Funny Jim Norton Quotes & Sayings

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open — Jim Norton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil. — Jim Norton

I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle. — Jim Norton

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined. — Jim Norton

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her. — Jim Norton

I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice. — Jim Norton

For the record, I hate skiing ... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD. — Jim Norton

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married. — Jim Norton

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids. — Jim Norton

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist! — Jim Norton

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood. — Jim Norton

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester? — Jim Norton

You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell. — Jim Norton

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly. — Jim Norton

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades. — Jim Norton

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire. — Jim Norton

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living. — Jim Norton

God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve. — Jim Norton

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic. — Jim Norton

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim? — Jim Norton

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child. — Jim Norton

I don't pull out because ... it's not my problem. — Jim Norton

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody. — Jim Norton

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated. — Jim Norton

They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar. — Jim Norton

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future. — Jim Norton