Funny Sexy Quotes & Sayings

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him. — Jill Shalvis

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen

Mew - mew. Mew." I jump back from her finger swipes. "I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia. — Pella Grace

I tapped my cup to his, grateful to have found Shaun, because for a minute there, I'd thought I was going to have to save myself. Instead, I'd wandered into the protective care of a sexy older man. — Becca Fitzpatrick

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... — Roberto Hogue

Just then Jagger walks in, his hair all ruffled and his body hard and firm. We all stop talking and stare as he runs his hands through his hair in an attempt to straighten it up.
"Take a picture ladies, it lasts longer." he mutters — Bec Botefuhr

I'm actually pretty good at stripping, which makes me wonder what happened in my previous life. Funny enough, I don't wear a lot of clothes when I dance and it's very sexy, so it wasn't too hard to get into the motion of it. — Julianne Hough

Sex is hard to write about because you lose the universal and succumb to the particular. We all have our different favorites. Good sex is impossible to write about. Lawrence and Updike have given it their all, and the result is still uneasy and unsure. It may be that good sex is something fiction just can't do
like dreams. Most of the sex in my novels is absolutely disastrous. Sex can be funny, but not very sexy. — Martin Amis

Oh, god ... " I whimper. "I haven't done anything yet, baby," Colton growls. "I know," I pant. "I was just saying your name. — Jasinda Wilder

Sex is always funny. I don't find it sexy, I find it really horrifying. But it's an act that we need. And that need, that desire, is what makes it really funny. — Elizabeth Banks

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice - ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie ... to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!
But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,
worse, kissing up.
It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I'd probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date. — David Levithan

The keys that unlock the heart are made of funny materials: a disarming phrase that comes out of the blue, nowhere, a certain sexy walk that sends you reeling, the way someone hums when she is alone. My father said it was the way my mother danced with him. — Jonathan Carroll

Oh, doctor. I think I'm sick I need some penis-cilin. I fake cough again into my hand. — S.K. Logsdon

This wonderful, sexy, funny guy was completely psychotic. And I was still holding his hand.
Even more surprisingly, I still didn't want to let go. — Katherine Pine

I go in on your arm and we separate. To make me look unavailable, since Vlad likes what he can't have, I play dumb blonde and make myself sexy." I glared as Adam barked with laughter at my words."No going off of the plan, when he takes you in the back room - and he will, you work the information out of him without blowing your cover, or him." I shot the glare to Ryder. "I have no intention of bobbing on Vlad's knob. Or yours." I tossed into remove the wide smirk my response had given him and it worked. — Amelia Hutchins

You ever tried sixty-nine, Lola? I think you'd like it. You're a good multi-tasker. — Bianca Giovanni

After a few seconds of scraping, I realize what he has isn't a trail, it's a whole forest! Ack! Weren't all men supposed to shave their chest and stuff nowadays? Whatever happened to having fuzz-free Hollywood heroes as role models? At least my embarrassment is completely foregone by the irritation at his lack of upkeep. The only thing distracting me now is that heady mix of musk, shaving cream and a distinctly ... male scent. And God knows that is one seriously jeopardizing distraction. Especially with a whizzing needle in one's hand. — Rucy Ban

I'm 27. I feel like I get it. I'm OK with being sexy if I feel like it. Some days I'm brainy, some days I'm funny, some days I'm sexy, and sometimes, I just want to dance. — Nelly Furtado

I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad. — Kimberly Elise

She looks me dead in the face and says, "The safe word is going to be 'immigration,' because you know I'll stop it. — Kayti McGee

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing," she smiled..."Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it's attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I'm in thesaurus mode. — Morgana Blackrose

Here." He spread his legs wider and patted the floor between them. "You'll be warmer, and I promise I won't grope you or anything."

