Funny H&s Quotes & Sayings

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food". — Carla H. Krueger

Jesus H. Christ on ice and Mary in the penalty box! — Rob Sheffield

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law. — Carla H. Krueger

The bartender put a notepad and a pencil before me. Breathing hard, the pencil trembling, I wrote:
Dear Sinclair Lewis:
You were once a god, but now you are a swine. I once reverenced you, admired you, and now you are nothing. I came to shake your hand in adoration, you, Lewis, a giant among American writers, and you rejected it. I swear I shall never read another line of yours again. You are an ill-mannered boor. You have betrayed me. I shall tell H. L. Muller about you, and how you have shamed me. I shall tell the world.
Arturo Bandini
P.S. I hope you choke on your steak. — John Fante

That one doesn't count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you? — H.S. Crow

John Whately lived about a mile from town,
Up where the hills began to huddle thick;
We never thought his wits were very quick,
Seeing the way he let his farm run down.
He used to waste his time on some queer books
He'd found around the attic of his place,
Till funny lines got creased into his face,
And folks all said they didn't like his looks.
When he began those night-howls we declared
He'd better be locked up away from harm,
So three men from the Aylesbury town farm
Went for him - but came back alone and scared.
They'd found him talking to two crouching things
That at their step flew off on great black wings. — H.P. Lovecraft

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own. — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time. — L.H. Thomson

Sometimes I wish my brain didn't always have to warn me about things. Stupid people seem to live such easy, carefree lives. — L. H. Cosway

It is to "get" at a gut level the paradigm that there are paradigms, and to see that that itself is a paradigm, and to regard that whole realization as devastatingly funny. — Donella H. Meadows

You know," he says, voice still low."I have had nothing but trouble since you walked into my life." "I'd walk straight back out of it if only you'd let me. — L. H. Cosway

Could you bring me to Rita's house before we go to the airport?" I ask. "There's one last thing I need to ask her to do." "That is on the other side of the river," says Ethan."I know. But I need to see her. Please, I'll be eternally grateful." He doesn't say anything, but instead puts the car in gear and starts the engine. After we are driving for about two minutes he asks. "How grateful?" Ah, I see the old Ethan hasn't disappeared then. I smile and lean over to place a light peck on his cheek. "This grateful," I say to him."Hmm, I think you can do better than that," he chides in good humor.
"You're driving," is all I say in reply.
"I can pull over," he answers smartly. — L. H. Cosway

Char is beautiful, smart, funny, and I love the way our bodies communicate with one another. It's as if she was made for me." ~ Riley — T.H. Snyder

I'm pretty sure my stomach has a sliver in it from rubbing up against my backbone, so back off, bitch. — H.J. Bellus

Sorry, Toby," said Max, plucking up the smee by one end. "This will have to do." He unceremoniously dunked the creature into a nearby pitcher of water. "Better?"
"Invigorated," groused the smee. "And now I will ask you to kindly put me down and never to grab me by that particular part of my anatomy again."
Horrified, Max promptly dropped the smee onto its pillow. — Henry H. Neff

As W.H. Auden pointed out, the Reaper takes the rolling in money, the screamingly funny, and those who are very well hung. But that isn't where Auden starts his list. He starts with the innocent young. — Stephen King

Want to enjoy an restful day? Wake up, turn your phone on, meditate, look at the sky - then toss your phone into the bushes. — Waylon H. Lewis

You know, I said I have this problem that I need to more carefully read Akron's text because it's too much, too much fantasy, and so I am busy with other stuff - it's funny, it's nice to hear that someone is studying that carefully and now I know a little bit more about that. — H.R. Giger

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. — W. H. Auden

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. — H.W.L. Poonja

Surely my lord will not hide his beautiful white legs! exclaimed Infadoos regretfully.
But Good persisted, and once only did the Kukuana people get the chance of seeing his beautiful legs again. Good is a very modest man. Henceforward they had to satisfy their aesthetic longings with his one whisker, his transparent eye, and his movable teeth. — H. Rider Haggard

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt. — H.M. Ward

The way he's looking at me makes me feel all funny and hot, so I hand him the cotton wool.
"There. You can finish yourself off," I say, standing up.
I have to resist the urge to face palm when I see the size of his smile. Sometimes I think my brain might just be a gaping hole containing nothing but unconscious innuendo. — L. H. Cosway

The only reason why you were WWE Champion for a year, is because Triple H didn't want to work Tuesdays. — Paul Heyman

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. — Carla H. Krueger

It's so funny because, when the other world was being hatched and conceived, I just kept hearing, "Don't do that! That's a huge mistake! People love your characters. Why go to these new ones?" And I was like, "No, we can do this! I'm invested. Why wouldn't they be?" — J.H. Wyman

Most girls take one look at you and swoon. You've never had to really work for someone's affection or put effort into maintaining it. In many ways, your natural gifts have done you a disservice
they've stunted your sensitivity and charm! You've never had to develop insight into what will make a girl laugh and come to love you for reasons that aren't handsome or heroic. That's why smees are experts on the subtle arts of courtship and seduction; nothing comes easy to us, but we do understand and live by the Lover's Maxim."
"And what on earth is the Lover's Maxim?" asked Maz, feeling very uninformed.
The smee cleared his throat. "If you can't be handsome, be rich. If you can't be rich, be strong. If you cant be strong, be witty."
"But what if you can't be witty?" Max wondered.
"Learn the guitar. — Henry H. Neff

Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.
"But the sword said it, like I tell you."
"Talkative weapon," remarked Sir Grummore skeptically. — T.H. White

He's sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an apple
with a pocket knife, a red apple that he has quite obviously appropriated from my fruit bowl, might I add. — L. H. Cosway

