Funny Doug Quotes & Sayings

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. — Doug Stanhope

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. — Doug Stanhope

Could I pick some flowers for Miranda?' I asked.
'You cannot take these flowers,' said Zoran. 'They belong to the government. — Doug MacLeod

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope

No one here is allowed to die without my permission. — Doug MacLeod

Making modern games funny would be easy as pie if it was anybody's goal to actually make a funny game. — Doug TenNapel

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was. — Doug Dorst

I feel like I'm going to die,' he says.
'Could we talk for a few minutes before you die?'
'Only if you do it quietly.'
'I met this girl last night. I need your advice.'
'Come back later.'
'No. You might be dead. — Doug MacLeod

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. — Doug Stanhope

My knowledge of Vancouver and Canada was limited to what I knew about Bob and Doug McKenzie. I thought they were funny, talking out of the sides of their mouths and saying 'eh' and wearing toques. — Peter DeLuise

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

Are you sure this is a good idea?' I ask.
'No,' says Amber. 'Let's do it. — Doug MacLeod

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. — Doug Stanhope

Let's see if your right foot is as fearless as your mouth. — Doug Solter

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. — Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead. — Doug MacLeod

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject. — Doug Benson

When we go to see comedians or funny movies, they don't address the wall behind them; they face us. This is why a game's first job is to entertain through gameplay and secondarily through humor, drama, or other traditional entertainment devices. The humor has to be a gentleman. I mean, it needs to be squeezed in around the game. — Doug TenNapel

I'll drop you back to test driver so fast it will make your bra snap. — Doug Solter

When I came out to Hollywood in 1985, I thought that I would be sitcom star. I'm a tall, skinny, goofy guy. I thought that I would make a great funny neighbor, or wacky office mate, in a sitcom. — Doug Jones

Once I had asked, 'But are you a Democrat or a Republican?" and Jonathan said, "I'm socially progressive but fiscally conservative," and Doug Miles, a football player who also came to Sunday breakfast but only ever read the sports section and ignored everyone, lifted his head and said, "Is that like being bisexual?" Which I actually thought was funny, even though I was pretty sure Doug was a jerk. — Curtis Sittenfeld

Herein find fiction full of whimsy, wit, hurt, and terror. Wicked, as in wickedly funny, is in the mix, too, along with a prose style both seductive and sly. Any one of Doug Watson's first collection of stories, The Era of Not Quite, can mend a broken world. — Christine Schutt

When I play a game, I want to play, not necessarily laugh. If you try to make me laugh at the expense of interactivity, then you've just created another funny game that isn't very fun. The videogame medium itself is a terrible place for complicated humor, drama, and character development. — Doug TenNapel

I'm not scared any more,' said Midge. 'Thank you, Kevin. Sometimes you can be very kind.'
'Yes,' said Kevin. 'And if you tell that to any of the other trolls I will pull off your nose and feed it to a bear. — Doug MacLeod

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. — Doug Stanhope

Can I see some ID?"
"WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID ... THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN."
Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out. — Adam Rex

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. — Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. — Doug Stanhope

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. — Doug Linder

Yes! Yes! There's the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi? — Doug Solter

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords. — Doug Solter

You don't understand,' I said. 'I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I'm in love.'
'I do understand,' said Zoran. 'It was same for me with Mrs Zoran when I first meet her. But the feeling goes away after few hours. — Doug MacLeod

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! — Doug Stanhope

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader. — Jerry Coleman

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope

I think it's love.'
'Funny.'
'I'm serious.'
'And your support for this is ... ?'
'A feeling.'
'You need more than that. — Doug Dorst

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. — Doug Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope