Funny Die Quotes & Sayings

Rule number four for me as a writer? Plotlines are like sharks: They either keep moving or they die. ~J.R. Ward — J.R. Ward

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program. — Jeanne Calment

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live. — Mignon McLaughlin

I'm really feeling more like a Harry Potter to your Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."
"Harry Potter? Someone is awful full of themselves."
"And this way Charlie can be always-loyal and cooler than cool Neville Longbottom, and Liam gets to be Sirius."
Jase shook his head. "Sirius dies."
"Lupin?"
"Also dies."
"A Weasley twin?"
"Liam isn't that funny, and Fred dies."
I searched over the entire cast of Harry Potter. "All the cool people die. — Tammy Blackwell

No one here is allowed to die without my permission. — Doug MacLeod

I'm just glad you didn't die while we were gone," Brent said. "He'd be so pissed. And you know, you'd be dead. So that would suck. — Bree Despain

He hated YouTube. He wishes it would die of mad cow disease. — Andrea Speed

I stabbed him," Flit said weakly, clutching at the tattered remains of Talon's shirt.
"With pens," Talon agreed.
"Is he dead?" Flit's eyes were huge, the pupils blown black, only a sliver of color showing around the edges. He was probably going into shock.
"I don't think so," Talon said. "It's pretty hard to die by pen. — Agatha Bird

Shadow was stretched out full length on the seat in the back. He felt like two people, or more than two. There was part of him that felt gently exhilarated: he had done something. He had moved. It wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't want to live, but he did want to live, and that make all the difference. He hoped he would live through this, but he was willing to die, if that was what it took to be alive. And, for a moment he thought that the whole thing was funny, just the funniest thing in the world; and he wondered if Laura would appreciate the joke. — Neil Gaiman

Its funny how certain objects convey a message
my washer and dryer, for example. They can't speak, of course, but whenever I pass them they remind me that I'm doing fairly well. "No more laundromat for you," they hum. My stove, a downer, tells me every day that I can't cook, and before I can defend myself my scale jumps in, shouting from the bathroom, "Well, he must be doing something. My numbers are off the charts." The skeleton has a much more limited vocabulary and says only one thing: "You are going to die. — David Sedaris

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

What I realized with Funny or Die is that I could take it into my own hands. On a much smaller scale, I think these videos are an accurate representation of who I am. As weird as they may be, I'm at least proud of them, and it showed that I do have a slightly different voice. I can't tell you how often people bring up these videos in interviews, and I'm so happy to talk about them because we created them from the ground up. — Dave Franco

If Damon Wayans is not breaking, it's a miracle. He is so funny that he makes everyone die laughing. — Casey Wilson

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey

I wouldn't be where I am without these Funny or Die videos in general. When I was first starting out, I would take roles just to get the experience, but not exactly because I believed in the projects I was doing. — Dave Franco

To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is the goal of the survivor. — Bauvard

Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened. — Lish McBride

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts." — Jim Gaffigan

A lot of times we associate Greenpeace and climate change and shrinking polar caps with heavy-handed, weighty material. It's somber stuff. But with Funny Or Die we thought we could put an interesting take on it. Make it a little more palatable, especially for young people who tune into the website. — Alexander Skarsgard

There is a funny joke that God plays on man. Have you laughed yet? I think it might be the funniest one of all. The joke is: everyone you ever knew, and anyone who might mourn your passing, will die. What happens after this? There is no proof that you existed. And there is no one to care whether you ever did in the first place. There is a song about this. Maybe someday I will sing it to you. — Ian Bassingthwaighte

Feeling funny in my mind, Lord I believe I'm fixing to die Well, I don't mind dying But I hate to leave my children crying Well, I look over yonder to that burying ground Look over yonder to that burying ground Sure seems lonesome, Lord, when the sun goes down — Bob Dylan

All thoughts of newbloods and Maven, my brother and Cal and Kilorn are gone entirely. Even the faces that haunt me, the faces of the dead, have disappeared.Funny, now that I'm dying, my ghosts decide to leave. I wish they would come back. I wish I didn't have to die alone. — Victoria Aveyard

The story of money is very funny. Others burn what we earn. Why not give as we live, so the world will cry when we die. -RVM — R.v.m.

