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Funny Beat You Up Quotes & Sayings

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Top Funny Beat You Up Quotes

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By J.R. Ward

A cold blast hit him and he laughed at the sting as he stepped outside, surveyed the night sky, and drank deeply.
Such a good liar he was. Such a good one.
Everyone thought he was fine because he'd camo'd his little problems. He wore a Sox hat to hide the eye twitch. Set his wristwatch to go off every half hour to beat back the dream. Ate though he wasn't angry. Laughed though he found nothing funny.
And he'd always smoked like a chimney. — J.R. Ward

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Lori Foster

Manners, boy. I'll beat them into you if I have to. — Lori Foster

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Jim Norton

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil. — Jim Norton

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Dan Povenmire

We just keep trying to beat every show with the funny stick until it's funny — Dan Povenmire

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Jon Acuff

Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it's like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up ... what was once just 'forcing everyone to agree with my opinion' is now 'forcing everyone to agree with my opinion in the name of God. — Jon Acuff

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Jerry Coleman

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By David Levithan

In my mind, she was Lebkuchen Spice - ironic, Germanic, sexy, and off beat. And, mein Gott, the girl could bake a damn fine cookie ... to the point that I wanted to answer her What do you want for Christmas? with a simple More cookies, please!
But no. She warned me not to be a smart-ass, and while that answer was totally sincere, I was afraid she would think I was joking or,
worse, kissing up.
It was a hard question, especially if I had to batten down the sarcasm. I mean, there was the beauty pageant answer of world peace, although I'd probably have to render it in the beauty pageant spelling of world peas. I could play the boo-hoo orphan card and wish for my whole family to be together, but that was the last thing I wanted, especially at this late date. — David Levithan

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By David Weber

Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears.
"Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn! — David Weber

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Helen Oyeyemi

There are people who are drawn to secrets as ants are to jam. Fausta's one of them. She searches out all things unspoken and unseen-not to make them known, but to destroy them so that nobody knows they ever existed. That's what makes her heart beat faster, the destruction of invisible foundations. Why? Because she finds it funny. — Helen Oyeyemi

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." — Rita Rudner

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Maurice Ashley

My brother played the game with his friends, so I thought I was a pretty smart kid and I played this friend of mine and he just crushed me and this was Brooklyn Tech High School in Brooklyn where I still live, in Brooklyn, New York and this guy beat me so bad it wasn't even funny. I couldn't understand why he beat me. — Maurice Ashley

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Michael J. Sullivan

You can go back to blacksmithing in Hintindar and live a quiet happy life. Do me a favor and marry some pretty farm girl and train your son to beat the crap out of imperial knights."
"Sure," Hadrian told him. "And with any luck he'll make friends with a cynical burglar who'll do nothing but torment him. — Michael J. Sullivan

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Baratunde R. Thurston

For example, when the two of you are in the coffee room, she might say to you, "Hey, we should just take all these white people's shit and burn it." But then she laughs, and you laugh, and another coworker enters the room, asking, "What's so funny?" and without missing a beat you both say, "Tina Fey! — Baratunde R. Thurston

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Elizabeth Gilbert

My heart skipped a beat and then flat-out tripped over itself and fell on its face. Then my heart stood up, brushed itself off, took a deep breath and announced: I want a spiritual teacher. — Elizabeth Gilbert

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By J.R. Ward

And it was funny. The silence of him had a bizarre effect on her. Normally, she was the quiet one in situations, preferring to keep her own council and not share her thoughts on anything. But with John's mute presence, she felt curiously compelled to talk.
"I'm stuffed," she said, lying back against the pillows. As he cocked a brow and lifted the last Danish, she shook her head.
"God ... no. I couldn't manage another thing."
And it was only then that he began to eat.
"You waited for me ?" she said, frowning. When he ducked her gaze and shrugged, she cursed softly.
" You didn't have to."
Another shrug. As she watched him, she murmured, "You have beautiful table manners."
His blush was the color of Valentine's Day and she had to tell her heart to calm the fuck down as it started to beat fast. — J.R. Ward

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Martin Lawrence

I don't like forcing comedy and people just trying to do things just to find a funny beat all the time. — Martin Lawrence

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Sadie Gray

Let's just stand still. Maybe whoever it is won't notice us. It's dark out anyway." Both boys knew it could just be someone from the local village but their hearts were starting to beat faster anyways. Who wound be out at this time of night? Suddenly, out from the darkness came a voice. "I'll get you you mangy little ... " There was the sound of something flying through the air and then a plunk as it landed somewhere nearby. Lionel winced. The voice was female. — Sadie Gray

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Sophie Oak

If this happened in a Fae marriage, then the female would beat the male into submission. If she is too small to beat him properly, one of the larger women of her family would perform the task for her. — Sophie Oak

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Kim Hunter

Drab?" Soldier yelled. "I'll give you drab. Beat her, would you? Beat my wife? I'll feed your head to the vultures, you snotty little hamster with your golden pelt and buttery looks! — Kim Hunter

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

Men can beat each other to a pulp and still walk away friends. With a woman, once an enemy, always an enemy. Women will sit like a spider, for years, waiting for the chance to strike. They never forget and seldom forgive. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By John P. Sousa

Regarding creating a new work ... Sometimes you have to beat it like a red-headed step-child. — John P. Sousa

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Tim Conway

When you're small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot. — Tim Conway

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Carrie Harris

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a fistfight without a manual. — Carrie Harris

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Maureen Johnson

When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine.
"Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting."
Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself.
Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
Click.
Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest.
"Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?"
You mean, besides us?"
"Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee? — Maureen Johnson

