Funny Bob Monkhouse Quotes & Sayings

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo. — Bob Monkhouse

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents? — Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. — Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire? — Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.' — Bob Monkhouse

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! — Bob Monkhouse

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard. — Bob Monkhouse

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate. — Bob Monkhouse

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. — Bob Monkhouse

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'. — Bob Monkhouse

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. — Bob Monkhouse

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. — Bob Monkhouse

I got my start in silent radio. — Bob Monkhouse

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away. — Bob Monkhouse