Funny Smoking Quotes & Sayings

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now. — Dylan Moran

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, "Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run you nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow them and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they're flushed out to sea with the rest of the city's filth. After such time, we will sysematically seek out your friends and loved one and destroy their lives."
Wouldn't you like to see a sign like that? — George Carlin

[ ... ] and I switched to English literature, where so many frustrated poets end as pipe-smoking teachers in tweeds. — Vladimir Nabokov

I believe there is little to gain by exchanging opinions with other artists concerning either the ideology of art or technical methods. — Yves Tanguy

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. — Brooke Shields

Jean sat at the end of the bar, watching Jerry Springer as she drew deeply on a long cigarette. The woman smoked like a freight train, especially while watching talk shows. — Rose Wynters

There are a lot of wonderful books out there that aren't marketed properly, and readers who might love them never even know they exist. — Julie Kenner

Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me. — Kirk Douglas

I always found it really funny when actors would come offstage, smoking cigarettes and swearing at each other. — Jason Gann

I loved you so much it sometimes burned in my chest. — Taylor Jenkins Reid

The trouble is the kind of guy I want to go out with doesn't even exist ... Like a rugged, chain-smoking, intellectual, adventurer guy who's really serious, but also really funny and mean ... — Daniel Clowes

Any man is liable to err, only a fool persists in error. — Marcus Tullius Cicero

on the other hand, is anything for which less is preferred to more. For Homer, much like most people, work is — Joshua Hall

It is a funny thing. A man can make a promise to his God, break it five minutes later and never think about it. With an idle shrug of his shoulders, a man can break solemn promises to his mother, wife or sweetheart, and, except for a slight momentary twinge of conscience, he still won't be bothered very much. But if a man ever breaks a promise to himself he disintegrates. His entire personality and character crumble into tiny pieces, and he is never the same man again.
I remember very well a sergeant I knew in the army. Before a group of five men he swore off smoking forever. An hour later he sheepishly lit a cigarette and broke his vow to the five of us and to himself. He was never quite the same man again, not to me, and not to himself. — Charles Willeford

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"
He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."
I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."
He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world. — Saad Salman

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait. — Dylan Perry

What's in that pipe that he's smoking? — Arlo Guthrie

Bernard and I intend doing a lot with our lives and that includes actively helping other people. But how can we tell you our plans when we haven't finished making them yet? — Shelley Duvall

A great way to get rid of stress is, every once in a while, do something totally different and unexpected without any prior planning. — Franklin Gillette

I'm a fifth generation Washingtonian and I was born and raised here. My kid's a sixth generation Washingtonian. Honestly I wish people didn't move because I love the people of the city. — Ian MacKaye