Funny Dark Humor Quotes & Sayings

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. — Derek Landy

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too. — Mitch Hedberg

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) — Eve Kagan

Celaena?" Sam asked into the dark. "Should I worry about going to sleep?"
She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously. — Sarah J. Maas

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love like never, only less often. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The times I've tried not to be funny, it's never worked, and the times I'm trying not to be dark and just be funny, that never works, either. As varied as my subject matter is, I think the worldview is pretty consistent: seeing darkness and seeing humor. — Rebecca Makkai

Are you okay with what we ordered?" Angeline asked him. "You didn't pipe up with any requests."
Neil shook his head, face stoic. He kept his dark hair in a painfully short and efficient haircut. It was the kind of no-nonsense thing the Alchemists would've loved. "I can't waste time quibbling over trivial things like pepperoni and mushrooms. If you'd gone to my school in Devonshire, you'd understand. For one of my sophomore classes, they left us alone on the moors to fend for ourselves and learn survival skills. Spend three days eating twigs and heather, and you'll learn not to argue about any food coming your way."
Angeline and Jill cooed as though that was the most rugged, manly thing they'd ever heard. Eddie wore an expression that reflected what I felt, puzzling over whether this guy was as serious as he seemed or just some genius with swoon-worthy lines. — Richelle Mead

A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. — E.A. Bucchianeri

We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dorothy's coming up. I think she's tight."
"That's great." I picked up my bathrobe. "I was afraid I was going to have to get some sleep."
She was bending over looking for her slippers. "Don't be such an old fluff. You can sleep all day." She found her slippers and stood up in them. "Is she really as afraid of her mother as she says?"
"If she's got any sense. Mimi's poison."
Nora screwed up her dark eyes at me and asked slowly: "What are you holding out on me?"
"Oh, dear," I said, " I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you. Dorothy is really my daughter. I didn't know what I was doing, Nora. It was spring in Venice and I was so young and there was a moon over the ... "
"Be funny. Don't you want something to eat? — Dashiell Hammett

I had a dream about you. You were you, but you were many - a multitude of mannequins, each named Manny. And I was me, but I was Dark Jar Tin Zoo, and as such I made love to you - all of you. Then I woke up alone, naked, cuddling a mannequin I named after you who smells like you, because I spray it with the same fragrance you used to wear. Is that crazy? No, I didn't think so either. — Dora J. Arod

Weetzie could see him
it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers.
"Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed.
"Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr.
"Oh, shit!" Weetzie said.
"I beg your pardon? Is that your wish? — Francesca Lia Block

If I could bronze my love, it'd be worthy of a silver medal. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid. — Derek Landy

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore. — James Hetfield

[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!
And that thought just cracked me up.]
It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals. — Sherman Alexie

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger. — Derek Landy

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I don't think it's ever easy to be funny. I find it easy to amuse myself with a certain sort of cynical dark humor that tends toward the meaner side, like my character in Happy Gilmore. Those kinds of characters come easily to me. — Ben Stiller

I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

But if you read Jane Austen, you know that she had a wicked sense of humor. Not only was she funny, but her early writing was very dark and had a gothic tone to it. — Seth Grahame-Smith

He took a long draw then asked, "What'd I do?"
"You knew about the guy threatening my dad?"
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn't funny. "They told you?"
"Why, no, Swopes, they didn't. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher's knife. — Darynda Jones

Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House. — Bob Saget

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle - and mine just got stolen. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it's a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that. — Ice Cube

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. — Derek Landy

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. — Erin Mitchell

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) — Frankie Boyle

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I have a dark sense of humor,' Fanny explained.
'What's that supposed to mean?' asked Honor.
'It means I'm funny once you get to know me,' Fanny said. — Allegra Goodman

That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron ...
"He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermoine approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart -"
"What would it have been for you?" said Ron sniggering, "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten? — J.K. Rowling

And you expect us to take the word of your ... very pregnant wife, over a DNA test? No offense, but pregnancy tends to lower a female's IQ."
Burnett turned to the warlock, but before he could add his two cents - which didn't look as if it would be pleasant - Holiday added her own.
"That's funny," she said, but without humor.
"I've heard it also makes us vicious if provoked. And for your information, I'd be happy to put my IQ up against yours, pregnant or not."
Hunter, C. C. (2014-05-20). Reborn (Shadow Falls: After Dark) (p. 336). St. Martin's Press. Kindle Edition. — C.C. Hunter

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere. — Laurence Olivier

I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. — Edgar Rice Burroughs

My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I glared at Christian as the blood smeared around. "You could have at least licked it."
He smirked darkly. "I hear that all too often. — Dannika Dark

So I flirt with disaster once or twice. Who doesn't?"
He snorted. "You don't just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it. — Dannika Dark

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am! — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love those dark moments in Peanuts. I love that they're in there, that Charles Schulz put the sad lonely bits of himself into the comic. I love the silliness too, the dancing Snoopy strips. The little boy Rerun drawing "basement" comics about Tarzan fighting Daffy Duck in a helicopter. Those are the bits that keep me reading. The funny parts! The fun parts. The silly bits that don't make any sense. And when I get to the sad lonely Peppermint Patty standing in a field wondering why nobody shook hands and said "good game," well, it works because that's not all she was. I try to think that way about everything. That's the kind of person I want to be. — Joey Comeau

