Funny Humor Birthday Quotes & Sayings

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. — Rodney Dangerfield

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!". — Russell Howard

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. — Steven Wright

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual ... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying ... — Craig Ferguson

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" — Jimmy Carr

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people ... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud! — George Lopez

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. — Steven Wright

I had a dream about you. You had no skin or muscle on your face, and to try to conceal your bare skull you liberally applied lipstick and makeup. Your birthday was coming up, and I knew you were probably sensitive about parties that emphasize the aging process, so I decided to box up your gift in a coffin and wrap it with black wrapping paper. I got you the best gift ever too - a hooker, who happened to be dead, because that enabled me to procure a sizeable discount. — Dora J. Arod

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much." — Frank Carson