Funny No Credit Quotes & Sayings

If you give a little credit to the concept of the artist, I think you ought to indulge excesses a bit, because that reflects the personality of the writer. Now if a joke is in bad taste or it's not funny, okay, that's awhole different thing, but how you craft a joke is really what the writer's job is, and I don't think that technique should be subject to any editorial constraints. — Bill Watterson

All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy's credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn't be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty. — Hannah Harrington

If this prinicpal thinks blogging isn't educational, he needs his head examined: he should be seeking out every student blogger in the school and giving them special time to blog more - and giving them extra credit besides. — Cory Doctorow

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. — Rich Vos

Vampires have credit cards?"
"We're undead, not Amish. — Jennifer Colgan

Give yourself some credit," he went on, "not a lot of silkies would have made it this far."
"I stopped you from killing Chorda," (...)
"Hey, come one," Rafe said. "It's your first time in the Feral Zone. Of course you made mistakes."
"Like falling for the wrong boy?" I'd said it to be funny, since he was always teasing me about Everson, but Rafe grew still.
He turned his gaze on the dark skyline. "No, you didn't. He's a stiff, but he's a good guy, he won't crawl out of your window after you fall asleep or come on to your sister."
"I don't have a sister."
"Missing the point. — Kat Falls

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance! — Mitch Hedberg

Answer, only left the room. She might have asked him if something was wrong, might even have gone after him and asked him if he was sick to his stomach - he was sexually uninhibited, but he could be oddly prim about other things, and it wouldn't be at all unlike him to say he was going to take a bath when what he really had to do was whoops something which hadn't agreed with him. But now a new family, the Piscapos, were being introduced, and Patty just knew Richard Dawson would find something funny to say about that name, and besides, she was having the devil's own time finding a black button, although she knew there were loads of them in the button box. They hid, of course; that was the only explanation ... So she let him go and did not think of him again until the credit-crawl, when she — Stephen King

It's so funny because I haven't set foot in a grocery store in years, you know. And that's so embarrassing ... I kept going, 'What's this?' "First of all I had the cart and I was riding down the aisles standing on it. And there's nobody there but us. And we got in the checkout. And I'm seeing this square thing, and I'm like, "What's this you guys?" And Missy just looked at me. And they said, "That's so you can use your credit card." And I said, "You can use your credit cards in grocery stores now? — Janet Jackson

Susan was a tough-minded romantic. She wanted to fall in love with a book. She always had reasons for her devotions, as an astute reader would, but she was, to her credit, probably the most emotional one among us. Susan could fall in love with a book in more or less the way one falls in love with a person. Yes, you can provide, if asked, a list of your loved one's lovable qualities: he's kind and funny and smart and generous and he knows the names of trees.
But he's also more than amalgamation of qualities. You love him, the entirety of him, which can't be wholly explained by even the most exhaustive explication of his virtues. And you love him no less for his failings. O.K., he's bad with money, he can be moody sometimes, and he snores. His marvels so outshine the little complaints as to render them ridiculous. — Michael Cunningham

And so really, you have given me no choice but to take you shopping by
force." She sighed, then reached up, dropping her sunglasses down from
their perch on her head to cover her eyes. "Do you even realize how happy
the average teenage girl would be in your shoes? I have a credit card. We're
at the mall. I want to buy you things. It's like adolescent nirvana."
- Cora — Sarah Dessen

Its funny whenever people who have'nt seen me in years meet up with me again and they are surprised that I'm not as shy and quiet as I was in the past, I credit that to my years of drinking at bars and partys and conversing with people I would never useally talk to, it was then I relized that even without drinking I could still talk to people just as easy. But It is still a little funner with a few beers in me. — Kenny D. Eichenberg

Saying women aren't funny is now like saying Asians can't drive or saying black people have bad credit. It's just really, like, so obsolete. — Whitney Cummings

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't
scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and
not have a full on panic attack. — Bill Burr

Orgasms are a myth. Like good credit scores. — Kelly Moran

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines. — Roseanne Barr

I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven, and really wanting to do things so badly. — Hilary Duff

Well I'm not going to hope that you get hurt, but if you do, remember that you're my damsel in distress, and no one is allowed to carry you."

"I don't remember signing a contract."

"All the more reason to promise me now."

"What if you're not around when I get hurt?"

"Send word, I'll come running."

"How big an injury does it have to be? Because sometimes I do this thing when I stand up too quickly and my ankle kind of twists a little---"

"Sounds serious. You don't want to put any weight on that. I'd better carry you the next time that happens."

"What if I skin my knee?"

"I'll carry you."

"Charley horse?"

"I'll carry you."

"Chipped toenail?"

"Not worth taking a risk. I'll carry you."

I grin at him [...] I have to admit -- he's funnier and smarter than I've given him credit for. — Claire LaZebnik

Warren made a noise, the first one I'd heard out of him since we'd come into the room. I'd have been happier if he hadn't sounded scared.
"Easy, Warren," Adam told him. "You're safe here."
"If you die on us, you won't be," said Kyle with a growl that would have done credit to any of the werewolves in the room. — Patricia Briggs

What did you think of him?" Cade asked.
"Give me some credit," Zach said. "Guy's more full of shit than a duck pond. — Christopher Farnsworth

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself. — Victor Gischler

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit. — Ron White

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary ... I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent. — Cuthbert Soup