Funny Baseball Quotes & Sayings

The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0. — Jerry Coleman

As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental." — Yogi Berra

When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny? — Sydney J. Harris

McCovey swings and misses, and it's fouled back. — Jerry Coleman

It's a funny business. I kind of compare it to baseball. I'm always looking for a home run. — Billy Mays

Over the course of a season, a miscue will cost you more than a good play. — Jerry Coleman

It's hard to get lost if you don't know where you're going. — Jim Jarmusch

Looking scary with a baseball outfit on and a little bouffant, you know, it just does not work. Especially with sculpted eyebrows. — Robert Pattinson

Montreal leads Atlanta by three, 5-1. — Jerry Coleman

They've taken the foot off Johnny Grubb. Uh, they've taken the shoe off Johnny Grubb. — Jerry Coleman

He many not be hurt as much as he really is. — Jerry Coleman

The Cards lead the Dodgers 4-2 after one inning and that one hasn't even started. — Jerry Coleman

The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman

While at the University of Chicago a couple of friends and I went to dinner at some restaurant in China Town night. Oblivious to the fact that my idiocy can be heard outside of a five-foot radius, I started in with the "You been here four hour. You go now," routine. Ha ha, we all laugh because infantile racism is funny. A little while later I walked back to the bathroom, and as I went down the hall to the "Male Room," I passed this rickety open door. I peered in to see two little Chinese kids looking at me, holding their eyes wide open with their fingers (to give a Caucasian look), and saying: "Hot Dogs! Baseball! Hot Dogs! Baseball!" I laughed so hard, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom. You win this round, Chinese kids. — Tucker Max

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

Even though the ball was doubled, they got it anyway. — Jerry Coleman

At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3. — Jerry Coleman

Parker's grand slam is the same as going 4 for 4, even though he went 1 for 4. — Jerry Coleman

Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry! — Jerry Coleman

Renko has just about had it. Pretty soon somebody will come out of the dugout with a fork and get him. — Jerry Coleman

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel. — Joe E. Lewis

I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said.
"California sucks this year."
Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog shit off the street. — Jodi Picoult

Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles. — Jerry Coleman

There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number. — Jerry Coleman

Hi folks, I'm Gerry Gross! — Jerry Coleman

Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico. — Harry Caray

I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads. — Yogi Berra

Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican? — Jerry Coleman

The big ballpark can do it all! — Jerry Coleman

Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is. — Jerry Coleman

Why should I mind?" She drummed her fingertips against his knee. "Because you got asked to play baseball, while I got a lecture on circumspection, Jezebels, and leading men into sin?"
"Did you really?" He managed to sound annoyed, fascinated, and amused all at once.
"It's not funny."
"Of course it's not." He was quick to try and placate her. "But we can do something about those lectures real quick. All you have to do is marry me."
Coyote Bluff had too many secrets that weren't hers to share. She couldn't put him in that position. He was a federal marshal. And she'd seen what all the lies her father told had done to her mother. She'd died hating him.
The last remnants of her earlier contentment vanished. "I like my independence."
"Then I guess you'll have to get used to the lectures, Sheriff Jezebel," he replied. — Paula Altenburg

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I've devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can't even blame the media - people simply don't care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I'm so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It's not rooting for the Giants: it's more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

Edwards missed getting Stearns at third base by an eyeball. — Jerry Coleman

I walk into the clubhouse today and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he'd already drunk it. — Tommy Lasorda

Houston has its largest crowd of the night here this evening. — Jerry Coleman

I don't know about Willie Davis. He's not as young as he used to be. — Jerry Coleman

That's the fourth extra base hit for the Padres - two doubles and a triple. — Jerry Coleman

Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding. — Jerry Coleman

If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement. — Jerry Coleman

The Padres are really swinging some hot hats tonight! — Jerry Coleman

I like getting up in front of an audience. It's fun when you go to a baseball game and the crowd is cheering you. I can't deny it. And it's very funny, too. Sometimes you're shy; you go somewhere and everyone's looking at you, so you feel a little self-conscious. — Jon Lovitz

Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money quickly, but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, we don't have a college education, we're qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle. The best thing is to marry a movie star. — Cindy Crawford

