Funniest Jokes Quotes & Sayings

She was flighty and poor, a French studies major who quoted Simone de Beauvoir. She wiped her runny nose on her coat sleeve when it was snowing, stuck her head out of car windows the way dogs do, the wind fireworking her hair. That woman was gone now. Not that it was her fault. Vast fortunes did that to people. It took them to the cleaners, cruelly starched and steam-pressed them so all their raw edges, all the dirt and hunger and guileless laughter, were ironed out. Few survived real money. — Marisha Pessl

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman

I usually stalk fans because I think they're really funny on Twitter. They don't know it, but I'll just go through their timelines, and if something is happening in the media, I always read fan accounts instead of the news because they have all the info and make the funniest jokes about it, so that's how I get my gossip - by stalking fans. — Gigi Hadid

The government is a functionary of the corporations - and there's nothing new about that. You can find people in the 1930s talking about the army basically working for Wall Street in all of these countries [it invades]. — Henry Rollins

The principal tenet of Jainism is non-harming. Observant Jains will literally not harm a fly. Fundamentalist Jainism and fundamentalist Islam do not have the same consequences, neither logically nor behaviorally. — Sam Harris

Just because I don't let boys take over my whole life doesn't mean I don't like them. — Kerry Cohen Hoffmann

Jokes? There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all. — Muhammad Ali

I'm on a lot of airplanes, so I just sip on red wine thinking of stupid ideas and, when I think of it, I wanna make it happen. — Bam Margera

I'm black because that's the way the world sees me. — Paula Patton

Yeah," he says. "We've been friends since kindergarten. Funniest guy I know," Matt says with a chuckle. "He's a great guitar player, too. He's in a band with some guys from Omaha South. He keeps trying to get me to join."
"What do you play?" I ask.
"Baseball," Matt jokes. — Cat Patrick

The people who are best at telling jokes tend to have more health problems than the people laughing at them. A study of Finnish police officers found that those who were seen as funniest smoked more, weighed more, and were at greater risk of cardiovascular disease than their peers [10]. Entertainers typically die earlier than other famous people [11], and comedians exhibit more "psychotic traits" than others [12]. So just as there's research to back up the conventional wisdom on laughter's curative powers, there also seems to be truth to the stereotype that funny people aren't always having much fun. It might feel good to crack others up now and then, but apparently the audience gets the last laugh. — Anonymous

Forgive me, Old One." Vaughn stifled a yawn. "Is there a point to this bedtime story?"
Rhys picked up the fork from Vaughn's plate and drove it into his brother's thigh. "There. I've made four points for him. — Hailey Edwards

Here's my most funniest joke, I'm broke. — Lil' Wayne

Men are not angered by mere misfortune but by misfortune conceived as injury. And the sense of injury depends on the feeling that a legitimate claim has been denied. — C.S. Lewis

I gave him a smile that I hoped was as dazzling as one of his. "I realized I'm in love."
Marcus, startled, looked around as though he expected to see my object d'amour in the car with us. "And you just realized this? Did you just have some sort of vision?"
"Didn't need to," I said, thinking of Wolfe's ill-fated trip to the Orkneys. "It's always been right in front of me. — Richelle Mead

Look - The moon thumbs through night's book. Finds a lake where nothing is printed. Draws a straight line. That's all it can. That's enough. Thick line. Straight toward you. - Look. — Rolf Jacobsen