Funny And Random Humor Quotes & Sayings

A blanket is a tell-all story about its endeavors with certain highly publicized people and their somewhat promiscuous acts. — Nicole McKay

Dear Fly,

I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit. — Casey Scieszka

World domination is just my side gig. — Tanjlisa Marie

Time and Tide wait for no Man; what about woman ? How Sexist ! — Gaurav Rao

He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there ... — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Blankets are good to carry around if you want to be able to quickly black bag someone. — Nicole McKay

Instead of Rock, Paper, Scissors, you could play Brick, Blanket, Action Fingers, in which brick cripples action fingers, blanket smothers brick and action fingers beats blanket. — Nicole McKay

Stomp stomp.
Whirr.
Pleased to be of service.
Shut up.
Thank you.
Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp.
Whirr.
Thank you for making a simple door very happy.
Hope your diodes rot.
Thank you. Have a nice day.
Stomp stomp stomp stomp.
Whirr.
It is my pleasure to open for you ...
Zark off.
... and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.
I said zark off.
Thank you for listening to this message. — Douglas Adams

Care to explain?" Ari asked.
"Didn't you see my signals?"
"Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion."
"It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion."
"That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal.
"That's what I did."
"No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky."
"I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions."
-Janco and Ari bickering — Maria V. Snyder

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket. — Nicole McKay

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator — Josh Stern

I'd much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick. — Nicole McKay

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow — Josh Stern

The man you're going to marry should be like a brick: strong, sturdy, supportive and almost always hard in your presence. — Nicole McKay

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months — Josh Stern

Poseidon's underpants! You can't be serious. — Rick Riordan

Dogs are angels full of poop. — Oliver Gaspirtz

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good. — Amy Summers

I wish kids at school would quit calling me a porno dork-face, though. There wasn't any sex involved! I got knocked out, I panicked and called the cops. Okay, somewhere along the line everybody's clothes fell off, but that's not exactly a federal crime. Is it? I hope you don't work for the FBI. (You don't, do you?)
- Email Excerpt (Page: 21)
From: Douglas Bracken
To: Dr. Rita I. Milton
Sent: Friday, November 08 - 5:05 PM
Subject: Pressing Concerns — Kathleen Jeffrie Johnson

I've always wanted to go out with a bang, that's why I carry two bricks around with me wherever I go, so when I leave a room I clap them together. — Nicole McKay

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they'll at least have something to keep them warm after they've lost all their money when the company goes under. — Amy Summers

(About a cookbook ... )
- What about this one? Maids of Honor?
- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor ... but they ends up Tarts. — Terry Pratchett

Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick. — Nicole McKay

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried — Josh Stern

Clouds are high flying Fog — Gaurav Rao

Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool. -Janco — Maria V. Snyder

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. — Nenia Campbell

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! — Tanya Masse

Life before toilet paper was not worth living. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

A blanket could be used as a lovely rug, a rug that just so happens to be covering a large hole, you should really feel this rug! — Nicole McKay

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew - in jeggings. — Nenia Campbell

Leave me alone, or I will shoot," a woman's husky voice rang out through the broken window. "I'm not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from. — Rose Wynters

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you've ever held dear with the greatest of ease. — Nicole McKay

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. — Carla H. Krueger

A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to be one of the most important bricks in all brick kind, as it is now quite literally the cornerstone of one of America's greatest ballparks.(Fenway) — Nicole McKay

I'm guessing you don't have to share a bathroom at your house,"

I say with the casual tone of someone who isn't waving her half-naked

bottom in the air in front of a hunky, semi-stranger and soon-to-be-

boss. I push myself to my feet and edge my way back to the dresser, this

time keeping my back to the wall.

He snorts a laugh. "No. Nor do I have a back door in my bedroom

or a collection of random people walking around my house. — Sarah Castille

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?
ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.
MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?
ME: MATH. — KanyaACoffman

If you're a struggling artist having money problems just superglue a brick in the middle of a blanket, and call it art. Someone will buy it. — Nicole McKay

A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That's it. That's all I got. — Amy Summers

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working — Josh Stern

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"
He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."
I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."
He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world. — Saad Salman

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman! — Christopher Moore

Ish #19 If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the hell are you drinking? — Regina Griffin

At the very leadt, we can grab Monica and hustle her skanky ass back to her dad wile you brave, strong menfolk hold off the bad guys. Right? — Rachel Caine

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense. — Nicole McKay

[Razo] knocked, peered inside, then jumped and shut the door, quiet as brushing two feathers together. He smiled at his own stealth, then swaggered right into a chair, banging it against the wall.
You oaf. He cut short his swagger and began to move with exaggerated sneakiness. — Shannon Hale

