Funny Graduation Quotes & Sayings

I too turned to Webster's Dictionary and it defined Harvard University as a season for gathering crops. — Andy Samberg

When I made coffee and Xeroxed and distributed newspapers at ABC News, I thought my life was over. — Katie Couric

This is a perfect example of the power and ridiculousness of a website like Wikipedia. I did give a slightly contentious graduation speech, where I decided not to be funny as my classmates had hoped, which was why I was chosen. I was not valedictorian, that's for sure. Instead, I talked about the failure to communicate between the administration and the teachers and students. That's what was contentious about it. At some point, somebody wrote about that incident on my Wikipedia page. And then somebody added the bit about me exposing my genitals to the crowd. — Nick Kroll

As you set off into the world, don't be afraid to question your leaders. But don't ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky. — Will Ferrell

I can tell you how bad our boards are ... I don't have to watch Saturday Night Live anymore; I just go to the board meetings. — Carl Icahn

I graduated in 1989, and I'd focused almost entirely on the Soviet Union and communism ... so when the Berlin wall fell, I was, well, I was screwed. — Anderson Cooper

When I was here there was still a requirement that students had to swim 50 yards to graduate ... because Harry Elkins Widener had drowned with the sinking of the Titanic. And it made me very grateful at the time that he had not gone down in a plane crash. — Barney Frank

When you work for other people you'll find ... that they do know what's best for them, and for the company. And you should listen to them and be respectful, but they don't know what's best for you. — Mike Judge

I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech. — Art Buchwald

You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think. — Elbert Hubbard

Now I usually try not to give advice. Information, yes, advice, no. But, what has worked for me may not work for you. Well, take for instance what has worked for me. Wigs. Tight clothes. Push-up bras. — Dolly Parton

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer. — Eric Idle

I wish that someone had said to me that it's normal to feel lost for a little while. — Ira Glass

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. — Anthony Jeselnik

A relentless focus on the outward markers of success can lead to complacency. It can make you lazy. — Barack Obama

I was a Democrat before I was a Republican before I became an independent and I never changed my principles. — Michael Bloomberg

Pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower! — John Green

There is no delete button for bigotry. — Tom Brokaw

Whoever invented spray cheese had to have been a Harvard guy. — Seth MacFarlane

People will say you can't do good and do well. They're wrong, that's idiotic advice. — Soledad O'Brien

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.' — Eugene Mirman

Become goddesses of disobedience. — Naomi Wolf

Try putting your iPhones down every once in a while and look at people's faces. — Amy Poehler

Pay off your student loan. Even if you don't have a job ... Because when you finally get a job you're going to be one of us. — Bill Cosby

Remember that there's no one way of doing things ... If you just get a hammer and hit it really hard, whatever it is, I guarantee you it'll open. — Fred Armisen

I don't want to die ... I don't want to die poor. Two great motivators in the history of human cultures. — Neil DeGrasse Tyson