Aunt Mercy put down her tiles, one at a time. I-T-C-H-I-N.
Aunt Grace leaned closer to the board, squinting. "Mercy Lynne, you're cheatin' again! What kinda word is that? Use it in a sentence."
"I'm itchin' ta have some a that white cake."
"That's not how you spell it." At least one of them could spell. Aunt Grace pulled one of the tiles off the board. "There's no T in itchin'." Or not. — Margaret Stohl

If you want to think about something really funny, kiddo, consider the fact that our favorite modern bad guys became villains by serving as heroes first
to millions. It is now a necessary apprenticeship. — William H Gass

I think it's possible - perhaps even necessary - to find comedy in any war. I mean, look at the brilliant work which was done by Joseph Heller and Richard Hooker (M*A*S*H) and Jaroslav Hasek (The Good Soldier Svejk - which I haven't read, but have heard was funny). — Dave Abrams

It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. — H.L. Mencken

I'm bi-lots of things but lingual isn't one of them. Wait, did I mean to say that? — Triple H

Life isn't over until you're dead. Another ultra-positive, ultra-motivational tweet to improve your day. You're welcome. — Carla H. Krueger

In the common room, they found Emer dozing in her chair, Lila scratching at the door, and Mine stirring a large pot and peering at its contents with an anxious, irritated expression. With a groan, the Archmage strode across the room and flung open the windows.
"It just needs more basil," Mine assured him. "No, it does not," Bram declared. "It needs less garlic. Didn't I tell you to follow a recipe?"
"I did follow a recipe!" Shouted Mine, defiantly flinging the rest of the basil into the pot.
"Show it to me, then."
"I threw it in the fire!"
"What have I told you about lying, child?"
"To get better at it! — Henry H. Neff

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. — H.L. Mencken

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself — H.L. Mencken

I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation. — H.G.Wells

Dachshund: A half-a-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long. — H.L. Mencken

Why do I always have to remind you to look to where the danger waits, Warrior. Sheesh, what would you do without me?
"Uh, not be a murderous psycho?"
Very funny. — H.D. Gordon

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. — H.L. Mencken

I hope they make a show like M*A*S*H, which dealt with a lot of difficult subject matter but was very funny. — Joan Severance

You need a job and I need a PA, why don't you come and work for me?"
"No thanks, God knows what being your PA would involve."
He laughs. "Well it would involve the usual, faxing, filing, answering the phones, taking
bookings, relieving my sexual needs, etcetera."
"Yeah I thought as much." I tell him, my tone doing all the rejecting for me.
"Seriously though, the offer stands. Think it over." He tells me in a soft voice.
"I don't have PA experience."
"I'll teach you," he says, in a tone that insinuates other things.
"Sure."
He lowers his voice. "I think I'd enjoy teaching you things."
"Can't say I w-would enjoy it." Yeah, right.
"You stuttered," he says — L. H. Cosway

Do you sleep in a coffin?" Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.
"Of course not," he laughs loudly. "I sleep in a bed." A pause. "Would you like to see it? — L. H. Cosway

Avery: Yeah right, very funny, when are you going to shoot me and dump my body at captree? This is Getting old. — H.M. Ward

I didn't get far when he was suddenly behind me. He looped his finger through my belt and practically
dragged me to the corner he'd been standing in.
"What the fu ... ."
"Stay still," he ordered. "I need you to block the wind."
I didn't have any snappy comebacks, so I simply stood there, amazed by his gruffness. Hadn't anyone ever taught him simple manners? When I looked at him, I thought that maybe they hadn't. I could easily imagine him as a little Mowgli type, being raised by animals in the jungle. — L. H. Cosway

I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job. — George H. W. Bush

Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.
- Jane — J.R. Ward

Being normal is overrated. Normal gets you what - the dolt husband with the 2.5 kids and the house with the dog? You seriously want that? I mean, one of those kids is going to be really funny looking, by the way, all cut in half like that. Who wants half a kid? — H.M. Ward

Cats can be very funny, and have the oddest ways of showing they're glad to see you ... — W. H. Auden

To truly fail in life is to never try. When you fall on your face, it is an opportunity for you to find the road again. It may remind you how hard the road is, but you will never forget its presence once you make contact. — H.L. Stephens

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells. — H.M. Ward

You know, it was just another presentation of my work, and a funny one, because the cards are quite different from the normal Tarot deck, no? — H.R. Giger

Well, clearly not. Goodness boss, just look at those filthy paws. I've never seen any fish carry paws like those. Usually they are cleaner. — H.S. Crow

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop — H.L. Mencken

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day. — H. L. Hunt

The character and the actor in a long-running series slowly become one. I think there must be funny stories about actors who, in the pilot for a TV series, did some weird thing with their eyes, or some speech impediment or something, and the next thing you know, it's eight years later, and they're still doing that freaking gag. — William H. Macy

To cut a long story short, I'm a writer. — Carla H. Krueger

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. — H.L. Mencken

Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.
This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled. — T.J. Klune

A lot of brainless unicorns swaggering about and calling themselves educated just because they can push each other off a horse with a bit of a stick! It makes me tired. — T.H. White

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something. — H.M. Ward

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are? By his words you'd think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I'm off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he'd be like, oh no please don't do that. In
reality, he'd have to kill me. — L. H. Cosway

See you in the funny pages...mate — Daniel H. Wilson

There was a great joke that was forever doing the rounds in the jail and it was probably funny not because it had a humorous punchline but because it was so very true at a deep psychological level. Put anyone in that jail and soon enough they'd actually become a cruel, twisted, sadistic and heartless thug. And some of the prisoners were just as bad. — H.M. Forester