Yes, because getting groped by a handsome, charming man hours after getting dumped by a workaholic iceberg was such a repulsive notion. — Meg Maguire

When you started this engagement farce I thought I was going to hate every minute of it. Instead I loved every minute of it. I loved every minute of being with you. You're bright, sexy, funny, confident, sexy, strong, warm - did I say sexy? — Sarah Morgan

And she looks at me with her eyes open wide and a face that says: Oh my God, I'm muckin' around in my sexy Jesus-boots, in my crazy dreamworld, and I've opened the door and let you in on my crazy dreamworld and that's so embarrassing but, actually, who cares? because it's funny. — Jaclyn Moriarty

As she watched, he examined the can intently, read the ingredients, then returned it to the shelf and chose another, repeating his thorough study of it.
The contrast between his rough, tough-guy appearance and the domestic act he was performing did funny things to her head.
She had a sudden, breathtaking vision of a dark-haired little boy sitting in the seat of the cart, laughing up at Cian, grabbing at his swinging braids with chubby little fists, while his daddy inspected the ingredients on a jar of baby food. Her mind's eye
picture of sexy, strong man with beautiful, helpless child made something soft and warm blossom behind her chest. — Karen Marie Moning

Very Nice to meet you all"
They all floated in silence as if waiting on something when it dawned on me that they were waiting for me to get in. I pulled off my shirt and tossed it with my towel. When I turned around their mouths were agape.
"What?"
"N-nothing" Finley said, her eyes wide. — Fisher Amelie

I don't believe in true love and I certainly don't believe in love at first sight. Insta-love isn't something that happens in real life. It happens in the books I read, but not in the world I live. Though here stands this beautiful, sexy, funny, sweet and amazing guy who has done everything short of professing love at first sight to me and I'm still standing here like a pair of lungs suffocating, needing him in order to breathe. I'm not running, I'm here, submerged in all of my vulnerability, taking the biggest chance I ever have with my heart and soul. I hope I'm choosing wisely. I stared at the ground and felt his eyes on the top of my head. — Kathryn Perez

I want you to know, chickens aren't sexy. Not to me."
This was met with silence.
"Are you there?" She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. "Cam? Can you hear me?"
"Yes, chickens aren't sexy. Uh ... I don't think they're meant to be. — Jill Shalvis

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. — M.C. Lavocat

I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. — Kendall Ryan

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? — Billy Connolly

Do you want me to ride you like a rented mule, or do you prefer to be Mr. Missionary Position? I'm fine with wither, so it doesn't matter to me. — Katie MacAlister

He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. "Mmm. You smell so good."

"Oh, yeah," I said, smirking. "I call this new perfume 'Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.' "

"Dirt and sweat. Very sexy. — James Patterson

Our culture teaches that sex is for the sexy, and the only way to be sexy is to be pretty.
No wait
that's still too weak. Sex should properly arise from sexiness. For unsexy people
fat people, old people, funny-looking people, disabled people
to even feel sexual desire is inappropriate, perverse, disgusting. For them to engage in sexual display is offensive. For them to have sex ... well, there oughta be a law. — Vinnie Tesla

I think he fucked me stupid- McKenzie Matthews- Being Beckett's — P.S. Berryman

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. — Henny Youngman

There's lots of sides. The CD doesn't really create a mood. It creates more of a journey. It starts out with a simple bluegrass tune, sort of melancholy and sad, like "Lovin' and Lyin'," then it's sexy and there's some funny songs in there where I'm talking, like "Designated Drunk." There's a humor side, a sexy side, but there's also a pretty sad side, the country side. It's the backwards side of me! — Laura Bell Bundy

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. — Sharon Stone

We had to go to stew school for five weeks. We'd go through a whole week of make-up and poise. I didn't like this. They make you feel like you've never been out in public. They showed you how to smoke a cigarette, when to smoke a cigarette, how to look at a man's eyes. Our teacher, she had this idea we had to be sexy. One day in class she was showing us how to accept a light for a cigarette from a man and never blow it out. When he lights it, just look in his eyes. It was really funny, all the girls laughed. — Studs Terkel

For a culture that has such a problem with death, we seem to deal with it in a quite bizarre way. We see people shot, killed and blown up, and we find it funny and sexy and all those things. But, the reality of it is that every day people die, and people are really sad and they grieve and they go through a really difficult process with it. — Michael Sheen

