Funny Swearing Quotes & Sayings

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels. — Dylan Moran

Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. — Finley Peter Dunne

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly. — Pawan Mishra

Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first? — Christine Feehan

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway. — Tim Vine

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" — Mitch Hedberg

The biggest problem of all is that it's very difficult to tell my daughter, 'Swearing is not clever or funny,' because I earn a living by swearing. — Peter Capaldi

'What was that?' Wallander said.
[Linda] 'Nothing.'
'That's funny. I could have sworn you were swearing.'
'I didn't say anything.'
'I have a strange daughter,' Wallander said to Lindman. 'She curses without even knowing it.' — Henning Mankell

Eagles, buffalos and deserts vast,
it's no good living in the fucking past. — Mark Jackman

Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.
This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled. — T.J. Klune

What sort of funny songs?"
"My balls are swearing my balls are swearing I can't keep my balls from sweating ohhh no."
"How is that funny?" I asked.
"As in the balls of your feet?"
"No, it's like this thing ... Never mind," he said. — Anna Carey

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt. — H.M. Ward

I always found it really funny when actors would come offstage, smoking cigarettes and swearing at each other. — Jason Gann

... Pfiffikus, whose vulgarity made Rosa Hubermann look like a wordsmith and a saint. — Markus Zusak