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh

I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases,
heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is?
If you prick us, do we not bleed? If
you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die?
And if you wrong us, do we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that. — William Shakespeare

The wildly drunk man from the cabin next door to ours is in front of me in the crowd. He's so drunk that he's standing in the women-and-children section. He complains loudly that this is boring and that we are a bunch of assholes. When a clearly terrified woman blurts out, "Please, sir, be quiet," he sways for a second and then lets out a long "Shuuuuut uuuuuuuup" that is funny not just because of its Jackie Gleason-style delivery but also because of its inappropriateness in a situation where we're all probably going to die. — Tina Fey

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? — George Carlin

Think you can maybe not die for five minutes?"
"I'll try,"I told him seriously.
"You know, if anyone else said that, it would be funny. — Karen Chance

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'. — Frankie Boyle

If I could ever be on a Missy Elliott record, I could then die. Missy Elliott, Mary J. Blige - I love hearing them interviewed, I love the way they talk about their art. They're very self-assured, they're funny, they're inviting. I love it. — Neko Case

I stared at the phone in disbelief, then ripped a clean sheet of paper from my notebook. I scribbled ' Jerk ' on the first line. On the line beneath it I added, ' Smokes cigars. Will die of lung cancer. Hopefully soon. — Becca Fitzpatrick

British people would die for their right to drink themselves to death — John Oliver

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die. — Frankie Boyle

I realize why women die in childbirth - it's preferable. — Sherry Glaser

You shut your door to these poor women," he said so they could hear him, "and you'll answer for it the rest of your lives. You won't sleep. You'll choke on drinks. The food you eat'll block up your bowels and you'll die of your own shit. — Glendon Swarthout

We all die at the end, but does that nullify everything? Would most people rather say, "I wish I hadn't been born?" Once you're born you'll have to die, now is that funny or sad? — John Cleese

The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.) — Dave Barry

Thursday, you mean everything to me. Not just because you're cute, smart, funny and have a devastatingly good figure and boobs to die for, but that you do right for right's sake - it's what you are and what you do. Even if I never get my magnum opus published, I will still die secure in the knowledge that my time on this planet was well-spent - giving support, love and security to someone who actually makes a difference. — Jasper Fforde

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life. — Bauvard

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny. — Joan Rivers

I'd rather live my life believing in God to die and see there is one. Because if there isn't one, it means there's no eternal life, therefore I will never know. — Sandra Chami Kassis

My heart started racing, not the bad kind of heart racing, like I'm going to die. But the good kind of heart racing, like, Hello, can I help you with something? If not, please step aside because I'm about to kick the shit out of life. — Maria Semple

Why, god, why? Why have you deserted me in my moment of need? I'm going to die. I'm going to internally combust never knowing what if feels like to be inside of my girlfriend.
Life is so unfair. — Cheryl McIntyre

I went to a foot specialist recently and she said:
"You've broken a bone, it's healed funny."
"What can you do?"
"Not much."
She strapped me up though and that's the reason my foot is hurting, because the strapping gave me cramp.
When I'm about to die I'm going to head ti a swamp so I topple in when the time comes. In 50,000 years when they dig me up, pretty well preserved, the scientists will have to work out what sort of life I led from my bone structure, teeth and whatnot. Maybe I'll be clutching a Felt record or something to give them a clue. They'll look at my foot and say: "This man broke a bone and it's healed funny." And they'll look at the Felt record, analysing the grooves with a Groove Analyser and they'll say: "He was obviously in an indie band and one day the pressure got too much, and he booted a wall." And they wouldn't be far from the truth, those crazy scientists. — Stuart Murdoch

When you live in a city, as I do, where violence is really in the streets, and people die every day, there's nothing funny about it. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

Seeing his daughter slowly die, coupled with his infinite sadness and misery, the clockmaker becomes a recluse to the tower of the castle and begins to build something behind closed doors, not even his daughter knows what he's up to. For five years, she only sees him briefly at meal-times before locking himself up in the tower once again..."

"...Did he have a bathroom in the tower?"