God-fucking-damn but he was seriously good-looking. "Have you ever had the stuffed pancakes here? They're evil. I highly recommend them."
"Heh. The cop is recommending evil," I said. "Too funny."
To my surprise, Ivanov chuckled. "You've discovered my dark side. — Diana Rowland

I love like I'm thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand? — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway. — Derek Landy

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me."
Natalya hissed, "Are you mad?"
"What's she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We've got a pact to fulfill,remember?"
To Dorada, she cried, "Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here."
Regin kicked the glass. "Lemme the fuck out - "
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
"Okay. That's freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I'll help you find your Precious. — Kresley Cole

I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"
I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic? — Tara Kelly

The guy had guts - I had to give him that. Later on I was hoping for a first-hand look at them. — Rob Thurman

Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I am a candid interview and I have a dark and dry sense of humor - a very Canadian sense of humor and I am only learning now stupidly that you can't read tongue. When I say something funny in a newspaper and I meant it to be funny, it doesn't read that way. — Michael Buble

My love's got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

What's a Dullahan?'
'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'
'Headless?'
'Yes.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'So he has no head?'
'That's usually what headless means.'
'No head at all?'
'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'
'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'
'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'
'But at least he has a head.'
'True.'
'He even has a spare. — Derek Landy

You couldn't find your dick in the dark, you scheming, sleaze-mongering scumwad. — Nenia Campbell

I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. "Of course it's a dream," I thought. "The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered." — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma. — Sol Luckman

I love dark humor. I love things that are so grounded in life, but just happen to be just a little bit twisted because my sense of humor is a little bit twisted. I love jokes that shouldn't be funny, but are. Those types of things just really make me laugh. — Rockmond Dunbar

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself. — Mark Twain

Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious."
Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on. — Cassandra Clare

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It's kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn't listening. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I make love like farm equipment - not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) — Elaine Kagan

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged — Terry Pratchett

Audrey didn't understand Piper's obsession with Erik. Yes, he was insanely gorgeous, with dark hair and dark sexy eyes, but he gave off a dick vibe. Piper was such a sweet and funny girl, and Audrey really didn't think they would be good together. But apparently Erik Titov did it for Piper, and who was she to question it? She herself was in love with an ass-hat and lusting over a child. She was in no place to judge anyone on their lusty needs. — Toni Aleo

Where did you meet?" he pressed on.
I shrugged and considered a little rephrasing. "I was out for a run."
"From who?"
I leaned back to take a long, very long, slow sip of that beer.
Knox leaned forward. "I think we're both bullsh*tting here, you ever play that card game?"
"With my grandma, every Sunday after church. — Dannika Dark

I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil). — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof — J.D. Robb

Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

That's funny. You would think after being followed and shoved into a dark alley by a stranger, you would be at least a little shaken. Don't tell me, you are a black belt just waiting for the perfect moment to strike." He laughed soundlessly. "I mean your words do sound brave but your eyes and the fact that you're trembling like a scared little kitten say something else entirely." Even though the alley was submerged in darkness and shadows, it was obvious there was a devilish grin stretched across his face ... — Nicole Rae

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she'd never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

My condolences, you're still alive. — Fakeer Ishavardas

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I'd better go drown myself before I freeze to death. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Her hands shot up. "See that's exactly what I'm saying. You're seeing what you want, and what you see you explain away and excuse things like you're fixing me. I'm not perfect, Ephraim and I really wish you would see that."
"You drool."
"What?" That caught her off guard.
"When you're asleep you drool. I've woken up more than a few times with a little puddle forming on my chest." After a thought he added. "And you snore. Not a delicate snore either mind you."
"I do not!" Her face colored with indignation.
He sighed heavily as if the knowledge pained him. "Oh, but you do. I've even heard Jill talk about it. Did you know that's the main reason she was happy about her room. Actually, she and Joshua thanked your Grandmother for putting you at the other end of the house, something about finally getting a decent night's sleep. They compared your snore to a chainsaw. I can see why they'd say that. — R.L. Mathewson

Argued with your back-fence neighbor," Adam said, his voice very gentle.
"And watched him when he wasn't looking," I agreed. "Because every once in a while, especially after a full moon hunt, he'd forget that I could see in the dark, and he'd run around naked in the backyard."
He laughed silently. "I never forgot you could see in the dark," he admitted. — Patricia Briggs

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy. — Nenia Campbell

The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way - contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights) — Jane Dentinger

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were. — James S.A. Corey

You think this is funny?" I snorted. "You would. Your sense of humor is so dark, even the lesser demons don't get you. — Pippa DaCosta

All lines are gray in the dark. — Nenia Campbell

When it started to climb between my legs, my balls and its claws only separated by a thin blanket, I sincerely considered throwing it (the cat, not my member) out of the window. — John Duover

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you'll never get your balls back. - Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. — Dannika Dark

This cave is so dark I can't see any of you in your ninja outfits." "Sorry." the boys said and they peeled off their outfits and left them in a pile. The boys left Mollie's mask on because she looked awesome and mysterious, but she pulled it off anyway, because she was a dog and dogs don't wear masks. — Ella Minster

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

We made love like green is blue. That's because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I like the way that Dexter mixed humor, dark humor and tragedy, in a way I don't think that I've seen another show do. To handle those tonal shifts with so much confidence. Normally, you can mix humor and dark humor, you can mix dark humor and tragedy, but to mix all three ... There are just moments with Robin and Reuben, the next door neighbors, that are just funny. — Jane Espenson

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind. — Ilona Andrews