Funny Parenting Quotes & Sayings

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain. — Jim Gaffigan

Man proposes, but God blocks the game. — Mark Twain

People worried too much about their children. Suffering when you're young is good for you. It immunized your body and soul ... — Jeannette Walls

For me, Twitter works best as a way of taking pictures of being stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. If people really want to read really funny quips about life, parenting, and pop culture, then by all means read Michael Ian Black's tweets. — Michael Showalter

Interesting how fashion is cyclical," Jaccob said when she came out of the store with two black plastic bags. "Goth was the look when I was young, too."
"It's not a look," Chuck said. "I'm just wearing my feelings on the outside."
"Uh huh." His phone buzzed. "Hang on a second."
He rolled up his sleeve to check his HUD, but the call hadn't come through there.
Huh. He had to pick up his phone and check the read-out, which listed a phone number: an old school page. "That's funny ... "
"Dad, you're doing that thing again," Chuck said.
"What thing?" Jaccob asked.
"That thing where you have to check every single doohickey you carry around."
"I am not." Jaccob took his hand out of his coat pocket, where he'd been reaching to check his police scanner or music player (he hadn't decided which to use first). — Erik Scott De Bie

Rome & Greece swept Art into their maw & destroy'd it; a Warlike State never can produce Art. It will Rob & Plunder & accumulate into one place, & Translate & Copy & Buy & Sell & Criticize, but not Make. — William Blake

You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied."
"Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface. — Dianne F. Gray

I needed something else, some kind of juice.
He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water.
Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It's fantastic. — Norman Ollestad

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt. — S.K. Tremayne

Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating. Now that I've had kids, I can say with certainty that, my children really are the cutest things on this planet and every little thing they do is endlessly fascinating ... — Jennifer Miller

Screaming at children over their grades, especially to the point of the child's tears, is child abuse, pure and simple. It's not funny and it's not good parenting. It is a crushing, scarring, disastrous experience for the child. It isn't the least bit funny. — Ben Stein

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. — Rodney Dangerfield

Our parents would not be 'The best parents in the world' (to us) if they were not our parents. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Mostly good is enough. Mostly good produces healthy kids who know they are valued and either forget the other parts or turn them into funny stories. — Jen Hatmaker

For every guy who loves being a dad, there's another who realizes too late that he's created something his wife loves more than him. — Mark R. Brand

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.' I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father's knee being inducted into the world of abusive epithets. — Craig Russell

You don't have to have an attitude if you're famous. — Adriana Lima

No, brother, I'm sane. What drives people crazy is trying to live outside reality. Reality is terrible. It can kill you. Given time, it certainly will kill you. The reality is pain- you said that! But it's the lies, the evasions of reality, that drive you crazy. It's the lies that make you want to kill yourself. — Ursula K. Le Guin

For men tied fast to the absolute, bled of their differences, drained of their dreams by authoritarian leeches until nothing but pulp is left, become a massive, sick Thing whose sheer weight is used ruthlessly by ambitious men. Here is the real enemy of the people: our own selves dehumanized into the masses. And where is the David who can slay this giant? — Lillian Smith

What a funny girl, I thought, and then I realized something. To the three-year-old ye, and maybe even to the thirty year old eye, weeds and grass look very similar. Same color, same feeling, same texture. — Angie Smith

Each generation has been an education for us in different ways. The first child-with-bloody-nose was rushed to the emergency room. The fifth child-with-bloody-nose was told to go to the yard immediately and stop bleeding on the carpet. — Art Linkletter

Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.
This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled. — T.J. Klune

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex. — Spuds Crawford

If the purpose of your life is to seek happiness, you will be happy even if you are not a success. — Debasish Mridha

Is privacy about government security agents decrypting your e-mail and then kicking down the front door with their jackboots? Or is it about telemarketers interrupting your supper with cold calls? It depends. Mainly, of course, it depends on whether you live in a totalitarian or a free society. — James Gleick

I'm now a pretty good mix of my mother and my stepfather because I'm in general pretty mellow. I'm not hyper-emotional. But there's also this side of me - my mother was an artist and very funny and a dancer and very wild and into fashion. My stepfather traveled a lot, and I kind of took on a role of parenting my mother a lot of times, because she was pretty hard to handle. A bit of a pistol. — Tig Notaro

And they certainly wouldn't take you along to a murder. That would be irresponsible parenting. — Kelley Armstrong

I really like 'Shameless' because it brings up important issues, but we get to talk and laugh and look at something that's really important that's a problem, like alcoholism and bad parenting. It's done in a funny, smart way. — Justin Chatwin

Abbot, I think, gave me credit for being a sort of infantine Guy Fawkes. On — Charlotte Bronte

I think cruelty is just loneliness disguised as bitterness. — Tom Hiddleston

Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby. — Jim Gaffigan

Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache. — Jeff Abbott