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. — George Carlin

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong! — Chad Michael Murray

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot. — Sarah Mayberry

SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY - NOT QUITE YOUNG ANYMORE, BUT NOT OLD EITHER; A LITTLE BREATHLESS, VERY BEAUTIFUL, MAYBE A LITTLE STUPID, MAYBE A LOT SMARTER THAN SHE SEEMED. AND SHE WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING - I THINK SHE WANTED TO BE GOOD. LOOK AT THE MEN IN HER LIFE - JOE DIMAGGIO, ARTHUR MILLER, MAYBE THE KENNEDYS. LOOK AT HOW GOOD THEY SEEM! LOOK AT HOW DESIRABLE SHE WAS! THAT'S WHAT SHE WAS: SHE WAS DESIRABLE. SHE WAS FUNNY AND SEXY - AND SHE WAS VULNERABLE, TOO. SHE WAS NEVER QUITE HAPPY, SHE WAS ALWAYS A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT. SHE WAS JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE COUNTRY, — John Irving

Henry Miller is a famous writer whose work has fallen out of fashion, but I strongly recommend that readers who don't know his work pick up a book and experience this writer's zealous, crazy, inventive, funny, sexy, often delirious prose. — Siri Hustvedt

A fake ring. A fake engagement. Fake love. Everything was fake. Shiny and put together on the outside, empty on the inside. — Jamie Farrell

It's hard to believe someone who walks around commanding so much attention with his acute cockiness, hard muscles, and tattoos would ever let someone like me bring him to his knees-and make no mistake, I bring him to his knees. I bring him to his knees, hard. — Skyla Madi

You're a lot of things, Nell Hawthorne. You're complex. You're cute. You're lovely. You're funny. You're strong. You're beautiful." She seems to be struggling with words and emotions. I keep going. "You're tortured. You're hurting. You're amazing. You're talented. You're sexy as fuck. — Jasinda Wilder

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? — Dustin Hoffman

What is it about Paris that I just can't keep my hands off of you?" I ask him in between kisses.
"It has nothing to do with Paris and everything to do with my raw sexuality, baby. I'm fucking irresistible," he growls just before he shoves his tongue down my throat.
I can't argue with that. — Ella Dominguez

I've got a cab waiting so we sh-" he stopped speaking as he entered the
sitting room, his eyes frozen on me.
"Fuck."
Ellie giggled.
I squinted an eye at him. "Is that a good fuck?"
He grinned. "Well you're that too, babe. — Samantha Young

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose.
When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.'
'Share!' she demanded.
'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.'
She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part.
'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.'
'Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?'
'Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.'
'They're brisket tacos.'
'Now you're talking. — Rachel Caine

Two things are not debatable: eroticism, and comedy. If you don't think it's sexy, or funny, there's no way I can change your mind. — Gene Siskel

Being sexy is kind of funny to me. You know, I can get kind of spunky or I can get tough, you know, that kind of tough, sexy look. But sexy? No, I don't think so. — Reba McEntire

Look," she said, "apparently you bring out my inner slut. I'm not going to thank you for that."
Wyatt smiled that sexy smile of his. "I could make you."
She pointed a finger at his nose. And then lowered it so it was pointed at another part of his anatomy entirely. "Don't even think about it."
"Oh, I won't," he said silkily. "But you will."
And she knew he was right. — Jill Shalvis

If you're signing up all the pretty girls in Alden, I want to join too," Max told Christy.
"We aren't taking men," she explained.
He cocked his eyebrow. "What? We aren't sensitive enough for your kind of literature?"
Christy turned to Annie and both broke into laughter. Annie leaned closer to Max and whispered, "We are talking cliterature here."
His roguish smile was breathtaking. "Oh clits and chicks, I can handle that," he answered with a wink, his eyes glittering with laughter. — Elle Aycart

The thing I don't get about paedophilia ... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy? — Frankie Boyle

They drove towards the city and Dan handed Lyssa a loose Hermes scarf.
'Yours?' she teased.
'Mum's,' he answered as Lyssa tied it over her eyes. 'You look very sexy like that.'
'And you sound really creepy right now,' Lyssa said, laughing. — Kate Forster

Suzanne glanced over at her, eyebrow raised. "Is there an anaconda?" she asked, like it had suddenly occurred to her she could be totally wrong.
Tamara should only be so lucky. "No, there's no anaconda, I can promise you that." Not even a garden snake. — Erin McCarthy

