb in the centre of his forehead, knocking him through the window.
There was a moment's pause.
'Is he dead?' the skulls voice said 'Yay! Oh. No, he's hanging onto the shutters. Shame. Still, this is defiantly the funniest thing I've ever seen. You three really are incompetence on a stick — Jonathan Stroud

We can't play stupid hockey, dumb hockey, greedy hockey, selfish hockey. We have to put the team ahead of our personal feelings. — Terry Crisp

The special effects team designed everything, which basically allowed me to stand on a green box and look and stay relatively expressionless and all these machines did the acting for me. Just the way I like it (laughs) — Robert Pattinson

And there's a visceral fun in watching Team America and making it, like taking a puppet and throwing it against the wall. Because it's not CG, there's something funny about it. — Matt Stone

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck. — Cassandra Clare

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. — Steven Wright

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" — Rita Rudner

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. — Rita Rudner

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally. — Rich Donnelly

I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians. — Tommy Lasorda

The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets. — Conan O'Brien

They only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn't understand tractor pulls, either. — John Barnes

A whoosh and the lines of fire sucked back toward Ayden, flames disappearing into his hands. Back to normal.
"Ayden's the most visually effective," Matthias said.
A burning scent lingered but no damage to the "hottie" in front of me. I know, I know, but I couldn't resist. — A&E Kirk

You know how you just don't like guys on the other team sometimes? It's funny because growing up I loved Roger (Clemens), loved to watch Roger pitch. Then when I was first in the big leagues and he was for the other team, I hated him. — Andy Pettitte

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles. — Jay Leno

No vampires? You know, the kind that sparkle? I giggle to myself, thinking "Go Team Edward!" - Willow — Mira Monroe

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. — Woody Allen

I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation. — Pharrell Williams

It's funny how the whole team gets quiet when you're about to win a Daytona 500. — Joey Logano

You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains. — J.K. Rowling

Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.' — Chip Kelly

So what's your team called?" asked Kate, twisting her legs into a pretzel-like configuration, "We're called the Winmates because we're inmates who win." Kate looked back and forth at Reynie and Constance, searching their expression for signs of delight.
"You gave yourselves a name?" asked Constance.
Now it was Kate's turn to be baffled. "You didn't? How can you have a team without a name? — Trenton Lee Stewart

I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team looking to tackle a fullback who is built like solid wood. I'm a thinking person, and I've been blessed with the ability to see some things and talk about them in a way that registers in a humorous and funny way. — Bill Cosby

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. — Derek Landy

The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people. — Miranda Otto

I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they're trying to stab you in the back. — Aaron Douglas

The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together. — Gene Shue

Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform. — Jay Leno

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing. — Bill Shankly

Funny, how the American team appealed to so many people because it was unsullied by money, and selfishness and corporate fingerprints, and yet when Chastain removed her shirt the old cynicism returned immediately. Surely, many thought and wrote, she had a deal with Nike to flash her bra and to make her body a living, breathing mannequin. — Jere Longman

Shouldn't you be at your posts?" Jayden stepped up.
Logan nodded.
"Just talking about ... girl stuff," Tristan said.
"Mascara," Blake said.
"What?" Tristan said.
"Leaving." Logan shoved the boys.
Jayden leaned in. "There's something the others wish to remain secret. But I think having the knowledge would be beneficial. You're - "
"Bait." I didn't bother to hide my grin.
"Precisely, but don't be alarmed because - " He jerked back. "You know?"
"I do."
Jayden stared blankly, then patted my head. "Excellent. — A&E Kirk

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all. — Anne Burack Sayre

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part. — Jay Leno

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. — Tim McCarver

What did you tell them?"
"I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player."
Derek emitted a strangled cough.
"Why?" I demanded.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Curran resumed hammering.
"I'm sorry," I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. "His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit."
On the roof Derek was laughing his head off. — Ilona Andrews

