Funny Religious Quotes & Sayings

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?' — Greg Proops

If people want to compete for leadership of a religious group, they can compete in piety. A chilling thought. Or funny. — Mary Douglas

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. — Jimmy Carr

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch! — Terry Pratchett

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. — Mark Twain

I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion. — Sarah Silverman

Do you think the Bible is accurate? I mean, do you think it's real?"
"I think Pastor Calvin is hot. In a fortysomething way. That pretty much sums up my religious conviction. — Becca Fitzpatrick

It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious, but when he talks to you, you're a psychopath. — Peter Steele

It's a funny thing when you think you're dead. You're not terrified of it anymore. There's a sort of a epiphany to religious thing; it's not sort of church-based, but you end up with a serenity which you didn't have before, and I just simply enjoy it. It really does sound stupid, but I've got to tell you it's made my life. — David Lange

Life is about more that quotes about life — John Chaplin

Funny you mention my dinner parties when I have just suggested that inviting close friends over to share a meal with candlelight and wine at your table could be a form of religious experience for some people. To me it's a form of sacrament. — Sally Quinn

That's what gets converts these days," Baron said. "It's a buyers' market in apocalypse. What's hot in heresy's Armageddon. — China Mieville

Aye! Claiming to be able to keep Mountshannon safe. Funny how religious folks like that say their god will protect them - right up until someone hits them with a club." "Still, — John Flanagan

Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal. — Bauvard

Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression. — Ari Gold

Isn't it funny how far we will go to be with someone we think we love. A grown man will behave like a young boy, a young boy will do everything he can to appear like a grown man. We'll risk our reputations, sacrifice our worldly possessions, defy our parents, even our religious beliefs. We'll do illogical and foolish things, things that are impractical, wasteful, just for a moment of what we think is ecstasy on earth. — V.C. Andrews

When you're given the gift of truth, you spend a lot of time trying to tone it down because it is already offensive enough. — Shannon L. Alder

Later on, like practically everyone else in our stupid and godless society, I was to consider these two years as "my religious phase." I am glad that that now seems very funny. But it is sad that it is funny in so few cases. Because I think that practically everybody does go through such a phase, and for the majority of them, that is all that it is, a phase and nothing more. If that is so, it is their own fault: for life on this earth is not simply a series of "phases" which we more or less passively undergo. If the impulse to worship God and to adore Him in truth by the goodness and order of our own lives is nothing more than a transitory and emotional thing, that is our own fault. It is so only because we make it so, and because we take what is substantially a deep and powerful and lasting moral impetus, supernatural in its origin and in its direction, and reduce it to the level of our own weak and unstable and futile fancies and desires. — Thomas Merton

Chord substitution isn't some mysterious religious sect. — Howard Roberts

Human history's the most funny and yet the most tragic discovery will be the discovery of the religious people that all religions are man-made! And this childish discovery will enable the pious to make an intellectual jump in the upwards direction. The devout will turn into a progressive man and the history will flow faster in the progressive direction. — Mehmet Murat Ildan

Kissing, said Lesley, ought really to be taught as a school subject, preferably instead of religious studies, which nobody needed. — Kerstin Gier

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. — Billy Sunday

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween! — Gary Gulman

The funny thing is all these school shootings that we have, always happen in very religious communities. Maybe it's because the centre of their lives is a big fat nothing and it's just a fantasy and there's nothing there. I think maybe that might have something to do with it. — Matthew Bright

Which is why I'd like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a compound. And this guy not only operates outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats. That's right. The pope is coming to America this week, and, ladies, he's single! — Bill Maher

People have sex, even the religious ones. Yet, when sex is transferred into words, suddenly it's dirty, vulgar, immoral, trashy. Funny huh? — Hector Himeros

On the Taliban: That ethos was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs. The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the subjugation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey

I have never pretended to be any kind of super-religious kind of man, but I feel very strongly that you can be funny without being dirty. — Jonathan Winters

Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny. — Jack Black

Have you heard the latest word from Arrakis?" the Baron asked. "No, Uncle." Feyd-Rautha forced himself not to look back. He turned down the hall out of the servants' wing. "They've a new prophet or religious leader of some kind among the Fremen," the Baron said. "They call him Muad'Dib. Very funny, really. It means 'the Mouse.' I've told Rabban to let them have their religion. It'll keep them occupied. — Frank Herbert