A lot of things run through your head when you're going in to relieve in a tight spot. One of them was, "Should I spike myself?" — Lefty Gomez

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. — Rita Rudner

There's a deep fly ball ... Winfield goes back, back ... his head hits the wall ... it's rolling towards second base. — Jerry Coleman

Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee. — Jerry Coleman

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player. — Marsha Warfield

I managed a team that was so bad we considered a 2-0 count on the batter a rally. — Rich Donnelly

He can be lethal death. — Jerry Coleman

We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here! — Jerry Coleman

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split. — Jerry Coleman

I'd say he's done more than that. — Yogi Berra

I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. — Yogi Berra

When Guante started, they thought he'd be like popcorn, one of the most popular things around. — Jerry Coleman

It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader. — Jerry Coleman

There's a shot up the alley. Oh, it's just foul. — Jerry Coleman

And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4. — Jerry Coleman

Baseball players practice, runners practice, so how can you practice being funny? You get up onstage. You train as an improviser, playing make-believe, using the vernacular of improvisation, saying 'yes and' to other people's ideas, making statements. — Ali Farahnakian

Ozzie Smith is out there roaming around like glass. — Jerry Coleman

He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. — Yogi Berra

You didn't have to say it was gone. It was gone before it got outta here. It was going that fast. — Jerry Coleman

Rick Miller hit only one home run last year, and that's like hitting none. — Jerry Coleman

You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in. — Jerry Coleman

It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't. — Yogi Berra

Eric Show will be 0 for 10 if that pop fly ever comes down. — Jerry Coleman

You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it. — Jerry Coleman

If ever an error had "F" written on it, that grounder did. — Jerry Coleman

That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures. — Jerry Coleman

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May. — Denis Norden

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs. — Tim McCarver

And it's a long drive down the line to centerfield. — Jerry Coleman

Once (Stan) Musial timed your fastball, your infielders were in jeopardy. — Warren Spahn

Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, and I've seen him make it more often than anyone else ever has. — Jerry Coleman

The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit. — Rogers Hornsby

It's a base hit on the error by Roberts. — Jerry Coleman

Right now Andy Larkin is pitching just like young Andy Larkin. — Jerry Coleman

Gonzo leaps like a giraffe and grabs it. — Jerry Coleman

Templeton is as hot as you can be and still walk! — Jerry Coleman

The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside. — Jerry Coleman

Benedict may not be as hurt as he really is. — Jerry Coleman

Want to play baseball?'" she asked. Shane's eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. "What?'" "First base,'" she said. "You're already there.'" "I'm not running the bases.'" "Well, you could at least steal second.'" "Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you've gone and ruined it. — Rachel Caine

With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres! — Jerry Coleman

Gary Bell is nicknamed Ding Dong. Of course. What's interesting about it is that "Ding Dong" is what the guys holler when somebody gets hit in the cup. The cups are metal inserts that fit inside the jock strap, and when a baseball hits one it's called ringing the bell, which rhymes with hell, which is what it hurts like. It's funny, even if you're in the outfield, or in the dugout, no matter how far away, when a guy gets it in the cup you can hear it. Ding Dong. — Jim Bouton

I challenge anyone, even with a radar machine, to hit that slider. — Jerry Coleman

The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I have no idea what that is. — Luis Polonia

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? — Chris Rock

There's a hard shot to LeMaster, he throws Madlock into the dugout. — Jerry Coleman

Hrabosky looks fierce in that Fu Manchu haircut. — Jerry Coleman

On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo. — Jerry Coleman

People say Yogi (Berra) is a strange guy, and I've heard Yogi say some funny things. But he has a beautiful wife, he's rich, and he's famous. I don't see anything strange about that. — Mickey Mantle

I sure hope you're staying alive for the upcoming Dodgers series. — Jerry Coleman

Tony Gwynn, the fat batter behind Finley, is waiting. — Jerry Coleman

Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight. — Jerry Coleman

Ozzie makes a leaping, diving stop, shovels to Fernando and everybody drops everything. — Jerry Coleman

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot. — Jerry Coleman

George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up. — Jerry Coleman

Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500. — Jerry Coleman

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left. — Bill Engvall

I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife. — Earl Weaver

That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it. — Jerry Coleman