My mom believed that you make your own luck. Over the stove she had hung these old, maroon painted letters that spell out, "MANIFEST." The idea being if you thought and dreamed about the way you wanted your life to be
if you just envisioned it long enough, it would come into being.
But as hard as I had manifested Astrid Heyman with her hand in mine, her blue eyes gazing into mine, her lips whispering something wild and funny and outrageous in my ear, she had remained totally unaware of my existence. Truly, to even dream of dreaming about Astrid, for a guy like me, in my relatively low position on the social ladder of Cheyenne Mountain High, was idiotic. And with her a senior and me a junior? Forget it.
Astrid was just lit up with beauty: shining blonde ringlets, June sky blue eyes, slightly furrowed brow, always biting back a smile, champion diver on the swim team. Olympic level.
Hell, Astrid was Olympic level in every possible way. — Emmy Laybourne

It was funny because she thought of herself as a good team player, although sometimes she suspected that no one else on her team did. — Kate Atkinson

If you want to work consistently, you have to be a team player. — Russell Malone

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender. — Craig Ferguson

Liam gets to be Sirius."
Jase shook his head.
"Sirius dies."
"Lupin?"
"Also dies."
"A Weasley twin?"
"Liam isn't that funny, and Fred dies."
I searched over the entire cast ofHarry Potter.
"All the cool people die."
"Which is why we should stick to Star Wars and Jedi. What kind of cool team name would we get if we went with the wizards? Team Gryffindor?"
"Or, you know, Order of the Phoenix."
"I think we're more like Dumbledore's Army," was Talley's sleepy reply. "Although, we're more like Liam's Army. — Tammy Blackwell

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!" — Jim Gaffigan

In order for this team to win the game, the quarterback has to throw the ball. — John Madden

It made me feel almost giddy, like a high-school girl watching the captain of the football team worked up his nerve to ask for a date. You mean me? Little old me? Oh my stars, really? Pardon me while I flutter my eyelashes. — Jeff Lindsay

I apologize. Hi, I'm Agent Sloane Brodie, your Team Leader. I enjoy reading, cozy nights in, and the soothing sounds of classic rock. I also like to browse the Internet for funny cat videos, but deep down, I think I'm more of a dog person. — Charlie Cochet

But a funny thing happened four years later. I was invited to play for an alumni team against the Red Wings. — Ted Lindsay

We scored a season-high, yeah - albeit against a team that is somewhat tanking. — Andrew Bogut

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team! — Pittacus Lore

Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens. — Jay Leno

I could seriously get used to having a houseboy," she said wistfully.
He raised an eyebrow. "Boy?"
"Er, um, house hottie then? House stud?"
He winced. "Sorry I said anything at all. If it ever gets out that you called me your house hottie, I'll never be able to show my face to my team again. — Maya Banks

Mark, some answers to your earlier questions:
No, we will not tell our Botany Team to "Go fuck themselves."
[...]
The data transfer rate just isn't enough for the size of music files, even in compressed formats. So your request for "Anything, oh god, ANYTHING but Disco" is denied. Enjoy your boogie fever. — Andy Weir

It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts. — Jimmy Fallon

Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding. — Jerry Coleman

A cool hand touched my arm. I jerked back. "Don't! You'll burn!"
"I'm used to it." Ayden's brown eyes twinkled. "In fact, I've been told I'm smokin'." He held out a hand, his voice soft. "By an incredible redhead who I wish, for once, knew she could trust me. — A&E Kirk

Son of a - Rora?" Blake slid out of the crater he'd just made in the wall. "Crap. What are you doing here?" He saw my wrist. "Handcuffs? I definitely want that story. — A&E Kirk

Finn doesn't have as much respect for Han's legacy as everybody else does, and Han finds that a bit charming. They team up and go on a mission together. The banter is very choppy, and the dialogue is pretty funny. Chewie enjoys the banter and the friction between the two, but they definitely have each other's backs. — John Boyega

I bleed and breathe Hawks. Even when I played for other teams I felt funny, because I was a Hawk. — Dominique Wilkins

the team will say "We can't get anything done in a week." I generally ask them, "Well, can you get anything done in a day, then?" They'll reply that they cannot, and I'll ask them why they plan to come in tomorrow if they aren't going to do anything. Haha, very funny. Except serious. — Anonymous

After the 1984 Summer Olympics, Reagan wanted to add the U.S. volleyball team to his Cabinet. He figured if they can't shove his programs down Congress' throat, nobody can. — Bob Hope

You get a promotion?"
"I got a polite, but firm suggestion to be a team player. [ ... ]"
"You got off easy. One of my commanding officers once threw a paperweight at me."
"We're a bit more subtle. — Nelson DeMille