"Yes, Jack. A big one! En-suite! Power-shower and spa! Where was I!? — Jonathan Dunne

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. — George Carlin

IF WE DIE FOR THEM, I'LL KILL YOU, HARRY! — J.K. Rowling

Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that," Garrett said gruffly. "You'll have me convinced I'm going to die."
"You're not? — Maya Banks

To die for an idea is to set a rather high price upon conjecture. — Anatole France

If you're serious, you really understand that it's important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you're the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you're funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity. — Maya Angelou

Sam gave Captain Suicide a droll stare. How did you die again? Oh wait, I know this. 'I can take 'em. I don't need to wait for reinforcements. I can do it myself.' How'd that work out for you again? — Sherrilyn Kenyon

The people who are best at telling jokes tend to have more health problems than the people laughing at them. A study of Finnish police officers found that those who were seen as funniest smoked more, weighed more, and were at greater risk of cardiovascular disease than their peers [10]. Entertainers typically die earlier than other famous people [11], and comedians exhibit more "psychotic traits" than others [12]. So just as there's research to back up the conventional wisdom on laughter's curative powers, there also seems to be truth to the stereotype that funny people aren't always having much fun. It might feel good to crack others up now and then, but apparently the audience gets the last laugh. — Anonymous

What's the one thing you want more than any other, prince?""My wife."Dionysus rolled his eyes. "Okay, what's the second thing you want?""My son."This time the god expelled a long exasperated breath. "Third? And if you name another family member, I will leave you here with Apollo, so help me, Zeus."Sadly, Styxx had no other family to name and only one other thing he craved. "To die.""Ah, you can be taught. Yah! And yeah, death. You kill Acheron and you die. I get to rule the world of man and everyone's happy." Hands on hips, Dionysus arched a brow. "So what do you say?""I say get me the fuck out of here. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?"
"Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?"
That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats."
Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh.
"I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre."
I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat.
"I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said.
A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed. — Sarah J. Maas

An english baron wed to my daughter? I'll die first, I will." Johanna quit rubbing Claire's shoulder and stepped forward.
"A very rich baron," she blurted out. The laird frowned at Johanna with what she thought was indignation.
"Wealth is not an issue here," he muttered. "How rich?"
They were married an hour later. — Julie Garwood

You know what's awkward?" David asked, the corner of his mouth lifting.
"Our entire existences?"
Now the grin was real. "That," he acknowledged. "And when you make a big, dramatic gesture because you think you're going to die, and then you-"
"Don't die," I finished for him, and he nodded.
"Exactly. Not that I'm not one hundred percent psyched that we didn't die, but ... — Rachel Hawkins

Warren made a noise, the first one I'd heard out of him since we'd come into the room. I'd have been happier if he hadn't sounded scared.
"Easy, Warren," Adam told him. "You're safe here."
"If you die on us, you won't be," said Kyle with a growl that would have done credit to any of the werewolves in the room. — Patricia Briggs

Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go."

"You just got here."

"Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress."

"You're making that up."

"I'm not."

"So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis? — Rick Riordan

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter. — Arturo Toscanini

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. — Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Vamps were homebodies - high-maintenance, party-till-you-die, don't-look-at-me-funny-or-I'll-kill-you homebodies, but homebodies nevertheless. — Kim Harrison

What I said was
I'll miss you
what I meant to say was
I love you
what I wanted to say was
that I meant what I said
and it's funny
how all those things I
could have said
flooded my head after we said goodbye
and I should have told you
I'd be willing to hold you
until my flesh crumbles into bone
because I'm willing to die alone
but god knows I don't want to live that way. — Shane Koyczan

It's delicious,' he announces, chewing my sandwich. 'I would like to stay here forever and die with you in my arms.'
'I don't know. I think it's too cold for forever,' I say, smiling. — Joanna Mazurkiewicz

When I die, so does hip hop. — Eminem

Quip fast, die young. — Cassandra Clare

The plain truth is we are going to die. Here I am, a teeny spec surrounded by boundless space and time, arguing with the whole of creation, shaking my fist, sputtering, growing even eloquent at times, and then-poof! I am gone. Swept off once and for all. I think that is very, very funny. — Charles Simic

I'm confused, Beatrice," she says. "What exactly do you want us to do?"
"I didn't come here to ask you for help," I say. "I thought you should know that a lot of people are going to die, very soon. And I know you don't want to stay here doing nothing while that happens, even if some of your faction does."
She looks down, her crooked mouth betraying just how right I am.
"I also wanted to ask you if we can talk to the Erudite you're keeping safe here," I say. "I know they're hidden, but I need access to them."
"And what do you intend to do?" she says.
"Shoot them," I say, rolling my eyes.
"That isn't funny."
I sigh. "Sorry. I need information. That's all. — Veronica Roth