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don't grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you'd concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs! — A.G. Starling

I don't want to talk about it," she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. "At all," she added, hearing with some alarm that her voice had softened. Everything had softened, at just his proximity. "Ever," she whispered, and found her gaze locked on his mouth.
He had a really great mouth.
"I don't want to talk, either," that mouth said very seriously. And then he lowered his head and kissed her. — Jill Shalvis

People would be in hysterics if they saw that. It's like, wow, he's a superhuman moron ... So he wears lipstick, has a little bouffant, and does little circus acts as well. Oh, he's so sexy. — Robert Pattinson

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. — Robert De Niro

I think you need to give me a pet name - a term of endearment."
His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I'd surprised him.
Finally, he said, "Like ... babe?"
"No - that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I'm thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate. — Penny Reid

Audrey didn't understand Piper's obsession with Erik. Yes, he was insanely gorgeous, with dark hair and dark sexy eyes, but he gave off a dick vibe. Piper was such a sweet and funny girl, and Audrey really didn't think they would be good together. But apparently Erik Titov did it for Piper, and who was she to question it? She herself was in love with an ass-hat and lusting over a child. She was in no place to judge anyone on their lusty needs. — Toni Aleo

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. "I told you to behave. I don't want to have to arrest you ever again."
"Um ... okay."
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, "Although I wouldn't mind handcuffing you."
Oh. My. God. — Robyn Peterman

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

The sad thing about our society is that women are put in one of two categories. You're either in the beautiful category and you're seen as sexy and beautiful, or some version of that, or you're put into another category.The latter category affords women the opportunity to be smart, funny, independent, mean, strong, intelligent and opinionated. We take them seriously as politicians, if they fit into that latter category. We respect their opinions more and give them higher expectations. That latter category is what allows female actors to be characters. — Amber Heard

At once, it's clear I cannot gush. We try me playing cocky, but I just don't have the arrogance. Apparently, I'm too "vulnerable" for ferocity. I'm not witty. Funny. Sexy. Or mysterious By the end of the session, I am no one at all. — Suzanne Collins

It was like my uterus was tapping out a happy dance on the rest of my organs. God, I was dying the longest, most tortuous, and arousing death in the history of the world. — Cora Carmack

Bella,leave the aggressive stuff to me."
My heart quirks in my chest. I may not like this guy but that sounded so hot. "Um ... " Focus,focus. "What? — Jenny B. Jones

I expect the world from you, as I should, because you're amazing and talented and funny and sweet. You're sexy as hell and clever and smart and capable of so many things. So yeah. I expect a hell of a lot from you. And I also expect that you can be successful in managing your OCD. I'm proud of you, Bailey. — S. Walden

The musical stuff I'd go up for was always funny, sexy, tough-as-nails, heart-of-gold characters. — Bebe Neuwirth

Who doesn't love a funny girl who can look sexy at the same time? — Malin Akerman

I put the sexy in dyslexia. — Mariah Gonzales

In third grade I thought I loved her - by sixth grade, I was sure of it — Emma Chase

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired. — John Green

Started out, Funny, sexy, zaftig Margaret Cho ... What is zaftig? Isn't that German for big fat pig? I guess I was lucky- zaftig is kind of a nice word. It could have been, Funny, sexy, OBESE Margaret Cho. — Margaret Cho

Her eyes slid closed, her secret places pulsed in anticipation, and his lips settled onto the skin beneath her ear.
That was magic.
She held perfectly still.
He pressed a kiss to her neck. Then another, lower. A third, even lower.
She squirmed.
He dropped his hands. "Sorry. I---"
"Don't stop," Kimmie whispered. — Jamie Farrell

So that's it?" Kenji says. "You just like him for his personality, huh?"
"What?"
"All of this," Kenji says, waving a hand in the air, "has nothing to do with him being all sexy and shit and him being able to touch you all the time?"
"You think Warner is sexy?"
"That is not what I said. — Tahereh Mafi

I know what party you're talking about. I might have to swing through. Especially if you're going to be there in a costume." He winked and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm going as a homeless person."
"Sexy. — Chanelle Gray

[My mother] really was an extraordinary, inspirational, tough, cool, sexy, funny woman. And that's the kind of woman I've always surrounded myself with, my friends and particularly my wife, who is not only smarter than and stronger than I am, but occasionally taller, too. I think it also goes back to my father and my stepfather, because they prized wit and resolve in the women they were with above all things and they were among the rare men who understood that recognising someone else's power doesn't diminish your own. — Joss Whedon

And there's no synthetic owners manual?" His lips twitched, smile threatening to break into a grin.

