Funny David Cross Quotes & Sayings

'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together. — David Cross

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine. — David Cross

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced. — David Cross

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people. — David Cross

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are ... — David Cross

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know ... — David Cross

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see ... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur. — David Cross

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes ... you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?" — David Cross

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm — David Cross

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny! — David Cross

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men ... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight. — David Cross

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny. — David Cross

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids ... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate? — David Cross

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people. — David Cross

Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. "I like the
brown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I'm not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spice
one is the best."
"The what?"
"The lebkuchen spice one." He held it up for me. "This one."
"You're making that up. What's a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name ees
Lebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies ... "
"Don't be rude!" Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended. — David Levithan

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny. — David Cross

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted. — David Cross

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country. — David Cross

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage ... because I'm tolerant and rational. — David Cross

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English. — David Cross

So all my friends have kids now ... which I think is rude. — David Cross