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct. — Dominique Bouhours

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. — Sandra Bullock

Well, first I tried just telling her the truth. That if you kiss her, you'll die. She started crying hysterically."
"Oh, good thinking," I say, lifting the cup of hot chocolate to my mouth. Why hadn't I thought of that right off?
"Yeeeah, turns out not so much. I thought that might have worked since, you know, she's supposedly in love with you, but then being a total psychopath and all, she started blubbering, 'I'd rather have one perfect passionate kiss with Haden and lose him forever, than to have never kissed him at all.'"
I almost choke on a sip of hot chocolate. It burns my throat. — Bree Despain

Maybe you should make me a list of people I can kill and ways in which they're allowed to die," he said. "You are not funny." "I'm very funny. — Ilona Andrews

The quotes are often poignant or funny (one man before the firing squad requests a bulletproof vest) and often don't register as much more than interesting historical documents from centuries past. But read in aggregate, all that pain piles up. Essentially, Elder has amassed a collection of what people say when they know they are going to die, the final product of what could be seen as psychological torture. — Jonathan Messinger

The poor Sufi dressed in rags walked into a jewelry store owned by a rich merchant and asked him, "Do you know how you're going to die." And the Sufi said, "I do.""How?" asked the merchant.
And the Sufi lay down, crossed his arms, said, "Like this," and died, whereupon the merchant promptly gave up his store to live a life of poverty in pursuit of the kind of spiritual wealth the dead Sufi had acquired. — John Green

Look here, cousin," Big Country's drawled in the background. "This here's a car. We just got off a plane, and no matter how fast you push this bitch, she ain't gon' fly, so believe me when I say, I refuse to die over some foolishness you call love, not today. — Shay Rucker

Why are you here?"
"Oh - I came to tell the chieftain we're going to die." The girl said it quickly and with the same casual indifference as if she were announcing that the sun sets in the evening.
Persephone narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me? What did you say? Who's going to die?"
"All of us."
"All of whom?"
"Us." The girl looked puzzled, but this time Persephone wasn't certain if it was the tattoos or not.
"You and I?"
Suri sighed. "Yes - you, me, the funny man with the horn at the gate, everyone. — Michael J. Sullivan

It's only sixteen ninety-five," I say with a flutter of my lashes.
"You're serious."
I prop my hands on my waist and stick out a hip, striking a pose worthy of a supermodel. "Look at me. Don't I look serious?"
She collapses into the chair outside the dressing room in a fit of giggles so cute they make my insides fizz. "No! You must be stopped," she says.
"Why?" I strut down an aisle of yellowed lingerie, swiveling my hips, batting bras with flicks of my fingers. "I will be the king of the disco. I will be - " I spin and strike another pose. "An inspiration."
She sniffs and swipes at her eyes. "The real Dylan would die before he'd be seen in public in something like that."
"The real Dylan is boring." I brace my hands on the arms of her chair and lean down until our faces are a whisper apart. "And he's not one fourth the kisser I am."
"Is that right?" Her lips quirk.
"You know it is."
Her smile melts, and her breath comes faster. "Yeah. I do. — Stacey Jay

Well
to put it briefly
Arianna and I had become
well
friends."
"I see."
"Nothing improper, you understand," Lelldorin said quickly. "But our friendship was such that
well
we didn't want to be separated." The young Asturian's face appealed to his friend for understanding. "Actually," he went on, "it was a little more than 'didn't want to.' Arianna told me she'd die if I left her behind."
"Possibly she was exaggerating," Garion suggested.
"How could I risk it, though?" Lelldorin protested. "Women are much more delicate than we are
besides, Arianna's a physician. She'd know if she'd die, wouldn't she? — David Eddings