NI!
Oh no! Not ni! — Graham Chapman

I suppose I could get a job to have something to do, but working when I don't have to work would be like pulling a straight and healthy tooth
pointless and extremely painful.
David Palmer — Stephen Reid Andrews

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. — Regina Griffin

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs. — Nicole McKay

Now there's a girl I don't want to mess with' - or at least, that's what I would think if I had a chronic fear of freakishly nice people. — Nenia Campbell

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket. — Nicole McKay

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco — Josh Stern

People need to make sure they have a good humor spark plug inside them that can be ignited at any moment when required. — Wes Adamson

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better. — Nicole McKay

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and there were a whole lot of them on every conceivable subject. "One day I went to the store to purchase a carton of milk," Mr. Remora would say, chewing on a banana. "When I got home, I poured the milk into a glass and drank it. Then I watched television. The end." Or: "One afternoon a man named Edward got into a green truck and drove to a farm. The farm had geese and cows. The end." Mr. Ramora would tell story after story, and eat banana after banana, and it would get more and more difficult for Violet to pay attention. — Lemony Snicket

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake. — Jenny Han

Ish #153 Artificial plants grow best in artificial light. — Regina Griffin

Come Hell or High Water usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub — Josh Stern

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

I think you need to give me a pet name - a term of endearment."
His face was its typical impassive mask, but I could tell that I'd surprised him.
Finally, he said, "Like ... babe?"
"No - that feels awkward and wrong and has undertones of pedophilia. I'm thinking of something more age appropriate, yet affectionate. — Penny Reid

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. — Kyousuke Motomi

I guess it's worth a shot. More than likely a wasted bullet, but I'll fire anyway. — Brandy Nacole

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you're having a churro. — Rucy Ban

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick. — Nicole McKay

You could carve out the inside of a brick and hide your money in it for safe keeping. It's certainly safer than keeping it in the bank! — Nicole McKay

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

Jace?" She offered him the glass.
"I am a man," he told her. "And men do not consume pink beverages. Get the gone, woman and bring me something brown."
"Brown?" Isabelle made a face.
"Brown is a manly colour," said Jace and yanked on a stray lock of Isabelle's hair with his free hand. "In fact, look-Alec is wearing it."
Alec looked mournfully down at his sweater. "It was black," he said. "But then it faded."
"You could dress it up with a sequined headband," Magnus suggested. — Cassandra Clare

A brick could create a clear winner in a fight if instead of fighting pillows against blankets, you fought bricks against blankets. — Amy Summers

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin

A brick is ... ... ... Well it's a bloody brick what more do you want from me? — Nicole McKay

This cave is so dark I can't see any of you in your ninja outfits." "Sorry." the boys said and they peeled off their outfits and left them in a pile. The boys left Mollie's mask on because she looked awesome and mysterious, but she pulled it off anyway, because she was a dog and dogs don't wear masks. — Ella Minster

I've been single so long that if I hug a brother, he'll get pregnant! — Tranea Prosser

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs — Josh Stern

She said my glasses made me look like a butch jock's locker room bitch. — Nenia Campbell

Do you remember what I forgot? — Erica Goros

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good ... for the moment. — Amy Summers

Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it — Josh Stern

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees. — Bo Burnham

A brick could be used for note delivery, from the KKK. — Nicole McKay

Somehow she had climbed halfway up his body before he managed to grasp her waist. He plucked her off and set her on her feet.
She started to climb up his body again.
"Are you having fun?" he asked suspiciously.
"We're on the fucking moon!" she shouted. "There's nothing here!"
He stared at her. "I don't think you're having fun."
"No air!"
He shook his head. "Think about that logically. Could you have possibly said those words if there truly was no air? Of course
there's no air or atmosphere outside this bubble - "
"Ofcoursethere'snofuckingairhereorfuckingatmosphereonthefuckinggoddamnMOONyouGODDAMNFUCKINGCRAZYMORONICDJINN ... "
"Grace," he roared in her face. — Thea Harrison

Please follow these instructions:
1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly.
2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder.
3. Smack yourself over the head with it.
4. Repeat. You complete ass. — Leah Thomas

EAT SANDWICH, NOT OWN MOUTH. — Lauren Conrad

Blankets on the other hand are incredibly needy as they are always trying to fill a "void". Are a bit whorish in that the instant you walk away from them in less than a minute they'll be all over someone else, and the moment you actually need them they're nowhere to be found. — Nicole McKay

Well blow me down with a solar flare. — Nenia Campbell