Funny Got Fired Quotes & Sayings

We all looked at Shelton, who rolled his eyes. "Like my vote matters now."
Hi patted his back. "If it makes you feel better, your vote's never mattered."
"Hilarious." Shelton rubbed his face. "I hope my parole officer finds you as funny."
I sprang up and hurried for the exit, stopping Chance with a hand on his shoulder. "Give me a second alone with Ben. He's still worked up, probably needs a few minutes to decompress."
Chance's expression soured, but he held back.
Hi fired a shooter my way. "Good idea. We need him mission focused. Rodger dodger."
Shelton covered his face with his hands. "Enough already. — Kathy Reichs

She got fired?" Confusion laced Gavin's voice. "When?"
"This morning," Dante muttered.
"Why?" Gavin asked. "What did she do?"
"Me," Dante said.
"Oh." A moment of silence passed before Gavin broke out into laughter. "Ah man, really? She lost her job for fucking around with you?"
"I don't see why that's so funny."
"Because," Gavin said, "you're the worst consolation prize ever."
Dante shot right back up, and Matty barely had enough time to move out of the way before the bottle of water hurled by him, hitting Gavin in the chest. — J.M. Darhower

If the thoughts from us had the same balance as colors from our Nature peace was a normal behave in this world. — Jan Jansen

Quality control is applicable to any kind of enterprise. In fact, it must be applied in every enterprise. — Kaoru Ishikawa

It was funny to be an emcee, because you're so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400 - and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. — John Mulaney

I love insults, devastating takedowns, things that could be described by Twitter hacks as 'shots fired,' and funny ad hominem attacks. — Alex Pareene

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. — Steven Wright

So," said Wood, at long last, jerking Harry from a wistful fantasy about what he could be eating for breakfast at this very moment up at the castle, "is that clear? Any questions?"
"I've got a question, Oliver," said George, who had woken with a start. "Why couldn't you have told us yesterday when we were awake? — J.K. Rowling

You realize people like you and Trav are going to fight, right?" America said, filing her nails as she chewed the huge wad of gum in her mouth.
I turned over on the bed. "You are officially fired. You are a terrible conscious. — Jamie McGuire

here's probably something ironic about werewolves gathering in the back of a Piggly Wiggly, but — Elliott James

The building is an old strip club. The sign reads "Fuzzy Holes." That's a funny name for a club. On the sign below the name is reads "We fired the ugly one. Come on in! — Joseph Zuko

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired." — Jim Gaffigan

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, "OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell." — Margaret Cho

Torn clothes are funny ... until your dad gets fired. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You slutty, little whore." Her lips twisted cruelly. The sun hit her eyes and reflected a flaming red color, her pupils narrowing.I should have been terrified, but instead I just felt exhausted and really, really annoyed. I took a deep breath, anger wrapping around my muscles.I was done - so done - with this bullshit. I strode towards her."Little?" I said. "If you're going to insult me, at least make me a big, slutty whore. Little makes me sound so incompetent. — Stacey Marie Brown

Too much nicety of detail disgusts the greatest part of readers, and to throw a multitude of particulars under general heads, and lay down rules of extensive comprehension, is to common understandings of little use. — Samuel Johnson

Every time you use a coffeemaker for your morning cappuccino, you are benefiting from the fragility of the coffeemaking entrepreneur who failed. He failed in order to help put the superior merchandise on your kitchen counter. — Nassim Nicholas Taleb

If you don't think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days. — Kris Carr

I'm not like a politician that goes around talking about family values. And I can't get fired from being a funny person because I did something that most people are disapproving of. I think people are just obsessed with this morality that people perceive as being the right and wrong way of doing stuff. — Steve Coogan

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting fired?"
Don't say the pens, don't say the pens, don't say the pens . . .
"I've nicked loads of pens."
"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. — Lindsey Kelk

My cheerleader part in 'Fired Up!' is really funny. — Julianna Guill

That amazing thing doesn't need my poem, but my poem still needs it, the way every poem still needs all the world. — Clive James

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired. — Ellen DeGeneres

I'm telling you that there is no silver bullet to keep home prices from going down or to prevent all foreclosures. — Henry Paulson

It's funny, when you become an actor and you're successful, they don't want to talk about acting any more. 'Hey let's talk about that stuff you were fired from.' — Nicholas Brendon

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. — Steven Wright

People in LA seem to have no concept of the time outside of their city. I've been trained for thirty years in the film industry of having whether its agents, lawyers, actors, or whoever calling up all night. — Matthew Vaughn

One viewer - a Mr. Dionne from California... fired off an angry, rambling letter, complaining haughtily that "the most disciplined attention I could give [The Cube] was a belch from the grave of Marcus Aurelius, occasioned, I might add, by the dead weight of its own dust caving in on itself." Two weeks later came Jim's one-sentence response:

Dear Mr. Dionne:
What the fuck are you talking about?
Yours truly,
JIM HENSON — Brian Jay Jones

Once we know that people are human and have some Homer Simpson in them, then there's a lot that can be done to manipulate them. — Cass Sunstein

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway. — Wallace Wang

Cousin Joshua was frustrated by the authorities when he fired upon the president of the University, who in his opinion was little more than a sewage disposal expert. This was no doubt true, but an idle excuse for assault with a deadly wapon. After much passing around of money Cousin Joshua was moved across the tracks and placed in state accommodations for the irresponsible, where he remained for the rest of his days. — Harper Lee