A joke. He wasn't funny. "Do you come with an owners' manual, Captain? Because I'd like to study your troubleshooting section."

"Would you like to strip me down to my nuts and bolts, and figure out what makes me tick?"

"I knew what made you tick from the moment we first met. That's why I punched you between the legs."

~ #1001 & Caleb — Pippa DaCosta

What they saw was a hero baby. That's what you are. A survivor. A strong woman. Beautiful... Funny as hell... Sexy... Sweet... — Lucian Bane

A little vanilla never hurt anybody." He nipped her ankle. "Great shoes by the way. Sexy as hell. — Hanna Lui

Be honest, but don't hurt anyone's feelings be independent, but not a loner be smart, but not a nerd be sexy, but not a slut be skinny, but don't barf up your burger be funny, but not to hide some other deficiency. — Wendy Mass

I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: 'not sexy,' 'not funny,' 'too intense,' desperate.' All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn't a trace of my true self left. — Naomi Watts

Being sexy is just one component. It's not a thing I am. It's a thing I can be. It's a side of myself I can tap into, just like I can tap into my funny side, my quirky side or my dramatic side. It's not what I am. — Eva Mendes

She had no idea how long they kissed - and kissed - but she didn't think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.
They'd heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn't looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked ... feral.
And she was his prey. — Jill Shalvis

We broke up in eighth grade when Tara-Mae Forrester offered to let me touch her boobs. And I did. — Emma Chase

Hello, beautiful. Just wrap those long, sexy legs around me and I'll ride you anywhere, any time you want." Talfryn
"This one's all yours. Go ahead, brother, wrap your long, sexy legs right around his waist and ride him all night long." Cadegan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Absence makes the clitoris grow fonder. — Cassie Mae

All human males were as fascinated with cars as they were with breasts. — Anita Clenney

Sexy." "I'm not interested in funny and sexy with Malcolm Kavanaugh." "Parker, if you weren't interested, on some level, you'd have flicked him off like lint on a lapel. He ... " Laurel searched for the right word. "He intrigues you." "No, he ... Maybe." "As your friend, let me say it's nice to see you intrigued by a man, especially since I like the — Nora Roberts

Josh squeezed her arm. "I'll behave," he murmured. "For now."
She's going to pickle your cucumbers."
"He has more than one?" Natalie whispered.
"That's between me and Kimmie," Josh replied. — Jamie Farrell

That's probably the most sincere thing that I've ever heard come out of your mouth."

Logan lowered his eyes to Tate's hand. "Now, that's not true. I was very sincere this morning when I told you that I loved sucking your - "

"Don't ruin it," Tate interrupted. — Ella Frank

No sex is better than bad sex. — Germaine Greer

I don't know ... we seemed to click right away, you know? And he's so kind but determined to protect you and me both, and well, he's nice to look at. Even with the "scar. It's kind of sexy."
I chuckled. "Do you know how that scar got there?"
She giggled. "Yeah. He told me Tristan gave it to him. But it sounded like he deserved it. Jax can be ... well, he's Jax. But I think I love him."
"I'm sure the accent has nothing to do with it." She seemed to have a thing for those.
"Oh, my God. You should hear him talk dirty with that accent of his!"
I clapped my hand over my "mouth to cover a laugh. "I don't want to know that!"
"Yes, you do. Doesn't Tristan ever talk dirty to you in all those different languages he knows?"
Hmm ... funny how I'd never thought about it. He was holding out on me! That would have to change. Next time, I swore I'd make him do it. Whenever next time might be ... — Kristie Cook

Damn! Beautiful and funny. I can't wait to see what else you're hiding behind that sexy smile. — M. Leighton