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Eric Jerome Dickey

Soon-Bok Kim closed her eyes, said rapid prayers in castellano, beat the steering wheel, begged God to save her and her stupid husband, said they would become better Christians. — Eric Jerome Dickey

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Stacey Wallace Benefiel

Dude, could you please get off my girlfriend before I beat the crap out of you ? I don't want to injure her. — Stacey Wallace Benefiel

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Stephen Colbert

Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass! — Stephen Colbert

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Tara Sivec

Gavin, come on. Mommy doesn't feel good," I complained.
He stopped bouncing and leaned forward to sprawl his body out on top of me, putting his face right up to mine.
"Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially.
I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.
"What are you talking about, Gav?"
He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.
"Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh. — Tara Sivec

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Sean Michael

Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. If you wake the kids up before two, I'm going to beat you with a skillet. — Sean Michael

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Eugene Ormandy

Why do you always start after my beat then rush to catch up? Do you want us to stay behind? — Eugene Ormandy

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Alan Eisenstock

Gabe!" she calls. "Dr. Gabe."

He looks at her blankly

"Don't you know me? You're my OB-GYN."

Gabe's eyes move instinctively from her face to her crotch. He stares between her legs for a beat. His face lights up in recognition, as if he has X-ray vision.

"Joanne! Sure . . . Joanne. How are you?"

Both Joanne and I break up. Gabe blushes.

"I see so many women," he says, making it worse. — Alan Eisenstock

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Norman Chad

Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week. — Norman Chad

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Holly Hood

It would be the last thing he did if he beat my dog. — Holly Hood

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Jay Leno

I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part. — Jay Leno

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Stephen King

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board. — Stephen King

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Darynda Jones

Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent. — Darynda Jones

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Natsuki Takaya

Kyo Sohma: angrily pointing at Yuki Just like I'll beat you one of these days
Yuki: looking bored Wait wait I think I've heard this one before — Natsuki Takaya

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Maria V. Snyder

Before Kiki and I headed toward the Keep, I thanked my friends.
"For what? We didn't do anything," Janco grumbled.
"For caring enough to follow my guards. And the next time, I might need the help."
"There better not be a next time," Ari said, giving me a stern look.
"How touching," Janco said, pretending to wipe his eyes.
"Get going, Yelena. I don't want you to see me cry." He faked a sniffle.
"I'm sure your ego can handle it," I said. "Or will you need to beat up some trainees to feel like a man again?"
"Very funny," he said. — Maria V. Snyder

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Mike Birbiglia

There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school. — Mike Birbiglia

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Ian Frazier

Then a beat-up car lurched into sight towing an even more beat-up car. As the cars came near, I saw that they were connected back to front by a loop made of two seat belts buckled to each other. That was the only time I ever saw a Russian use a seat belt for any purpose at all. — Ian Frazier

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Chris Rock

Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense — Chris Rock

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Charles Barkley

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife. — Charles Barkley

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Alyssa Rose Ivy

You are a very threatening princess."
"Be Careful or I'll beat you up with my tiara. — Alyssa Rose Ivy

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Jury Nel

We can beat our swords into plowshares, and we can beat our plowshares into swords, but as far as computers go, a hammer can only change the shape of the junk, not it's function. — Jury Nel

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Stephanie Perkins

Cricket tells a joke and turns to see if I'm laughing, if I think he's funny, and I want him to know that I do think he's funny, and I want him to know that I'm glad he's my friend, and I want him to know that he has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. And I want to press my palm against his chest to feel it beat, to prove he's really here. — Stephanie Perkins

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Lois Greiman

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies. — Lois Greiman

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Khloe Kardashian

I never looked at myself as the fat sister. Sometimes I would beat people to the punch and say, 'Oh I'm the fat, funny one,' because that's what people would say about me. But I never really thought that. — Khloe Kardashian

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Manny Laureano

His lessons were chock-full of analogies for a variety of musical situations. Those little things were my favorites. 'No ... that's too much vibrato. It's like putting bright red lipstick on a beautiful woman.' I always thought it was funny that when you broke a musical rule-like accenting a weak beat-he would turn his head away from you sharply, almost as though he were in pain. It's like you just slapped him in the face by being unmusical. — Manny Laureano

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Zach Galifianakis

My father used to beat me with his belt ... while it was still on him. — Zach Galifianakis

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Alice Munro

Then he said the funny thing was the old man himself had left home when he was a kid, after a fight with his own father. The father lit into him for using the wheelbarrow.

"It was this way. They always carried the feed to the horses, pail by pail. In the winter, when the horses were in the stalls. So my father took the notion to carry it to them in the wheelbarrow. Naturally it was a lot quicker. But he got beat. For laziness. That was the way they were, you know. Any change of any kind was a bad thing. Efficiency was just laziness, to them. That's the peasant thinking for you. — Alice Munro

Funny Beat You Up Quotes By Richelle Mead

Honestly, half the reason I like you is because you're so ... I don't know. You like life." He looked away from my eyes, amused as his thoughts spun, considering. "You're fearless. Bold. Not afraid to enjoy yourself. You just go out there and do what you want. I like the whirlwind you exist in. I envy it. It's funny, really." He smiled. "I used to think I wanted someone exactly like me, but now I think I'd be bored to death with another version of myself. I'm surprised I don't bore you sometimes."
I gaped. "Are you kidding? You're the most interesting person I know. Aside from Hugh maybe. But then, he installs breast implants and buys souls. That's a hard combination to beat. But he's not nearly as cute. — Richelle Mead