Funny Bastard Quotes & Sayings

A hint of red there and a dose of heat to sear the skin - mmm, barbecue. Not funny, you sick bastard. As Wes rebuked his inner gator, he slapped himself, only to hear a voice he never thought to hear again after last night. "You're slapping the wrong part of your body. Why don't you stand up and I'll help you get the right spot?" Melanie. What is she doing here? — Eve Langlais

Welcome to Arizona, you bastard. — Nenia Campbell

(If plan KTB kill the bastard) didn't work, well, gray would resort to Plan B: Operation Oh Sh** — Gena Showalter

If Sloane's quiet words hadn't been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane's quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment of it.
Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.
Ash's growl echoed through the showers. "What are you two gay boys doing in there?"
Aaand done.
--Dex — Charlie Cochet

I used to have Santa and the whole coal thing, but between Wade and their father, the little shits get whatever they want. They no longer feel like they need the fat bastard! — Ethan Day

I've been assigned to bodyguard you."
You've got to be kidding me.
Derek snorted.
Ascanio pretended not to hear it. "The Beast Lord spoke to me this morning. I'm responsible for your well-being, and if you get injured, I'll answer to him personally."
Oh, that bastard. Found the kid an impossible job, did he?
Derek laughed quietly.
Ascanio finally deemed it necessary to acknowledge Derek's existence. "Is something funny?"
"I don't even know you, and I feel sorry for you. — Ilona Andrews

He could do with some lunch. Especially since that bastard Sloane gave his Cheesy Doodles away. What kind of guy does that? A bastard, that's who. Did he not respect the male code of honor - thou shalt not steal another dude's snacks?
--Dex — Charlie Cochet

I'm not going to fucking calm down. I'm going to hunt that bastard down and murder
him."
"Oh fuck," Hank rocked back on his heels, his eyes went to the ceiling, his hands went to his hips.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothin'."
"What?" I asked, louder.
His eyes came back to me. "You aren't
huntin' anyone down."
"Wel ... no," I said, staring at him like he was crazy. "I was just saying that because I'm mad as hell. I wouldn't begin to know how to hunt him down." — Kristen Ashley

Oh my God! Stop eating that!"
"Your trail mix tastes funny," Trevor said with a cringe.
"That wasn't trail mix, you bastard! That was potpourri!"
"Well, that explains a lot," he said, giving her a sheepish smile as he returned the large wooden bowl back to the side table. She didn't need to look to know that he'd already eaten half the bowl of potpourri. She didn't even bother asking him what the hell was wrong with him since she knew the answer.
The man was a Bradford.
Enough said. — R.L. Mathewson

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.' I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father's knee being inducted into the world of abusive epithets. — Craig Russell

What's so funny? (Astrid)
I'm just thinking, here I am a slave who touched a star who then made him a demigod. I have to be the luckiest bastard who ever lived. (Zarek) — Sherrilyn Kenyon

He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?"
If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore.
"Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't."
What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them."
"You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can."
Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls.
"Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?"
"They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do
I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard. — J.R. Ward

However," Bob continued, and the word came down like a sledgehammer, "there is a line at which a likable bad boy becomes a nasty entitled bastard whom the public would rather see hung out to dry in the street than pay to watch prance about a stage in his bloomers. And when somebody starts abusing their fans, making an absolute arse of themselves in public places, and alienating the people who paid for their bloody Ferrari, they may consider that line crossed."

Lainie wondered if an actual "Hallelujah" chorus had appeared in the doorway, or if it was just the sound of her own glee.

She still had no idea why she was the privileged audience to this character assassination, but she warmly appreciated it. — Lucy Parker

But Jackal gave a low, humorless chuckle. 'Oh you bastard.' He smiled, shaking his head and staring up at the barn. 'That's cute. Let's see if you're as funny when I'm beating you to death with your own arm. — Julie Kagawa

I was washing the dishes and the sneaky bastard crept up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. And kissed me. Right here." I pointed angrily to my neck. "Can I not have him committed or something?"
Dr. Pritchard snorted. "For loving you?"
I drew back, shaking my head in disgust. "Dr. Pritchard," I admonished softly. "Whose side are you on?"
"Braden's. — Samantha Young

Did you kiss me?"
"What? Why would you think that?" His smirking face seemed to give nothing away.
"You bastard! Who cops a feel on an unconscious man?"
"Not me. I like my feelees conscious. — Andrea Speed

Be calm, cool, and collected. Don't let that
handsome bastard have power over you. — M.M. Kin

Tighe took control of his thoughts.
"You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two cats will try to come
in with you. You must let them in. Don't allow anyone to stop them. Once inside the house, you'll
go into the bathroom and close the door, pull down your pants, then curl up on the floor and go to
sleep."
The bastard's career would be over when they caught him, literally, with his pants down. But he
deserved it for kicking a cat. — Pamela Palmer

The funny thing about mundies," Jace said, to nobody in particular, "is how obsessed with magic they are for a bunch of people who don't even know what the word means."
I know what it means," Clary snapped.
No, you don't, you just think you do. Magic is a dark elemental force, not just a lot of sparkly wands and crystal balls and talking goldfish."
I never said it was a lot of talking goldfish, you-"
Jace waved a hand, cutting her off. "Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. — Cassandra Clare

Plus, no matter how many times I'd brushed my teeth in Casey's bathroom (after half an hour she'd knocked on the door to make sure I was okay), the taste of disgusting, womanizing bastard was still in my mouth. Ugh! — Kody Keplinger

Unbelievable," I said in disgust.
"What's unbelievable?"
"Your ego. It's surrounded by its own cloud of antimatter. You're a black hole of ... of hubris!"
Jack stared at me through the shadows, and then he averted his face, and I thought I saw the white flash of a grin.
"Are you amused?" I demanded. "What the hell is so funny?"
"I was just thinking if the sex with you is one-tenth as fun as arguing with you, I'll be one happy bastard."
"You'll never find out. You - "
He kissed me. — Lisa Kleypas

What y'all ladies got to share? Hmmm, what you bitches got?"

Aunt Georgia sighed and squinted at the boy. She said, "The Lord loves a cheerful giver, but I'm just not in the mood."

The thug moved his hand from his crotch to his scalp, still scratching. "What in the hell's that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Cleveland raised and pumped her walking stick, which, it turned out, was a double-barreled shotgun.

"It means take one more step," she said, "and I'll blast you to hell, you ignorant-ass bastard. — Jabari Asim