A cemetery?" I chuckle, but the pitch is a bit higher than I expected. "At night? With a full moon? Um ... did you see any, uh, zombies, you, while you were there?"
Shiko blinks at me a few times. "No"
I slump in relief. "Thank God. I mean, I don't want to be the first to die. The funny guy always dies first, for shock value, you know. Rourke would get killed next, because it's be a heroic sacrifice or something." I motion to Shiko. "You'd live, though, unless you had sex."
... Shiko has the look of an addled kitten, complete with head tilt. Rourke sighs and leans toward her, embarrassed.
'You'll have to excuse him. According to his mother he has an irrational fear of something called the zombie apocalypse."
"It's not irrational! — Vaughn R. Demont

With apologies to Judy Garland and Cole Porter, all the world does NOT love a clown. John Wayne Gacy might have been the final nail in the coffin in terms of anyone associating clowns with funny (if a bunch of clowns die, do they all fit into one coffin?) — Christopher Lombardo

Old teachers never die, they just grade away. — Henny Youngman

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there. — Mark Twain

But why me?
Because, idiot, you ... are funny and smart and you have a giant heart that you can't even pretend to hide. And you love your friends and your mum, and you held my hand and made me sing when I was so scared I thought I was going to die. I knew you understood, right from the beginning, this thing inside, the stuff in your head that you need to make real. You get that ... And you wear stupid Superman pyjamas without any irony, and your face lights up when you talk about the movies you love ... And ... you protect my dwarf. You always have her back. And you have a dimple when you smile that's so cute I almost died the first time I saw it. — Melissa Keil

To have your niece die in your arms is the greatest gift from god. — Celine Dion

He hoped he would live through this, but he was willing to die, if that was what it took to be alive. And, for a moment he thought that the whole thing was funny, just the funniest thing in the world; — Neil Gaiman

He had no doubt that he knew who Ty was now, inside and out. He knew every one of Ty's quirks and weak spots and favorite things. He knew what Ty found funny and what annoyed him. He knew what would break his heart. He knew how to touch him to drive him wild, and when to back off when Ty was having a bad day. He knew that Ty was kind and loyal and funny, that he had a deep sense of honor and righteousness. He knew that Ty would die to save a stranger, and kill to save a friend. That was the type of man he was. — Abigail Roux

That's the funny thing," she said. "Men always want to die for something. For someone. I can see the appeal. You do it once and it's done. No more worrying, not knowing, about tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I know you all think it sounds brave, but I'll tell you something even braver. To struggle and fight for the ones you love today. And then do it all over again the next day. Every day. For your whole life. It's not as romantic, I admit. But it takes a lot of courage to live for someone, too. — Victor LaValle

Shame upon him who can look on calmly, and exclaim,
'The foolish girl! she should have waited; she should have
allowed time to wear off the impression; her despair would
have been softened, and she would have found another lover
to comfort her.' One might as well say, 'The fool, to die of a
fever! why did he not wait till his strength was restored, till
his blood became calm? all would then have gone well, and
he would have been alive now. — Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I'm an idiot. I'm ten times an idiot. God, I could just die." Then I forged ahead because the last comment was too close for comfort these days. "Not die die, as in not-breathing die, but die figuratively, if you know what I mean." Lee was grinning. — Kristen Ashley

It's a funny thing about life, I think we're born square and we die round — Daniel Gottlieb

Don't you dare try to die again without asking my permission! — Shungiku Nakamura

Liam gets to be Sirius."
Jase shook his head.
"Sirius dies."
"Lupin?"
"Also dies."
"A Weasley twin?"
"Liam isn't that funny, and Fred dies."
I searched over the entire cast ofHarry Potter.
"All the cool people die."
"Which is why we should stick to Star Wars and Jedi. What kind of cool team name would we get if we went with the wizards? Team Gryffindor?"
"Or, you know, Order of the Phoenix."
"I think we're more like Dumbledore's Army," was Talley's sleepy reply. "Although, we're more like Liam's Army. — Tammy Blackwell

I don't want to die ... I don't want to die poor. Two great motivators in the history of human cultures. — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. — Bill Bryson

Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there. — Jack Paar

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.' — Adam Ferrara

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! — Rick Riordan

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. — Sam Levenson

Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?
Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock. — George R R Martin

Black people loving and losing is something we don't see enough of. We're always in these heightened situations like something big is happening, something funny or something violent. And you know what? Sometimes we die of breast cancer or a broken heart. Things happen that are just not being explored cinematically. It's time we reinvigorated that type of film. — Ava DuVernay