Funny Freaking Quotes & Sayings

I'm twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I'm the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all. — H.J. Bellus

St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer.
It's a freaking soap opera. — Stephanie Perkins

Is your butt buzzing?
Cole, you have the worst timing! I jerked upright, tring to pull my phone out of my pocket and managing instead to bang my elbow against the wall.
Ow! Oh, shit that hurts! You know, the guy who decided it should be a funny bone was just a freaking masochist. Or is it a sadist? I always get those mixed up. — Jennifer Rardin

Wait," he said, pulling me to a stop when I tried to march off toward my destiny. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
I looked at him, trying to think of anything I'd done recently that I needed to admit to. When nothing came to mind other than the usual, I shook my head. "Not really. Why?"
He reached out and touched my leather jacket. "Is that a bullet hole?"
Freaking great. — Jaye Wells

He took a long draw then asked, "What'd I do?"
"You knew about the guy threatening my dad?"
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn't funny. "They told you?"
"Why, no, Swopes, they didn't. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher's knife. — Darynda Jones

Adam pressed his hand to his face. Sighed. Right. It's just that ... He died. And I'm so freaking pissed off, I swear I'd punch him in the face if he were standing right here. — Kristina McBride

Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?"
"Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth."
"Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms. — MaryJanice Davidson

The character and the actor in a long-running series slowly become one. I think there must be funny stories about actors who, in the pilot for a TV series, did some weird thing with their eyes, or some speech impediment or something, and the next thing you know, it's eight years later, and they're still doing that freaking gag. — William H. Macy

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

I told you not to drink that much water on the drive," Sarah told her. "You never listen to me."
"Sorry I don't have the bladder of a freaking sloth."
"You mean camel," Sarah corrected.
"I meant sloth," the other girl said. "I read somewhere they only have to go once a week. — Alexandra Bracken

Damn it. Reyes could be such a butthead. Freaking Antichrists. — Darynda Jones

Claire elbowed him. 'You must be feeling better.'
'Seems like it, doesn't it?'
That, she thought with a sudden rush of disquiet, was not an answer. It was an evasion. 'Are you feeling better?'
'If by better you mean much more aware than I ought to be of the fact that there are freaking vampires all over the place, then yes, much better. But I'm dealing with it.'
'If you can't, will you let me know?'
'Sure thing. I'll let out a howl.'
'Not funny.'
'Well, in my defense, it wasn't really meant to be. I mean, I might literally howl. — Rachel Caine

He rolled his eyes. " What Claire?"Claire snickered. " Corned-beef again?"Henry narrowed his eyes at her. " I like corned-beef, leave me alone."Claire laughed as he took a big bite of his sandwich while glaring at her. Ethan giggled as he watched the two of them. " What's so funny?" Henry asked Ethan around a mouthful of food, making him giggle some more. " Ew, Henry, that's gross," Claire groaned. Then Henry stopped her heart by winking at her. He freaking winked at her! Who the hell is this guy?! Claire gaped at him, trying to figure out who this person was. Henry rolled his green eyes at her. " What now?" he asked after swallowing his food. " Who are you and what have you done with Henry Beck?" Claire demanded. Henry gave her a bored look, but that couldn't hide the slight blush on his cheeks. " Whatever. — Andria Large

Green Lantern: "What are your powers anyway? You can't fly."
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Super-strength?"
Batman: "No."
Green Lantern: "Hold on a second ... You're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me?! — Geoff Johns

I walked to the door where Clovis waited. When I looked up, he was staring at Adam. A quick glance backward confirmed Adam was returning his stare. Freaking males, I thought, they couldn't be more obvious about their territorial dispute if they'd both peed on me. — Jaye Wells

Be a Samurai.
Because you just never know what's behind the freaking sky. — Laini Taylor